If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you are probably aware that more than 80% of my successfully coupled clients met their life partners online. Yet when I first meet a client and ask if they are online, what I often hear is that online dating hasn’t worked for them so far. 

The reasons are varied. Singles in their 30s and 40s complain that everyone online is either looking for a quick hook-up or a sugar daddy.  Some women mention that they are concerned about receiving those unsolicited “intimate” pictures that all their friends complain about. 

My clients over 60 think online dating is just for younger singles. And nearly all hesitant clients assume that the only singles left online are desperate losers who nobody else wants or scammers. 

Yet the numbers don’t lie. In 20 years of coaching, I have worked with 100s of clients who have found lasting love online. And across the nation, approximately 50% of couples report that they met their partners online. If online dating is so successful, why are so many people still finding it so difficult? 

Like most things, you only get out of something what you put into it. Most of the people I meet who are frustrated with online dating are, simply put, doing it wrong! 

So let’s explore why online dating doesn’t work and how to fix it so you can find true and lasting love!

1. You’re using the wrong online dating site or app

Using the right tool for the job is essential for success. Some sites are notoriously designed for the casual dater. They emphasize connection easily, but not necessarily deeply. And it’s from these sites, you’ll most often get the dreaded “pics”. Other sites are very niche, and if you don’t fit in that niche, your ideal partner won’t either. Then there are the very broad sites that cater to everyone and everything- the free sites often fall into this category. So, just like tools, using the right sites for your dating goals is essential.

Fix it by: 

• Look for a site that emphasizes who you are as a person (not just what you look like), what your goals for dating are, and what an ideal match might look like.
• Consider sites that specialize in what’s important to you. There are many great dating apps that focus on faith, age, personality types, or preferences.
• If you decide to use a more general site, make sure you are taking advantage of profile filtering and security tools to avoid unsolicited connections. And always observe these Online Dating Safety Tips!
• Just switching to marriage-minded apps (or adding them) can dramatically improve match quality.
  

2. Your dating profile is poorly defined

I see this all the time. Often the dating profile is too vague and says things like “I like to have fun!”, “ I’m interested in meeting new people.”, “I enjoy music and travel”. Not only are these responses too common, but they tell the reader nothing about you, who you’re looking for, or why you’re actually online. 

You may assume that the more open-ended your profile appears, the more connections you’ll be able to make. And while that may be true, more is not necessarily better. In fact, it’s usually worse if you’re looking to find “the one”.

Fix it by: 

• Creatively sharing what makes you unique, what your interests, hobbies, and likes are.
• Being crystal clear on why you are online. Don’t beat around the bush. If you want to be married, say so. While I like to say that my clients as searching for “lasting love”, there is a difference between wanting a committed relationship and wanting marriage and a family. You can avoid confusion or compromises down the road by being clear on your relationship goals today. 
• Know what you value in a partner and a relationship, and communicate what you are looking for.
• Lastly, are your photos current, clear, and focused on you? Consider having a professional online dating photographer catch your best side in some new photos. 

3. You don’t have a dating plan or aren’t prioritizing your time to date.

One of the biggest mistakes I see my clients and friends make is that they sign up with an online dating site, and they don’t make the time to really take advantage of it! 

One of my clients, Jane, was getting all these matches in her inbox and then letting them sit there!  She was busy with work and family, and her single social life.  She actually told me it was overwhelming to get all these matches.  Another client complained she didn’t get any matches. I asked her how many people she had contacted. She told me she didn’t contact anyone; she waited for men to contact her! 

Both of these women need a dating plan. If they truly wanted love, marriage, a family, etc., they needed to get intentional about dating and make it a priority in their lives. 

Fix it by: 

• Consider your calendar. Do you truly have room to connect, meet, date, and even nurture a new relationship? If not, consider what you may have to give up in order to make the time.

  I had one client turn down a promotion that would have her traveling a significant part of the month. She knew she couldn’t date or build a relationship that way. For her, finding love was more important at this point in her life than furthering her career. In the end, she ended up with both. 

• Create accountability for yourself by setting dating goals. Will you spend 30 minutes a night reviewing potential matches? An hour a day with correspondence? How many potential matches will you reach out to each week? How many dates (online or in person) are you willing to make time for?
• Are you a single parent or a caretaker for a family member? It may be more complicated, but it’s ok to make time for yourself and your pursuit of love. Start by taking an hour every couple of days to get online and connect. When you’re ready, find an afternoon or a lunch where you can get away for a date. Consider asking other family members or trusted friends to step in once in a while, so you can take some time to meet people. 

4. Your search parameters are too narrow

Once you are showing up consistently, the next barrier is how you filter potential matches. Many singles find that online dating doesn’t work for them simply because they aren’t opening up their vistas. It’s true, you don’t want too many unqualified matches, but you also want to leave some room to be surprised by love. A great match might be waiting just outside your current filter.

What does this look like? Do you have too rigid a must-have list? Is your language demanding and off-putting? Are you literally keeping your search zone too narrow?

Fix it by: 

• Look for values first, chemistry second. Don’t make the mistake of not connecting with a man because he’s only 5’8” instead of 6’2”. Height may be important; however, what really matters is their personality and how the person makes you feel. When you connect with someone on deeper levels, chemistry and attraction usually fall into line.
• When considering personal status, my advice is to date people you previously considered to be off-limits. It’s always good to check out their story instead of making assumptions. If they are over 40 and never married, then what were the circumstances that led to that? Where is that person now in their life? What do they want? My husband was 47 and never married. I had to get over my prejudice about those who had never been married and were over 40.
• Evaluate your values, ideals, must-haves, and non-negotiables. It’s important to know these, but more important is that you know their differences. If you would prefer a woman who is athletic because you are athletic, but you value having children, consider if you are over-limiting your matches.  How much will this matter in the scheme of things?
• Be open to matches outside your local geography.  I have had multiple clients fund their true loves on the other side of the country and even the world. Even if you can’t relocate, perhaps your perfect partner can.
• Avoid harsh, critical, or demanding language. Do not say “He must have…” or “She shouldn’t be…”.  It just isn’t kind, and it’s off-putting to someone reading your profile. 

Bonus: You’re not emotionally ready for a relationship 

Online dating won’t work for you if you are still holding on to past hurts and hang-ups. If you‘ve been clinging to false narratives like you are unlovable, that there is no left for you, or that you are too old to find love now, it’s really hard to have a positive mindset about online dating working for you. You’ve got to be willing to do the deeper work, often requiring time, reflection, and support.

There is no quick fix if you are struggling emotionally. But a few ways you can begin are:  

• Work on facing past hurts and traumas that have kept you from being open to love. Evaluate what scares you and reframe those fears into truths you can move forward with. For example: If you’re afraid “they’ll leave me once they get to know me,” remind yourself that anyone who doesn’t love the real you isn’t worth your time or energy anyway. Just because it happened in the past doesn’t mean that it will happen again with a new person.  Besides, you’re wiser and know yourself better this time around.
• Communicating confidence and that you believe yourself to be a valuable partner is always attractive. Confident (not boastful or arrogant) people are warm, enjoyable, and friendly. Even if you aren’t always feeling confident, conveying those attributes will help others to see you as confident- and you’ll feel it too.
• Personal growth is always worth the time and energy. Consider engaging a therapist or a relationship coach to help you work on areas where you are still struggling.

If online dating hasn’t worked for you in the past, you’re not alone.

However, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you or that it can’t work. It usually just means a few things need to be refined or tuned up.

If you’ve made any of these online dating mistakes, it’s ok. There’s plenty of time to tweak a few things and try again. There are always new people online, which means new opportunities for you. 

And you don’t have to do it on your own.  Relationship coaching gives you the guidance, support, and strategy to date intentionally… without losing yourself in the process. Whether you want help rewriting your profile, building confidence, or learning how to choose a great match, having a coach in your corner can make all the difference.

Real love is possible, and it may be closer than you think.If you’re ready to give online dating another try,  but still aren’t sure where to start, let’s talk. Now is the best time to get ready for the New Year’s online dating blitz! Go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/ and book your complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy session today to learn more about how my proven dating process can be a game changer for you! 

About the Author

Coach Amy Schoen

is a certified life coach and dating/relationship expert who has helped hundreds of marriage-minded singles find lasting, committed partnerships since 2005. Through private coaching and group programs, she specializes in helping people date with clarity, confidence, and purpose.