Do you find yourself asking, “Why am I always matching with the wrong people?” or “Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?”. I hear this all the time from my clients. They, like you maybe, have been frustrated by bad dating prospects.  They feel like they’re stuck in a loop, dating people who seem good at first but end up being all wrong, sometimes even harmful.

Many who get stuck in this dating loop feel hopeless. And, it can leave you wondering if there is something wrong with you! The truth is that you are not broken, but how you are attracting potential partners might be. 

Dating doesn’t have to be one disappointment after another. It’s possible to weed out inappropriate or toxic people before they take root in your life. Even better, it’s possible to stop attracting them altogether. Which will, in turn, leave space and opportunity for you to connect with someone who’s actually good for you and looking for the same things in life as you. 

What Can You Do Upfront to Weed Out Toxic or Inappropriate People?

The truth is, some people hide their true colors well. At first, they might seem charming, attentive, or even exactly what you’ve been looking for. But over time, the cracks start to show, and you’re left wondering how you missed the signs.

That’s why it’s important to be proactive on the front end. Before you put yourself back out there, you need to take a moment to reflect and understand what you might be doing to draw in the wrong kind of people to you. 

Here are four key questions to consider and how you can resolve each one. 

1. Do I communicate clearly my relationship values and goals? 

One of the biggest reasons singles attract the wrong people is that they aren’t clear about their dating intentions and what matters most to them. If you don’t know your own relationship values, you’re likely to end up with someone whose values clash with yours.

When I talk about values, I’m not referring to surface-level qualities like hobbies or favorite foods. I mean the deeper things like family, faith, integrity, personal growth, kindness, commitment, etc. Being aligned with someone in these areas helps to determine whether you and your love interest can build a long-term, fulfilling relationship together.

When my client John came to me, he was struggling with this problem. He was a single dad of three kids, and one of his core values was family togetherness. However, his girlfriend at the time didn’t share that value. She wasn’t interested in being part of his family life, and it showed. He realized that no matter how much he liked her, this relationship wasn’t going to last.

Once he clarified that family togetherness was non-negotiable, he presented himself differently. He updated his online dating profile to reflect this priority more clearly, and eventually, he met someone wonderful. She not only accepted his children but brought her daughter into the mix, too. Today they’re married and raising their blended family in a loving, supportive home.

When you prioritize your values, communicate them clearly, and refuse to compromise, you will stop attracting the wrong, or even toxic, people. You’ll be able to connect with those who are interested in building a future that aligns with you and your goals. 

2. Does my dating profile or first impressions give off mixed messages?

A big mistake I see, especially in online dating, is presenting yourself differently from what you are looking to attract.

Let’s take dating profiles, for example. If your profile says you’re looking for “fun” or you only focus on things like travel and dining out, you’re less likely to draw the attention of someone looking to settle down and have a family. And if you’re really looking for a committed relationship, you’ll quickly get frustrated because those “fun” dates aren’t interested in pursuing something serious.

Also consider how you come across on a first date or during those early phone calls.. If you’re overly focused on physical attraction or trying to be who you think the other person wants you to be, you’ll end up in a superficial relationship, where no one knows or appreciates you. This eventually leads to disappointment and lost time.  

Instead, be upfront about your intentions and values. You don’t have to spill your whole life story in a profile or on a first date, but you can use clear language that signals what you want. For example, “I’m excited about building a long-term partnership where family, faith, and laughter are at the center” is going to attract a very different person than “Looking for someone to hang out and see where it goes.”

The objections to this, I hear the most often, are “Won’t I appear too needy?” or “I don’t want to scare anyone off.” But the truth is, you do want to scare off about 99% of the people. You are looking for that one out of 100, not the 99. Clarity weeds out the toxic people, making space for better matches.

Also, if you are online dating (which I highly recommend), consider which dating apps/sites you are using.

And if they are built to attract partners with the same values or goals. Some dating sites are tailored to people looking for love, while others are geared more towards those who are casually dating or looking for friends with benefits.

3. Do you struggle with low self-worth or weak boundaries?

Let’s get really honest here. Sometimes, the reason toxic people keep showing up in our lives is because we’re allowing them to. If your self-worth isn’t great or your boundaries aren’t strong, it can feel easier to accept attention, even if it’s from the wrong kind of person, than to risk being alone.

This, of course, leads to disappointment, hurt, and sometimes even emotional manipulation. Toxic people tend to gravitate toward those who are overly accommodating, quick to forgive bad behavior, or afraid to walk away.

Ask yourself:

• Do I overlook early red flags because I want to give someone “the benefit of the doubt”?
• Do I find myself saying “yes” when I really want to say “no”?
• Do I feel pressure to move faster in relationships than I’m comfortable with?

If the answers are yes, it’s time to strengthen your boundaries. Healthy boundaries aren’t about being rigid or closed off. (Don’t let toxic people gaslight you into believing differently!) Healthy boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. They act like a filter, allowing the right people in and keeping the wrong ones out.

When you know your worth and practice saying “no” without guilt, toxic people lose interest because they realize they can’t manipulate or control you. 

4. Do I have unhealed emotional patterns or wounds?

This one goes even deeper. Your past experiences can play a vital role in your future experiences. Unchallenged, you unknowingly repeat old patterns that attract toxic or unhealthy relationships over and over again.  

If you grew up in a home where criticism, neglect, or chaos were normal, you are more likely to gravitate to those kinds of partners because  they feel familiar.  Or, if you’ve been through a string of disappointing relationships, your judgment may be clouded by insecurity. Even though these aren’t the kind of relationship you want, without healing, you are more likely to accept it.

These unhealed patterns can trick you into ignoring red flags or settling for less than you deserve. The good news? Healing is absolutely possible.

Therapy, coaching, journaling, prayer, and self-work can help you uncover those old patterns and release them. The more you heal, the more you’ll raise your standards and recognize when someone isn’t good for you.

It’s Time to Break the Cycle

If you’ve been wondering why you keep attracting toxic or inappropriate people when dating, be encouraged. This isn’t a life sentence. You can change who you attract by clarifying your values, sending the right signals, strengthening your boundaries, and healing the past.

When you do, everything shifts. Toxic people won’t find an open door into your life anymore, and the right kind of partner will finally have space to show up.

So let me ask you: what values matter most to you? How do you want to present yourself in dating? Where do your boundaries need strengthening? And what old patterns might still be lingering beneath the surface?

Your answers hold the key to attracting not just someone, but the right someone.

And if you’re tired of figuring this out on your own, I’d love to help. Together, we can identify what’s been holding you back and create a clear plan for attracting a healthy, loving relationship that lasts.

Sometimes you could be attracting the wrong people because you aren’t ready for the right one.
Take my NEW “Are You Ready to Meet Your Mate? Quiz” to discover if you have the skills and knowledge you need to take advantage of a healthy love connection when it presents itself to you! 

Summary: Why Do I Attract Toxic People?

Q1: Why do I attract toxic people in relationships?

If you’re asking yourself this question, it usually comes back to a few core issues: unclear relationship values, low self-worth, or unhealed emotional wounds. Without clarity and strong boundaries, it’s far easier for toxic partners to slip into your life. The good news? Once you address those areas, you’ll notice a dramatic shift in who you attract.

Q2: Why do I keep attracting the wrong partners?

Sometimes the problem isn’t who you are but how you’re presenting yourself. Mixed messages in dating profiles or first impressions can unintentionally draw in people who aren’t a fit for what you really want. When your message matches your intentions, you’ll stop attracting inappropriate partners and start meeting people who share your goals.

Q3: How do I know if I’m in a toxic relationship?

Look for red flags like constant criticism, controlling behavior, disrespect for your boundaries, or feeling drained instead of supported. Healthy love feels safe, consistent, and affirming, not chaotic, confusing, or full of second-guessing yourself.

Q4: How do I stop attracting toxic people?

It starts with you. Get clear about your relationship values, practice setting strong boundaries, and be intentional about how you present yourself in dating. On a deeper level, doing the work to heal old wounds can help you shift patterns that keep you stuck with the wrong kind of people.

Q5: Why do toxic people seem drawn to me?

Toxic partners often gravitate toward kind, compassionate people who may not have firm boundaries in place. That doesn’t mean you need to become hardened; it means pairing your compassion with confidence and clarity. When you value yourself, toxic people lose interest.

Q6: Can therapy or coaching help me stop attracting toxic partners?

Absolutely. Working with a coach or therapist gives you the chance to identify blind spots, heal unhealthy patterns, and build the skills to choose partners who are capable of real, lasting love. You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

Q7: Is it possible to attract healthy, supportive partners after toxic relationships?

Yes! Once you do the inner work, clarify your values, heal your past, and strengthen your boundaries, you’ll naturally begin attracting healthier partners. You’ll stop asking “why do I attract toxic people?” because those types won’t even register as potential matches anymore.