This question comes up often in my Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets Coaching club sessions, “Who should make the first move in online dating?”.

It’s become a more common question in this modern era where men and women are equals in many ways.

First, let’s look into what constitutes “making the first move“.

• Is it who reaches out with a “like” or “heart” emoji?
• Is it who writes a “Hi!” or “Hey!”?
• Or is it someone who actually writes in full sentences and seems to have read your profile?

The good news is that you get to decide what it means to make the first move in online dating!

So, let’s look at several considerations when deciding who should make the first move in online dating, the man or the woman:

1. What are your gender role expectations?

   I wish I had a dollar for every time one of my female clients tells me, “I’m not going to make the first move. I want the guy to reach out to me first!”

   From the dawn of time, the man is expected to make the first move! How else can you see how motivated he truly is?

   I have noticed that this pattern is more common among my older clients as opposed to my younger clients, who may not have been raised with these gender biases.

   However, one savvy single mom decided to “like” the men’s profiles that she was attracted to and then wait for them to write back. And that worked for her! Her perfect guy took the bait and reached out to her. This is a perfect example of redefining what “making the first move” looks like!
   

2. How is the dating site set up?

   The next way to know who should make the first move in online dating depends on the dating site/app itself.

   For instance, Bumble is designed to have the woman “choose” the men she’s interested in. Well, that’s not entirely true. The men can “like” a woman, but the woman must make the first official move.

   And is this successful? Apparently so- it’s one of the top dating apps!

   I’ve had a couple of clients, in their 50’s and younger, recently meet their partners on Bumble.

   However, some men find this situation uncomfortable. For them it’s like being at a dance, standing back along the benches in the gym, and waiting to be picked as a dance partner! The men are showing interest and waiting for the women to say yes. It can feel awkward. Welcome to our world!

   However, some men wouldn’t subject themselves to this “so-called” humiliation. It depends on the personality of the two people. More on this soon!
   

3. How does each person want to “feel” in this situation?

   Again, some women, who want to feel “chosen”, desire a man to make the first move of substance.

   One of my female clients told me that if she makes the first move “How do I know if the guy is truly interested and willing to make the effort necessary to get a relationship offline and into real life?” I kind of agree!

   And yet, if the woman makes the first move, then most of my clients expect the man to pick up the ball and run with it. Or forgoing the sports analogy, they want to see the man making an effort to follow up and ask for the date! They want to know that their actions are aligned with their words.

   Many men want to choose the kind of woman they desire. While they may be flattered by the invitation from a woman, ultimately, they want to decide who they put their time and attention towards. Especially if they’re an Alpha male.

   However, many others appreciate the outreach of a woman. It takes the pressure off. These men may have dealt with rejection in the past and so knowing a woman is interested makes the process much more palatable.
   

4. What are the values of the man or woman?

   Another way to determine who should make the first move in online dating is to look toward your values.

   I remember coaching a young woman where one of her relationship values was “equal partnership”. Yet when we were discussing her online dating strategy, she mentioned to me that she prefers the man reach out first.

   This woman was in her early 30’s and in IT. She was used to working with men and was raised to be independently minded. I pointed out to her that if she values equal partnership, then the right man might also appreciate any effort she puts forth.

   And when she eventually met her husband online, he also shared this value. It worked for them!

   Knowing your values, and what works for you, will help you know who should make the first move in online dating.
   

5. It’s a numbers game!

   We all know that the more people you reach out to (not randomly, but those who meet your life goals, share your relationship values and some of your interests, and meet your must-haves), the more chances that someone will respond, and you’ll be able to connect and start building the relationship you’re seeking.

   Don’t expect to reach out to 3 women and expect to hear back from all of them. It just doesn’t work that way. (Unless you look like a movie star and you’re filthy rich!) You may need to reach out to a dozen or more people to find one or two responding and engaging.

   However, when you say something of substance, like why you’re reaching out to that particular person, you’ll get a much better response rate. And this is true whether you’re a man or a woman!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this exploration into who should make the first move in online dating. Did you come to any conclusion? It’s a very personal decision, as you see, and neither way is necessarily “best”. It’s about what’s best for you.

If you need support with your online (and in-person) dating strategies, that is my specialty! I’m here to help you get on the right track and attract your ideal partner.

Just fill out my “Get to Know You” form at www.talkwithcoachamy.com and let’s explore your next steps.

You can find out more about the Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets Coaching Club at www.motivatedtomarrydatingsecrets.com.