If you’re dating after divorce, it can feel like learning to ride a bike again. Only the stakes are higher, and the terrain is a bit bumpier. This time around, it’s not just about finding someone who makes your heart skip a beat. It’s about healing, growing, and figuring out who you are now, and who you’re looking for. If you’ve entered the dating world after a divorce, you don’t have to be doomed to repeat the same old mistakes. With some awareness and maybe a little help, you can get it right this time!

To help you date with confidence and clarity, I am sharing the 5 most common mistakes singles who are dating after divorce make and how to avoid them.

1. Not Doing the Inner Work First

Jumping into dating before doing the inner work is like slapping paint over a wall full of nail holes. It might look bright and clean at first, but eventually those holes will begin to show up again. After a divorce, it’s essential to pause, reflect, and get really honest with yourself about a few things:

• Get clear on your values and goals
  Ask yourself: What do I truly want now? What are my relationship values and life goals? What are my non-negotiables in a relationship? What kind of life do I want to build? What kind of life do I see for my children?
• Have I worked through my divorce?
  Divorce is almost always HARD! Before jumping back into dating after divorce, you need to address any lingering anger, fear, trauma, or shame that you may still be carrying. You don’t want to bring any of that into a new relationship, so do the hard work first, so you can look to the future.

  Too many divorced singles are rehashing the past, carrying resentment, or stuck in a loop of overthinking what went wrong. But to move forward, self-awareness and forgiveness are key—not just of your ex, but of yourself too.

I’m a big believer that what you put out attracts what you bring in. If your energy says, “I’m still bitter and guarded,” you may keep attracting partners who reinforce that story. Or worse, those who are still broken and emotionally unavailable. But when your values are clear and you’re emotionally stable, you’ll start attracting people who are ready to meet you where you are.

2. Confusing Chemistry with Compatibility.

Superficial attraction is easy. It’s immediate, exciting, and can feel like a green light to move forward. But here’s the truth: chemistry isn’t a strong enough foundation to build a real relationship. It fades, and fast. And when you’re dating after divorce, leading with attraction alone is one of the biggest traps you can fall into.

Many divorced daters meet someone charming or physically appealing and assume the connection means something deeper. Especially after divorce, when many are at their most vulnerable, the attraction feels so validating! But without shared values, emotional maturity, and mutual respect, that “spark” rarely turns into lasting love.

Some of my clients admit they simply love the feeling of being in love. They get swept up in the excitement of a new connection and skip over the more important questions: Is this person trustworthy? Do we want the same things in life? Are they emotionally available?

That early infatuation phase is powerful, and that’s what makes it dangerous. It can trick you into moving too fast, becoming intimate before trust is built, or ignoring red flags. If you’re not careful, you end up choosing someone based on how they make you feel in the moment, instead of who they truly are.

So instead of asking, “Do I find this person attractive?” ask yourself, “Do I like this person? Do I enjoy our conversation? Are they fun to be with?  Is there potential for something deeper?” Chemistry might spark interest, but compatibility and character are what keep a relationship alive.

In other words, give the slow burn a chance. Let the connection unfold over time. That’s where real intimacy, and lasting love, can begin.

3. Looking in the Wrong Places

Dating again after divorce, especially if you’ve been married a long time, can leave you wondering where to begin. Many of my divorced clients last dated long before the world of online dating, and it seems as though all the rules have changed! So it’s tempting to just do what you did before. Maybe it’s going to bars, easy speed dating events, or single socials at church. Maybe it’s going along with wherever your friends are going. None of these ways of meeting people is inherently bad. However, if you aren’t strategic in your search, your chances of meeting someone who aligns with what you want in life are much lower. 

If you’re serious about finding a lasting relationship, you’ve got to be intentional about where you meet people. Are you putting yourself in spaces where your values are reflected? Are you meeting people who want the same kind of life you do? 

For example, if health and fitness are important to you, join an active group like biking or hiking. If you love art or learning, try lectures, museum events, or book clubs. If community service speaks to you, get involved in a cause you care about. MeetUp Groups are a great way to get connected with people who share similar passions and interests.

Don’t underestimate the power of online dating. Most of my successfully couple clients met their partners online. It’s the most efficient way to communicate who you are and what’s important to you and to weed out those who don’t match up, without going on endless discovery dates.

One of my top tips for people who are serious about finding lasting love is to create a “dating infomercial” and to share it with the Connectors in your life. 

A dating infomercial is a 30-second statement about who you are and what kind of partner you’re looking for. It’s specific and clear. When you share this with trusted friends and family members, you are letting them know you are serious about meeting someone to build a life with, and how they can help. Then, as they come across individuals who seem like a good match, they can feel confident about connecting the two of you. It’s amazing how often the right person is already in your network, if only people knew what you’re looking for.

 4. Oversharing Marriage Mistakes

Here’s a major turnoff that too many divorced daters fall into: oversharing about your ex or the details of your past marriage on early dates. We get it, you’ve been through a lot. But your first few dates are not the place to process your divorce.

Rehashing what went wrong may feel cathartic, but it can make your date wonder if you’re still emotionally stuck or looking for a therapist rather than a partner. Instead, keep it light, positive, and future-focused. If someone asks why your marriage ended, have a brief and neutral response ready. Try something like, “We grew in different directions, and now I’m looking forward to what’s next.”

Remember, your past doesn’t define your future. And you’re not obligated to explain your story to anyone before you’re ready.

5. Rushing into Something Too Quickly

After a divorce, it’s natural to crave companionship. But don’t let loneliness call the shots. This can be even harder if the divorce is recent, and you’re still not used to being on your own. It’s easy to basically replace your ex with someone new and call it a day. However, this kind of rebound relationship is unlikely to provide the stable, lasting love you are looking for. Take your time to find someone who truly matches with you in values, goals, and personality.

• Another big mistake I see from my divorced singles is dating someone who is only “separated” or worse, someone who says their marriage is “over” but hasn’t yet left.

  Until someone is fully divorced, there’s often emotional baggage, legal ties, and lingering drama that can complicate your budding relationship. It doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person or intentionally dishonest. However, it’s hard to be truly honest with yourself when you are entangled in two worlds. I’ve seen it happen many times that when the divorce is finalized, they realize they don’t want to be in a new relationship yet. Remember, they haven’t had time to do the inner work yet, even if they swear they have.

• If you’re a single-parent, take it even slower.

  Just because someone seems like a good fit romantically for you, doesn’t mean they’ll be a good fit for your family. Introducing a new relationship too soon can create confusion and anxiety for your kids at a time when they most need stability and reassurance. If and when you decide to introduce them to a new love interest, let them know that no one is replacing their other parent, and that your love for them isn’t going anywhere. And if your children don’t feel comfortable with your new partner, that’s something you shouldn’t ignore.

Dating After Divorce Should Still Be Fun

Yes, dating after divorce can be messy. But it can also be empowering, eye-opening, and, believe it or not, fun.

Sometimes, the best way to get started is to just get out there and meet new people. Set aside the pressure to find “the one” and just enjoy making new friends, exploring new activities, and getting to know yourself again. Embrace the quirks you meet along the way, yours and theirs! You’ve been through a lot. Now’s your time to get it right and enjoy the journey while you do.

If you need more help getting started, or in figuring out how to get clear on who you are now and what you want for your future, I’d love to help. Reach out and let me help you find true and lasting love!