“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” We’ve all heard that popular phrase.

In fact, growing up I not only heard the phrase, I felt haunted by it. On so many occasions, I might have had something to say, yet if it were a concern or something less than positive, I would choose not to say anything at all. It sometimes seemed as though the choices were to say nothing at all, or get ugly. And who wants to be perceived as ugly?

The conundrum that always kept me quiet was the same question I am now frequently asked after one of my communication keynotes: “If you can’t say something nice, what DO you say?”

That very question became the title of my first book and related keynote. Fast forward past degrees in psychology and counseling, 13 years as a university administrator, and decades of speaking to audiences around the world, I finally began to craft the answer to that all-important question with practical solutions for working together better.

It turns out that to say nothing at all or to get ugly are not the only two choices. There’s a third choice: We can say what we mean and mean what we say in a nice way by using a slight REPHRASE.

Here are some examples of how you can REPHRASE and say something in a positive way without getting ugly, at your next meeting or at home, tomorrow.

For example,

DON’T SAY: “That will never work”
DO SAY: “Let’s look at some options.”

DON’T SAY: “You’re doing it wrong,”
DO SAY: “Here’s what would be more helpful.”

DON’T SAY: “Why wasn’t this handled?”
DO SAY: “I noticed this didn’t get done and I’m wondering what happened.”

DON’T SAY: “You don’t get it.”
DO SAY: “I’d like to make sure we’re on the same page.”

DON’T SAY: “You never help.”
DO SAY: “I need your help.”

Did you notice how most of these DON’T SAY examples start with the word “you”? That word alone can turn a comment into an accusation.

So, you don’t have to stay quiet and say nothing at all when you do have something to say. And no need to get ugly when you say it. Use the third choice: Say what you mean in a nice way. (And, by the way, that’s the title of my second book and related keynote!)

More REPHRASE examples in a previous blog post  here.