Thursday, December 9, 2021
“Did you make someone feel seen or heard today?“
— Jessica Lahey
Jessica Lahey (@jesslahey) is the author of the New York Times bestselling book The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed and The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence. Over twenty years, Jessica has taught every grade from sixth to twelfth in both public and private schools and spent five years teaching in a drug and alcohol rehab for adolescents in Vermont. She currently serves as a recovery coach at Sana at Stowe, a medical detox and recovery center in Stowe, Vermont, where 100 percent of her salary goes to a scholarship fund for young adults.
Jessica writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Washington Post, New York Times, and The Atlantic, is a book critic for Air Mail, and wrote the educational curriculum for Amazon Kids’ award-winning The Stinky and Dirty Show. She co-hosts the #AmWriting podcast with bestselling authors K.J. Dell’Antonia and Sarina Bowen from her house in Vermont, where she lives with her husband, two sons, and a lot of dogs.
Please enjoy!
Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or on your favorite podcast platform.
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#553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation
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What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.
SCROLL BELOW FOR LINKS AND SHOW NOTES…
Want to hear another episode with a writer Jessica and I both admire? Listen to my conversation with award-winning author Mary Karr, in which we discuss curiosity and presence as a solution to fear, the role spirituality plays in maintaining her sobriety as a former atheist, coping with and expressing the aftermath of trauma, what she wished she’d known about therapy when she was younger, and much more.
#479: Mary Karr — The Master of Memoir on Creative Process and Finding Gifts in the Suffering
SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE
- Connect with Jessica Lahey:
Website | Twitter | Facebook | Instagram
- The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey | Amazon
- The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence by Jessica Lahey | Amazon
- The #AmWriting Podcast
- Sana at Stowe
- The Stinky and Dirty Show | Amazon
- Hôpital Albert Schweitzer | Wikipedia
- Complete Dune Series by Frank Herbert | Amazon
- Living Well Is the Best Revenge | Quote Investigator
- Radiolab: Podcasts | WNYC Studios
- Belmont Hill School
- Why Parents Need to Let Their Children Fail by Jessica Lahey | The Atlantic
- Dr. Gabor Maté — New Paradigms, Ayahuasca, and Redefining Addiction | The Tim Ferriss Show #298
- The First Day: A Substance Use Prevention Education Film
- In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Maté, MD | Amazon
- Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It by Gabor Maté, MD | Amazon
- Predicting Alcohol Use Disorder Remission: A Longitudinal Multimodal Multi-Featured Machine Learning Approach | Translational Psychiatry
- Ketamine: A Transformational Catalyst | MAPS
- Hamilton Morris on Iboga, 5-MeO-DMT, the Power of Ritual, New Frontiers in Psychedelics, Excellent Problems to Solve, and More | The Tim Ferriss Show #511
- Hamilton’s Pharmacopeia | Prime Video
- Michael Pollan — This Is Your Mind on Plants | The Tim Ferriss Show #520
- How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence by Michael Pollan | Amazon
- Guide to Opioid Replacement Therapy | The Recovery Village Drug and Alcohol Rehab
- Differences Between Extrinsic and Intrinsic Motivation | Verywell Mind
- Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi | Amazon
- Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation by Edward L. Deci and Richard Flaste | Amazon
- Desirable Difficulty | Wikipedia
- Make It Stick: The Science of Successful Learning by Peter C. Brown, Henry L. Roediger III, and Mark A. McDaniel | Amazon
- Perceived Threat, Controlling Parenting, and Children’s Achievement Orientations | Motivation and Emotion
- Role of Self-Esteem and Self-Efficacy on Competence: A Conceptual Framework | IOSR Journal of Humanities and Social Science
- The Hoffman Process | The Hoffman Institute Foundation
- What ACEs/PCEs Do You Have? | ACEs Too High
- Making Hope Happen: Create the Future You Want for Yourself and Others by Shane J. Lopez, Ph.D. | Amazon
- On Writing: A Memoir Of The Craft by Stephen King | Amazon
- How Stephen King Teaches Writing by Jessica Lahey | The Atlantic
- The Book of Eels: Our Enduring Fascination with the Most Mysterious Creature in the Natural World by Patrik Svensson | Amazon
- Winter World: The Ingenuity of Animal Survival by Bernd Heinrich | Amazon
- Summer World: A Season of Bounty by Bernd Heinrich | Amazon
- Mind of the Raven: Investigations and Adventures with Wolf-Birds by Bernd Heinrich | Amazon
- Owls of the Eastern Ice: A Quest to Find and Save the World’s Largest Owl by Jonathan C. Slaght | Amazon
- Middlebury Language Schools
- Diving Deeper into Medically Assisted Detox | Beachside Rehab
- Delirium Tremens (DTs) | Wikipedia
- Nancy Reagan and the Negative Impact of the ‘Just Say No’ Anti-Drug Campaign | The Guardian
- Fewer Teens Are Drinking. But a Group of Pediatricians Is Begging Parents To Be Vigilant. By Jessica Lahey | the Washington Post
- The Effects of Marijuana on Your Memory | Harvard Health
- Inoculation Theory | Wikipedia
- Day 7 | Armchair Expert
- Dax Shepard on the Craft of Podcasting, Favorite Books, and Dancing with Your Demons | The Tim Ferriss Show #480
- Scrivener | Literature & Latte
- Dreyer’s English: An Utterly Correct Guide to Clarity and Style by Benjamin Dreyer | Amazon
- The OpEd Project
- Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to Raise Successful Kids — Without Over-Parenting | TED Talk
- How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims | Amazon
- Real American: A Memoir by Julie Lythcott-Haims | Amazon
- Half a Life: A Memoir by Darin Strauss | Amazon
- Mary Karr — The Master of Memoir on Creative Process and Finding Gifts in the Suffering | The Tim Ferriss Show #479
- Little, Big by John Crowley | Amazon
- The Book of Two Ways: A Novel by Jodi Picoult | Amazon
- Image Line FL Studio 20 | Amazon
- The 10 Best Free Serum Presets for Music Production | LANDR Blog
- The Most Elegant Key Change in All of Pop Music | Adam Neely
- Electrojazz + EDM | Sungazer
- Berklee School of Music
- In 1968, Vermont Banned Billboards. Here’s Why. | TwistedSifter
- Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence by Laurence Steinberg | Amazon
- Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape by Peggy Orenstein | Amazon
- Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity by Peggy Orenstein | Amazon
- 16 and Recovering | MTV
SHOW NOTES
- Why is Jessica fond of Nobel Peace Prize winner Albert Schweitzer’s intention to make his life his argument? [05:21]
- As someone who’s educated children from grades sixth to 12th, what does Jessica consider the most difficult cohort of students, and what would she change about the structure of when and how this group is commonly instructed? [07:50]
- What do I like about this particular grade — to the point I once considered specializing in teaching it? [13:29]
- What was “taking a nap” code for in Jessica’s extended family? [14:54]
- Why is June 7th, 2013 an important date for Jessica? [17:10]
- Why it’s important to understand the roots of an addiction if we want to gain control over it. [20:20]
- Jessica acknowledges the practical application of psychedelics — provided the recipient has a fully-formed adult brain. [23:15]
- Did Jessica’s commitment to writing a book influence how seriously she took the conversation with her father that changed her life? What most helped her adapt to the changes she knew she had to make in the aftermath? What has she found unhelpful? [24:37]
- What was the catalyst for The Atlantic article that evolved into The Gift of Failure? What are the book’s main theses? [30:39]
- Confidence vs. competence when trying to foster a child’s self-esteem. [36:43]
- How did writing The Gift of Failure affect Jessica’s parenting style? [42:07]
- Why instilling hope in a child is so crucial to their lifelong well-being. [46:05]
- What books and activities keep Jessica aligned along the path of hope and optimism? [49:34]
- What did Jessica find surprising in her research about preventing substance use and abuse in kids? [52:49]
- What does it look like to be a recovery coach at Sana? What is the format? [55:34]
- Why did Jessica decide to write Addiction Inoculation? [1:00:16]
- If “Just say no” is an ineffective script, what are some better ways for parents to guide their children toward making better decisions when they’re exposed to drugs and alcohol? [1:01:18]
- Advice for parents who get the dreaded phone call that their child has been caught up in non-ideal behavior. [1:06:19]
- A favorite failure. [1:10:29]
- Examples of what made Jessica’s “not-to-do” checklist when she was writing her second book, and how she audits her own work for clarity. [1:15:21]
- Writers whose work Jessica finds deserving of extra attention. [1:21:20]
- Best investments of time, money, or energy. [1:29:13]
- What would Jessica’s billboard say (provided she were allowed to post one in her home state)? [1:33:57]
- Visible quotations and objects on hand that serve to inspire Jessica on a daily basis. [1:35:27]
- Parting thoughts on the challenges of releasing a book during a pandemic, having (rather than avoiding) difficult conversations, why Jessica thinks I’d be a fantastic ninth-grade teacher, and Jessica’s dream. [1:41:25]
MORE QUOTES FROM THE INTERVIEW
“I decided I would make my life my argument.”
— Albert Schweitzer
“Rigidity is the bane of my existence.”
— Jessica Lahey
“Recovery looks different for different people.”
— Jessica Lahey
“Did you make someone feel seen or heard today?”
— Jessica Lahey
“There is nothing worse than taking a kid who is just figuring the world out and then telling them, at every turn, that their perceptions are inaccurate.”
— Jessica Lahey
“Resourcefulness only comes from having tried something and screwed it up and tried it again and all that, and had support throughout that process with someone who actually believes in your ability to be resourceful.”
— Jessica Lahey
“A lot of what I write about is, ‘We’re not doing this right. Oh, look, I’m not doing this right. How can I do better and learn from it?’ which is super fun and a little humiliating.”
— Jessica Lahey
Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Stitcher, Castbox, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, or on your favorite podcast platform.
PEOPLE MENTIONED
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