For singles serious about finding lasting love, especially those who may be a little further along in life, one of the best dating strategies is to keep an open mind. It sounds simple, and most people wouldn’t consider themselves close-minded. Yet I am always surprised by how many non-negotiables, or “deal breakers”, a client brings with them at the start of coaching. 

One of my male, 40-something clients, who professed a desire to be married and start a family, mentioned that he prefers not to date women who already have children.  He wanted to avoid the extra weight of exes, deceased spouses, or potentially becoming a step-parent. Given his age range, however, the probability of meeting someone who hadn’t been married with kids was fairly low.

Another deal-breaker I heard recently came from a 60-something female client. She insisted that she didn’t want to date any bald men. I gently pointed out that at this stage of life, few men had a full head of hair and that the trend for men with thinning hair was to go ahead and shave it all.  Especially if they only had a few strands left! 

Most of us have, at some point, made a list (either mental or physical) about what kind of person we wanted to meet for a committed relationship.  

All those little details that seem to build up into the perfect man or woman. But many of the items on the “perfect man/woman” list are superficial. They don’t actually tell you anything about the kind of person you are considering spending your life with. 

When I hear my clients say things like:  “He should be 6’2”, with dark hair, and blue eyes and great abs” or “She should be no less than 10 years younger than me, with blond hair and a trim waist”; “He must have at least a Masters Degree in his chosen field, have no debt, and own his own home.”, or “I won’t date anyone who is more than 20 minutes away from my current location”,  I know immediately that part of the reason they haven’t found love is because they are too focused on the wrong criteria.  

These kinds of deal-breakers are based on fleeting traits that change easily over time and have little to do with true character or compatibility. If you focus solely on things like physical attractiveness, financial security, or proximity, you might have easy chemistry at the start of the relationship, but you’ll miss out on the traits that lead to relationship stability and true, lasting love.

Take a look at your own list. Are you guilty of creating deal-breakers from any of the following? 

• Past Marital Status (e.g., divorced, widowed, never married)
• Having Children from a Previous Relationship
• Age Range (within a reasonable span)
• Physical Appearance or Height (yes, you still want to be attracted to them on some level)
• Income Level (as long as they are financially responsible/manage debt)
• Education Level
• Job Type or Career Field
• Where They Live (especially if relocation is possible)
• Hobbies or Interests
• Social Style (introvert vs. extrovert)

Your pursuit of love will be better served if you keep an open mind with these types of traits. Evaluate them on a case-by-case basis. The key is to assess the person’s values, character, and vision for life, not just the surface-level facts.

What types of deal-breakers should you stand firm about? 

• Core Relationship Values (e.g., honesty, family, faith)
• Life Goals (e.g., wanting children vs. not wanting children, travel-minded vs. staying close to home, etc.)
• Character traits such as integrity, respect, kindness, emotional maturity, resiliency, diligence, dedication, etc.
• Red flags in dating like addiction issues (unaddressed or untreated), abusive or controlling behavior, unresolved anger or emotional instability, manipulative or selfish tendencies, unwillingness to compromise, etc.

These typically relate to your core values, life goals, or emotional safety. They typically don’t improve with time or patience, and ignoring them could lead to long-term incompatibility or pain.

Once you’re clear on the value of being open-minded, the next step is to implement a workable strategy.

1. Examine the story you’re telling yourself.

   Ask yourself: Where did this deal breaker come from? Is it based on a past hurt, fear, or someone else’s expectations? Sometimes we reject a dating possibility not because they’re wrong for us, but because we are holding onto what others have decided is best for us. For example, assuming that just because they are divorced, their kids will be a problem.  

2. Get curious before you get critical.

   Instead of immediately dismissing someone who doesn’t check all your boxes, try asking at least one more question. Learn their backstory- for instance, a woman with a child may have a better co-parenting situation or more stability than you imagine. Get to know their personality- that amazing sense of humor may become quite sexy the more you get to know them. Learn about their likes, loves, and passions- a second glance might reveal a more exciting individual than what your first impression showed.

3. Separate your preferences from your non-negotiables.

   It’s okay to have standards. But if you treat every preference like a deal-breaker, you may end up alone. Define your top 5 non-negotiables, or deal-breakers. Then ask: does this person violate any of them? If not, maybe they deserve a second look.

4. Visualize the life you want, not just the person.

   Sometimes we get so focused on who our future partner should be, we forget to picture what kind of life we want to build with them. A supportive partner with shared values, even if they come in a package we didn’t expect, might fit into that life beautifully.  You may be pleasantly surprised at what’s possible.

5. Practice open-minded dating intentionally.

   Try going on at least one date a month with someone who doesn’t fit your usual “type.” This isn’t about settling. It’s about growing. You may be surprised how quickly a real connection outweighs initial assumptions.

6. Be careful of being too judgmental or quick to weed out someone based on wrong assumptions.

   When I met my husband, he had never been married and was over 40. I had to put aside my assumptions about men over 40 who had never been married. Instead, I gave him a chance and evaluate who he actually presented himself to be without the bias. It was the best choice I could have made!
   

You already know that human perfection doesn’t exist. When you cling too tightly to that perfect man/woman checklist, not only do you miss out on some amazing, potential love interests, but you also waste a lot of time doing it.  

Love, true deep abiding love, doesn’t come from chemistry and superficial traits. It comes from knowing someone deeply, accepting one another completely, and being able to trust them fully. This is the kind of love that lasts, and this is why it’s so important to stay open-minded when considering someone as a potential life partner. 

Mr./Mrs. Right for you may not look exactly like the figure on your checklist, but they could be everything you need to create a life of love, joy, and fulfillment. 

One of my female clients shared with me, “He’s everything I’ve been looking for! Just a little shorter than I ever imagined.” 

True love is out there if you are open to possibilities and are willing to stretch yourself.