When looking for lasting love, I have observed that many of my clients’ “love-connection radar” is off. Over and over again, they seem to keep choosing inappropriate people to date, often the same kind of wrong over and over again. Why does this keep happening to them? It’s because they are choosing a potential love interest by the wrong criteria, or at least in the wrong order. To find success in dating and relationships, it’s all about Values, Values, Values!

Most often, when looking for love, people focus on attraction first (“Is there a spark?”) and compatibility is second. But if you are searching for true, lasting love, you have to understand and prioritize your core relationship values first.

Your values are what you treasure most about a person and a relationship. When your values and your partner’s values don’t align, you will feel disconnected and out of sorts. You can even feel physically sick.  However, if you adjust your radar by prioritizing values, you will make better choices for yourself and will recognize a good potential partner sooner rather than later.

I can’t stress how important it is to have a list with a detailed description of your values so you can adjust your love radar in the right direction.

Understanding Core Relationship Values

Your core relationship values are those attributes, virtues, characteristics, principles, beliefs, etc., that you want to see in your partner, your relationship, and in your future life together.  If these things are out of sync, you will be deeply dissatisfied regardless of how attractive or paper-perfect a love interest seems.  

Start by asking yourself: What qualities must my relationship have for me to feel safe, supported, and connected? Think back to past relationships — when did things feel “off,” and what was missing? Was it honesty? Loyalty? A shared faith? Fun and adventure? Those moments often point to the values that matter most to you.

Next, make a list. Most likely, your list will be very long starting out. That’s ok. As you continue to review it and apply it to the dating process, you will be able to narrow down those core values that reflect what you need in a loving partnership. 

My 3-Step Dating Secrets System will help you narrow down and apply your core relationship values to your dating process:

1. Clarify Who Would Be a Good Match for You

Once you have your values written out, then you have to figure out which ones are your Personal Values and which are your Relationship Values. Your Relationship Values need to be aligned with your life partner’s relationship values. Your Personal Values need to be supported by your partner.

Take time to reflect on previous relationships. Ask yourself: What values were present when things felt right? What was missing when they didn’t work out? This process can help you identify patterns, both good and bad, and clarify what truly matters to you.

2. Focus on Where to Find People Who Share Your Core Relationship Values

If you are to prioritize your values first (vs. attraction), you need to go where you will meet people with similar values. For instance, if you have a value that reflects giving back to your community, look for volunteer opportunities to meet others who feel the same. If possible, focus on those that might have a higher number of singles. 

Also, don’t underestimate the importance of expressing your values in your online dating profile. If you want to attract people who share your values to your profile, you must make it clear right away.  

Moreover, you can better communicate to the Connectors in your life who you are looking for based on these Relationship Values. Connectors are those people whom you trust to make a personal introduction to a potential love interest. If you have clearly communicated your core relationship values to them, it allows them to more easily think about who they know that would be a great match for you.

3. Solidify Your Connection to Your Romantic Partner

Once you’ve met that someone special and you are beginning to forge a relationship, your core relationship values will be the glue that keeps you together during the ups and downs. When you share and support one another’s values, you will just ‘get’ one another. You’ll find that you have an appreciative, supportive, respectful, and caring partner. This will give you the best chance for your future happiness and lasting love.

Recently, a client wrote to tell me how much the values coaching has helped her in both dating and building her relationship with her now husband. Here’s a snippet of her message: 

“Hi Amy! I wanted to let you know that I wouldn’t have given Abe a second look if it wasn’t for the coaching work we did. I’ve stuck very close to who we described in terms of life goals and values. I bring up my values constantly to him to work out issues and challenges we have faced together. I can’t thank you enough for opening my mind and giving me hope while dating.”

When she came to me, Pam, an attractive woman in her late 20s, had become disillusioned with love and dating. She wasn’t sure there was a right man for her. But Pam longed for marriage and a family and was willing to commit to the process. We spent a fair amount of time coaching around her values and goals for an ideal relationship. Once she understood how to look for and communicate these, she became enthusiastic about finding the right guy who would fit the life and the future she saw for herself. Within 1 year of coaching, she and Abe were married. They continue to keep in touch with me, and I am thrilled to be a part of their love story.

If you’re serious about finding a life partner, don’t leave it up to chance.

By disregarding your relationship values, you will keep dating the wrong people for the wrong reasons. It might take a little more introspective work upfront, but understanding and prioritizing your core relationship values will save you so much time and heartbreak in your pursuit of lasting love. You’ll be able to determine more quickly who is a good fit. And you’ll be able to kindly pass on those who aren’t. Often, my clients know the person is “the one” within 3 to 6 dates! 

If you’re not sure where to start, that’s exactly where coaching comes in. I’ve helped hundreds of singles just like you get clear on their values, trust themselves again, and find the kind of love they’d always dreamed of.  I’d love to help you too! Reach out and let’s find a time to connect.