In my time as a Dating and Relationship Coach, I have worked with singles across all the relationship phases & stages. From never-marrieds to divorced or widowed singles, I’m excited to help anyone searching for lasting love.  However, during a book talk I was giving for my book Get It Right This Time, I was speaking to a group that asked the question, “How important is the marital status of my date or love interest if I’m looking for a long-term relationship?” 

It’s a great question! Right off the bat, I would say, it’s VERY important! Yet why it’s important to one person might be vastly different from another. 

The reality is that the marital status of your date can affect everything from how emotionally available they are to how soon they’re ready to move forward with a committed relationship. Whether you’re dating someone who’s divorced, separated, or widowed, these factors matter more than most people realize.

So, how much weight should you give to the marital status of your date? And how do you know if it’s something you’re truly comfortable with?  

First, it’s important to define terms when it comes to marital status: 

• Single, Never Married
  Someone who has never been married and has no legal ties to a past romantic relationship.
• Separated 
  Someone who is still legally married but no longer living as a couple. They may be in the process of getting divorced or taking time apart to decide the future of the marriage.  
• Divorced
  Someone whose marriage has been legally dissolved by a court. This person no longer has legal marital ties to a former spouse, though they may have ongoing responsibilities like co-parenting or financial agreements.
• Widowed
  Someone whose spouse has died. Widowed individuals often have a different type of healing process and grief compared to those who are divorced. Emotional readiness for a new relationship can vary widely.
• Separated or Divorced but Still Living Together
  Someone who is either separated (regardless of legality) or already divorced but continues to live in the same household with their former spouse. The separated, but still-living-together, couple may or may not have been legally married, but at some point prior they were in a committed partnership with their ex.

Second, the two most important questions to consider when deciding if the marital status of your date is important are:

1. How long has the person been in their current marital status?
2. How comfortable are you with their status and with the specific issues that accompany it?

Single, Never Married

The single person who has never been married or cohabited with their partner seems, on the surface, like the easiest marital status to date. However, like anyone, they can have relationship baggage too.

Depending on their age, the first question is “Why are they still single?”. That’s always the question my girlfriends ask about any guy who seems amazing, but is still available after 35. The immediate concern is “what’s his red flag?” But the truth is, there are a lot of very valid reasons that someone more mature may be single, from being career-minded to family obligations, to health-related reasons. etc.  The journey for true, lasting love takes courage, sometimes patience, and good timing.

If you are dating a never-married single, but you have been, you might be the one needing to reassure them of your green flags. Be patient with them. They will likely have questions and potentially concerns about how your past love life will affect them. However, many never-married individuals may have been in a committed relationship, hoping it would move towards marriage, and never did. So don’t judge them too harshly. Always be curious about their path towards finding a life partner.

My husband was never married at 47 (and I was divorced at 36). I saw that he was working on himself, was in a group for singles, and was open to learning and growing. That impressed me.  By the way, it was my relationship coach who urged me not to judge my now husband for never being married in his 40s.  

Divorced

At a certain age, you may find that your dating pool seems to have more divorced singles than before.  One of the most important concerns when you choose to date someone who is divorced is time. How long have they been divorced? Someone recently divorced may still be working through the anger, grief, and loss of their divorce. They may still be working through how to deal with their ex, their kids, all while holding down a job. They may be lonely and decide to jump back out there. But that doesn’t mean they are emotionally ready for a committed relationship at this time.   

Ask them how their relationship with their ex is. What are they doing to process and grow from their previous relationship?  Be wary of someone who isn’t doing anything healing or is still blaming their ex for everything.  And if they are still fighting with their ex (and not putting the interest of their kids first), then run the other way, quickly! 

Be mindful of how the divorced person is with their kids and exes.

This is where your comfort level comes into play.  If the “Divorced” marital status of your date is concerning, look for these things:

• How well do they and their ex co-parent?
• How often do they celebrate with their ex for the sake of the kids?
• Are there any significant financial concerns that could affect their next marriage?
• How comfortable are you with being a step-parent and allowing the needs of the kids to take priority in your partnership or marriage?
• If you also want to have kids, is your partner interested in having more, or are they content with the kids they have?

It’s important to address these concerns early in the relationship, ideally before the kids are even introduced.  

Widowed

I have found that for most of my clients, there are similarities in the divorced and widowed statuses. Both of these single groups understand what it is to commit your life to someone. Both may have children or financial concerns left over from their previous lives. And both go through a phase of grieving the loss of their previous relationship.  However, with a widowed single, timing and age can be the biggest concerns.

Much like a divorced person, a newly widowed person is often still grieving and learning how to adjust to their new singleness.  Only in this case, their marital status isn’t something they had a choice in. There isn’t the animosity towards their ex that is most often found in divorce.  However, they can be mad that they were left and now have to deal with everything on their own. Processing the death of a loved one can take years. For them and for the rest of the family.

Be aware that if the marital status of your date is “widowed”, there can be significant objections from their kids, in-laws, and family friends.

Many times, there is a feeling of betrayal, and it’s hard for others to see their widowed family member “move on”.  However, it’s never wrong to want to have a loving partner in their life again.  

Depending on the age of the widow/widower, they may be more inclined to remarry. I’ve found that older widowers tend to remarry more quickly than younger widowers or even widows of any age. And it’s not because they loved less, or “got over it” too soon. Rather, when a man has found joy in married life, especially if they were married for a long time, they are less content with singleness. They fully appreciate having a partner. They miss the companionship of love, and don’t want to live their golden years without it.  Also, if their social group is married, they want to fit in and feel part of the group again.  

If you’re dating a widowed person, here are some questions to consider.

• How long has it been, have they grieved, and are they emotionally available to love again?
• Do they have family members with objections to a new relationship?
• Are you comfortable honoring the memory of their deceased spouse with them and/or the family?
• Are you confident enough to trust that their love for you is as true as their love for their deceased spouse? That love doesn’t go away, but that doesn’t make their love for you any less real!

Separated

When I think of all the marital status dating scenarios, this is the one that can cause the most complications for the marriage-minded or seriously searching person.

Many separated people are eager to get out there and date. They want to find companionship. They want to be loved or at least have a physical relationship. There is just one hitch – they are still legally tethered to the soon-to-be (or not so soon-to-be) ex. Depending on where a couple is divorcing, a lengthy legal separation may be required before a divorce will be considered. Up to a year or more in some states! And courts can be backed up which makes the final divorce take much longer than expected. 

The immediate concern is whether or not both people are on the same page about the impending divorce.

• Is one person holding out hope for reconciliation?
• Are they attending counseling together? 
• Have they agreed to begin seeing other people?

A problem may also arise when the separated person is finally granted a divorce. I myself dated a man who was separated (he told me his divorce was imminent). He was attentive and almost the ideal boyfriend. I was 40 years old and still dreamed of being married and starting a family. When his divorce finally came through, he turned around and said, “I’m not looking to get married again for a while, I just got divorced!”  

On the flip side, I did have a client who dated a man who was separated with two teenage children. He had been mentally out of his marriage for a long time. They dated and got married right after his divorce was finalized. So it can work. It just depends on your constitution, how patient you can be, and whether you trust what they are telling you.

However, if you are truly motivated to find a serious love relationship, I generally advise that my clients date people whose marital status is more concrete. Those who are legally and truly emotionally free to be in a serious, committed relationship.  

Still Living Together 

While it sounds like this only happens in a sitcom, I have had clients who have met a potential love interest only to find they are still living with their ex. The reasons are many: kids, finances, family… Regardless, this marital status adds extra layers of complexity to a new dating relationship. Much like the separated single, it may get awkward. You’ll need to have lots of patience, and be willing to trust that everything is on the up and up.  

Again, I recommend to my clients that the quickest path to a lasting, loving partnership is one without the ex still front and center. 

Trust Your Gut

We can talk all day long about the pros and cons of the marital status of your date, but really, it comes down to your comfort level and what your instincts are telling you. Are they emotionally & mentally ready for a new relationship? Have they considered all the factors of their scenario and how to fit someone new in? Can you trust them?

Take your time to truly understand what you’re willing to navigate in a relationship. Have honest conversations early. Communicate your relationship values and goals. Know the timeframe that you’re willing to be in a relationship before expecting the next level of commitment. If your date’s situation doesn’t align with your hopes for a lasting partnership, it’s okay to walk away. You deserve a relationship that does meet your needs fully.  

If you are unsure of which situation would work best for you, then let’s talk. Go to www.talkwithcoachamy.com . Let’s find time to explore your current situation and see if it’s truly the relationship for the long haul.