As a Dating & Relationship Coach for singles looking for lasting love, be it marriage or a committed partnership, I recognize that many people are on some kind of love journey. I’ve found that many of my clients are encouraged by hearing from others who, in the face of relationship difficulties, have found success in love. It’s the realization that “If it can happen for her/him, it can happen for me!”. So I love to share, with permission, my clients’ success stories.

Even my own story is a testament to the lessons found and the tools needed when looking for true and lasting love, even after divorce. 

After being married for 11 years, I found myself divorced at 36 years old. It was something I never expected. When we got married at 25, we decided to wait to have kids until our 30s. So at 35, we began to plan. Or so I thought. It turned out that our discussion around children was the beginning of the end of our marriage. At that time, I found out my husband had an affair, refused to work on the marriage, and we filed for divorce. 

Once I realized my marriage was over and there was no turning back, I took several steps to heal myself.

First, I began working with a therapist to heal from the loss of my marriage and to take a deeper look at what went wrong. I realized that my ex and I never truly had the same life goals and values for our marriage and life together. This was a big eye-opener!

I also realized that I still wanted a partner and a family, which meant I couldn’t give up searching for lasting love.

So, I joined several singles groups in my community. I was very active and I tried many different things. I was “motivated” to meet someone who wanted a family as well. Being an extroverted, friendly person, I had no problem meeting men for dating, good men even.

However, meeting men who shared my relationship values and life goals was a bit harder.

I had seen the impact on a female 40-year-old friend who married a man in his late 50s with grown children, and how hard it was for her to give up her dream of having kids of her own (which she did). 

So I stayed focused on my goal of meeting a marriage-minded, family-oriented man. I tried every avenue possible: a matchmaking service, speed dating, online dating sites, singles events, sports groups and activities, singles travel groups, and even the classified sections of a local newspaper (still very popular back then). 

Additionally, I kept working to expand my personal growth through seminars, reading, and working with a dating coach in both a group and individually. 

After turning forty, I felt that those who wanted families were only looking at 30-year-olds. My time was running out (women didn’t have the option of freezing their eggs back then). I had a decision to make. If I wanted to find lasting love, I needed to make a big shift in how I was putting myself out there to date. I also decided to consider dating outside the DC area – if the right guy presented himself. 

About this time, I realized I had to make changes in my business to support my relationship goals.

I owned and operated a clothing boutique, which took up much of my time. If I wanted to prioritize finding love, I needed help. I hired a manager and started to delegate more, so I had time to go out, attend singles events, and activities that I enjoyed. The tradeoff was that I took home less pay from the business. 

Eventually, I decided that finding lasting love was more important to me than having a child.

While I had dreamt of having kids, I realized the right relationship mattered more than desperately settling for just anyone who was willing to have kids. I needed to relax, let go of the time pressure, and just enjoy my life, instead of stressing about the outcome! Oddly, when I relaxed a bit, more men seemed to be attracted to me. This was the beginning of something big in my dating life.

About this time, I traveled with my bicycling group to Cape May, NJ. On that trip, I met 3 men who seemed to be interested in me. One of them was my (now) husband Alan.

During that weekend, Alan was at my dinner table and made an effort to ride alongside me during the day’s bike ride. On Saturday night, I tried to get a group together to go to a local amusement park. It ended up being just Alan and me! 

We both love amusement parks and especially roller coasters! So we rode rides, walked along the boardwalk, and did so much talking. I found out we had similar family backgrounds and we realized that we also had many similar values in common. It was a fun night. My friends teased that it was our first date, but I objected. We were just friends. 

When we returned that evening, Alan headed back to his room. I saw my friends in the bar, and they were heading down the street, so I joined them! There was another guy in the group who seemed cute, and we walked together along the beach. The next day, a third guy sought me out, and we hung out with others playing tennis. 

At the time, I hadn’t realized Alan was going to be the one.

He was just a nice guy that I enjoyed spending time with. I had accidentally friend-zoned him, but he kept showing up, dependable, engaging, and fun. And that steady interest in me set the stage for us to start dating.

After we got home from our trip, Alan was prompt about calling me up and asking me out for the following Saturday night. Some men, those who play games or subscribe to the “rules” of dating, might have thought it a bad idea to call so soon. I realized however, that this was a good sign that he was also looking for long-term, lasting love!

So our first real date was a picnic that Alan had put together for us for an outdoor concert. It was an enjoyable evening. I also asked him my dating questions: “How do you like the singles’ world?” He answered, “I hate it”. It was then that I knew he was someone who was marriage-minded and was ready to settle down. At the end of the evening, Alan asked me, “Do you have plans for tomorrow afternoon? There is a Shakespeare theatre in the park”.

I had a choice to make- I could be “Rules-like” and say I have plans (which I didn’t), or I could go for it. I said yes to that second date, and that was a turning point in our relationship.

Not only did Alan prove himself to be sincere by initiating our dates, but he made a point to prioritize me and my comfort. Even though I was 20 miles in the wrong direction, he insisted on picking me up for our dates. He was a true gentleman and treated me like a lady.

I learned something huge during this time. Marriage-minded people don’t subscribe to dating “Rules”. They aren’t interested in playing games, trickery, or hiding their intentions.

They believe in being open about their interest and consistent in showing that interest. And they expect to see that reciprocated. If you are unwilling to show that interest back, they aren’t going to put their energies towards you. They respect themselves enough to move on to someone who will. Marriage-minded people do not have time for games or indecisive partners.

Over the next couple of months, I kept busy, both with work and getting to know each of the guys a little better. The other guys were good guys, but only Alan appeared marriage-minded, focused on dating only me, and followed through consistently. He wasn’t dating anyone else and seemed sincere in his sole interest in me. 

One of the questions I get from my clients who are looking for lasting love is how soon to have serious dating conversations about whether someone is marriage-minded and/or if they want children in their near future.

I always advocate the importance of having this pivotal conversation sooner rather than later. Who wants to waste time trying someone out who isn’t on the same page? Some people worry that this will scare their love interest away. My answer is, “If that scares them away, then they weren’t really the right one.” 

Within a month of meeting Alan, I told him my goal for dating was to find someone who wanted marriage and a family. Fortunately, he told me he wanted that too. So, at least I knew we had the same life goals.

Some people worry that this will scare their love interest away. My answer is, “If that scares them away, then they weren’t really the right one.” 

The next hurdle for Alan and me was how we would handle our other commitments, friends, and relationships.

Previously, I had made plans to go to a singles weekend with my girlfriend. Alan had planned a summer vacation to Canada. He wanted me to go with him, but we had only been dating for two months at this point and weren’t officially exclusive. What Alan and I agreed was that we would go, no strings attached, on our respective trips. When we came back, if we both felt the same way, we would begin dating exclusively. 

So I went on the weekend to the beach and had a good time, but there was no one of interest there. My girlfriend and I had a fun weekend of sightseeing, shopping, dancing, and hanging out at the beach. I missed Alan, but I was glad I hadn’t canceled on her. 

Alan also had a good trip as well with a nice group of people. And when he returned, he called me. He had also been thinking about me and had picked up some unique jewelry from Canada for me. 

Sometimes, a little distance can put perspective on a relationship. After that weekend, and within two months of that initial biking trip, we were dating exclusively! 

The next step was meeting the members of each of our families.

In September 2021, Alan and I decided to make the trip to New York and New Jersey to meet our respective families. We knew we had found lasting love in each other and were serious about not wasting time. I was already 41 years old, and we still wanted to have a family. So off we flew to LaGuardia airport and drove a rental car to Northern New Jersey, where one of his sisters lived. Most of his family came, and we had a wonderful time. It was encouraging to see that Alan’s family had many similarities to my own.

After we visited with his family, Alan and I drove into Manhattan, where I had a room reserved at a hotel. I was planning on staying an extra day to do some buying for my boutique. That night, my mother came into the city to meet Alan. We went for dinner at a nearby restaurant and enjoyed a very nice evening together. My mother knew it was serious if I was willing to introduce her to one of my boyfriends. I had stopped doing so after hearing “Is this one serious?” every time I dated someone new. 

The next day, we had a “fun day” planned for just the two of us in the city together. We ran around Central Park and enjoyed dinner at the Russian Tea Room. After dinner, Alan got into a cab to LaGuardia airport so he could catch the shuttle back to DC. As it turned out, it was to be the last plane to leave New York.

That was the evening of Monday, September 10th, 2001.

The next morning, I woke up and checked out of my hotel, ready to have a full and productive buying day. It was a beautiful morning, sunny and comfortable, so I decided to walk to the Garment district. As I walked through Times Square in the early morning, I saw a disturbing thing on the Times Square screen – it was what looked like a bombing of one of the Twin Towers. At this point, no one knew what was really happening. Soon however, everyone would realize the terror of that day.

When I arrived at my first appointment, the merchandise representative asked, “Did you hear what happened?” “No”, I replied. “One of the Twin Towers has collapsed”, she said. I was in disbelief. This couldn’t be happening! I hadn’t yet grasped the gravity of this day.

Yet there I was, alone in New York City during the bombing and collapse of the Twin Towers.

I managed to get a call out to Alan and found out that all the flights and trains leaving New York City had been cancelled. I had no way home and nowhere to stay. Fortunately, one of the merchandising reps was a friend and said I could stay with her that evening. In the meantime, I had to figure out how to get home and how to make sure my cat back home was cared for.

I managed to get in touch with Alan again, and we figured out that I might be able to get a train out the following day, and Alan would call my friend Margie to care for my cat. When I finally made it back to DC, Alan made sure to pick me up at Union Station in DC and drove me back to the airport to pick up my car in Virginia. 

This terrible event made me realize that Alan was the kind of guy that I could depend on in times of emergency. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Being there for each other in good times and bad? Having someone be your support person. This experience made me feel closer than ever to Alan, and within a few months, we were engaged, and a year later, on July 20, 2002, we married. 

The lessons I learned on my journey for lasting love are the same ones that I have seen played out over and over again in my 20+ years of dating & relationship coaching. 

Do the inner work. Know your relationship values and life goals. Meet new people in the places that reflect those values and goals. Don’t play games- be honest about what you want. Make room in your life for love. Check out your friend zone. Relax, be open, and be patient. 

These lessons have become some of the many tools I use to help my clients find their forever loves.

If you’re still looking for lasting love, I’d love to help you get on the right track to finally finding your person. I know it may have been a hard journey to get to this point, but if you’re ready, so am I! Reach out today and let’s set up a time to get you on the right track!