As a dating and relationship coach, I rarely come across new clients who just love dating. Usually, the singles I work with have become confused and frustrated with dating, often feeling like they’ll never find love and that maybe it’s time to give up. Take this message I received from a new client: 

“I’m a single woman in my late 30s who is having a hard time with dating for marriage! I am very frustrated. I don’t seem to know the answers to all the dos and don’ts.  Do you tell men upfront that you want to get married?  Do you ever call them?  It seems like men play so many games.  And, once they get your attention, they tend to run away…”. 

Does this sound familiar? Her feelings are not uncommon and embody much of what I hear from singles all the time. They are confused by mixed signals, etiquette, and the “rules”, frustrated by the dating scene or trying to find the right people, and they are exhausted by the time and energy of the process overall.  

If you are dating with the hope of marriage or a serious long-term relationship, and find yourself resonating with these dating frustrations, I am here to offer you hope!

While I might not have all the answers to every specific issue, the first thing you need to know is that you have to present your honest, authentic self when dating.  The right person will respond positively, and the wrong ones will self-select themselves out of your life. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, and vice versa.

But to be more specific, something I have learned in my 20+ years of relationship coaching is that there are 3 essentials you need to know that will help ease most seriously searching dating problems. 

1. Know with clarity your Relationship Values

2. Know your Life Goals and how a partner should fit into them.

3. Know your Vision of your Ideal Partner, your relationship Must-Haves, and your Deal-Breakers

“But Amy”, you might ask, “how do those three things solve her frustrations with dating? How can they solve mine?”  I’m so glad you asked! 

Let’s look at some of the most common reasons singles are frustrated and how these three essentials can help make dating finally make sense.

1. Where to meet quality people

   “How do I find other quality singles who are also interested in marriage?”
   Not everyone is going to like this answer, but 80% of my successfully coupled clients met their partner or spouse online. Online dating programs allow you to set very specific parameters about who and what you’re looking for. You can (and should!) clearly articulate that you are looking to marry, or for a long-term relationship, as well as your other goals and values.

   When considering alternatives to online dating, I don’t recommend bars and clubs. The field is just too open. However, community activities, clubs, societies, places of worship, etc., that you feel passionate about are good places to meet similarly minded people. Not everyone will be single and looking, but you’ll be able to widen your social or networking group with people who share your values.

2. Confusion about ‘the process’ of moving from dating to a relationship-

   “When is it okay to be exclusive?” “How many dates should I give someone?”
   Believe it or not, most of the time, if you are asking these questions, you might not be with the right person. Or you’re worrying in advance about something that, with the right person, works itself out.

   When I met my husband Alan, I was 41, really Motivated to Marry®, and wanted to have a family. I fine-tuned my dating-for-marriage approach to having that conversation within a month of meeting someone. My philosophy was, if the guy runs, let him!

   When I mentioned my goal of wanting to get married and have a family, Alan said, “Me too!” Then I knew this relationship had potential and continued to date him.

   The dating process only gets truly muddled when you don’t know what you’re looking for and/or what you want out of life and love. When you have clarity about these things, you’ll find the dating process easier because you won’t spend time “processing” the wrong people. You’ll have communicated your values and goals early on, and you’ll both know if you fit together. 

3. Gender Roles & Dating Etiquette-

   “Should a woman ever make the first move? What are the do’s and don’ts?”
   First, yes, it is socially acceptable for women to reach out first. Things have changed dramatically in modern dating, and older gender-based dating “rules” rarely apply.

   In a healthy relationship, with aligned values like partnership & respect, game playing is not an issue. I had a client who enjoyed a date and called the guy up to say,” I enjoyed our date, thank you. I would like to see you again”. They are now married!

   If you’re values are clearly communicated, and respect and reciprocity are part of your must-haves, you’ll find yourself connecting with people who care about those things more than playing games or outdated etiquette. 

4. Dating App Overwhelm-

   “How do I stand out?” “Which apps work?“ ”How do I know who to connect with?
   Most often, if you’re overwhelmed by online dating, you’ve likely cast your net too wide. You don’t want more matches, you want the right matches. This means you’re profile needs to be very clear about your goals for dating, your relationship values, and the kind of person you are interested in meeting.

   Yes, some sites/apps are better than others for seriously searching singles. But regardless of the site, clarity will help you find more qualified matches, so you won’t spend all your time fielding bad matches.

5. Lack of Clarity & Mixed Signals

   “Are they into me or not?” “Why do people ghost?” How soon do I bring up that I want to be married?“
   First of all, if you “match” with someone online, yet don’t see in their profile the same kind of clarity you are putting in yours, don’t take the next step.

   If you meet someone new and decide to begin dating, you should be upfront early on. Let them know, before you build any attachment, that you aren’t looking for a fling. They need to know that you are hoping to connect with someone also interested in pursuing a serious relationship. If they don’t respond positively to the idea of this, then take that as a signal that you probably don’t have shared relationship goals.

   It really is that simple. No matter how fun, sexy, or intriguing someone is, if you are serious about finding true, lasting love, you don’t want to give away precious time for someone who “might, maybe, someday” be interested in commitment.  

   Are you noticing a trend yet? You’ll be far less frustrated with and confused by dating when your relationship values and goals are aligned. There will be consistency in words and actions, allowing you to truly connect. If there isn’t, move on and don’t waste time worrying about that individual. 

6. Fear of Rejection or Wasting Time-

   “Why do I keep attracting the wrong people? “Will anyone want me?”
   Sometimes, the wrong people will be drawn to you because they want what you have. That’s a them issue, not a you issue. Don’t reciprocate their interest if you know they don’t align with what you want and are looking for in love. Staying true to your must-haves/deal breakers helps you to confidently say no and move on.

   However, if the problem keeps occurring, then you are not clearly communicating or living out what you say you value and want in your life. Either that or you are not presenting your authentic self when communicating with people. Not everyone will love you, and you shouldn’t want everyone to. Again, you want the right people, and that means individuals who have similar interests, values, and goals.
   
   

7. Time & Energy Drain-

   “How can I make dating not feel like a full-time job?“
   This is an important issue I see all the time with seriously searching singles. They don’t carve out enough of the right kind of time for the process. Like any other goal, you prioritize what matters to you. So yes, if you want true love, you may have to put some other interests or hobbies on hold to make yourself more available.

   But here is the good news: Clear values equal less screening time! Shared goals prevent you from trying to “convince” someone to move your way, and identifying deal breakers early keeps you from dragging out dead ends.

8. Past Baggage & Trust Issues-

   “Am I ready to date? Are they over their ex?”
   If you are asking yourself these questions, I applaud you. Many people frustrated with dating aren’t prepared to nurture or make time for. Maybe they have been hurt and need time to evaluate and heal, maybe they need to prioritize their life.

   If the primary concern is about your love interest, consider their emotional availability. Are they open forthcoming about their intentions with you? How often they ruminate over past relationships? If it seems like they are living in the past, they aren’t ready for a future with you.

   If you’re unsure about your own readiness, I suggest you take my “Are You Ready to Meet Your Mate?” Quiz. This will help assess your current state and understand i you need to make changes before pursuing love.

It really is amazing how truly knowing these 3 essentials can solve so many of the reasons singles are frustrated with dating. 

The question is now, do you ACTUALLY know life goals, understand your relationship values, and have a true vision of your ideal partner? Many people think they do, but it’s more than just a checklist of what he/she should look like or a moral code.

If you’ve applied these essentials to your dating process and are still having trouble, maybe it’s time for a little help. I’d love to chat with you and see which of my coaching programs is right for you. Let’s connect today so you can end your frustrations with dating and finally find the love of your life.