There’s a perception among many singles – and even among the dating gurus who advise them – that dating is a competition. They talk like sports coaches (“You need to up your game!”) and defeated players (“I’m not having any luck with this dating game.”).

Do you view dating as a game?

I sincerely hope not. 

And let me explain why.

We play games on the field, on the court, and in social settings with board and yard games. They’re fun, often exciting…and always competitive, even if only between friends.

There are winners. 

There are losers.

And, depending on the stakes, the losers go back to the drawing board to figure out how to become winners.

Does this apply to dating? 

Well, apparently it often does. But should it?

DEFINITELY NOT!

Dating is not a game. It’s about connection, not competition.

Dating for a serious relationship is about creating a partnership in which you’re both on the same side and want what’s best for one another.

If you think dating is a competition and/or treat it as one, you will end up creating mind games and power struggles.

And power struggles are one of the primary causes of failed relationships.

Marriage-minded people inherently know that they somehow have to end up “in the same place” with a partner. 

If they are going to make a lifetime commitment to another person, they have to care about that person’s dreams and contribute to their fulfillment.

Both people may need to compromise for the betterment of the couple. That’s the nature, challenge, and lesson of marriage.

That usually means that the two partners are rarely contributing equally at the same time. Sometimes their efforts add up to 100%, sometimes they don’t. 

And, if both people are really pouring their hearts and souls into their relationship, they may get close to the ideal of 200%.

But 50-50?

Relationships don’t work that way.

My own marriage is a good example.

After our engagement, Alan sold his condo in Virginia and moved into my townhouse in Rockville, MD. This was a big change for him.

In an effort to make his move-in as easy as possible, I cleaned out a closet and a set of drawers in a dresser for him. And he set up an office in the basement.

We also agreed to get new furniture that we chose together in order to create an “us” space.

We never thought, “Dating is a competition. I need to push to get my way or s/he will take advantage of me.”

Everything was about collaboration, which often meant compromise and sacrifice.

When you are genuinely committed to finding true love, you treat your relationship as its own entity. It becomes the apex of a pyramid, so to speak, and the two of you funnel your energy up to it.

You view yourself and your partner as components of a system that is devoted to the good of your relationship. All your actions are evaluated through this filter.

If your actions don’t meet this criterion, then you have an opportunity to change in order to better support the relationship.

Relationships can’t sustain an imbalance for too long. Each person has to have his/her needs met. Otherwise resentment sets in.

This may sound logical for a relationship that is already established. But why is it such a big deal for dating before you get involved in a relationship?

Simply put, the chances of getting into a relationship, let alone one that is worth considering for life, are slim to none if you think dating is a competition.

Try to envision what you can create together for mutual benefit. Then see if you’re on the same page about your life vision and goals.

Instead of viewing dating as a game, view it as a collaboration. 

In my coaching work with pre-engaged and premarital couples, I help partners align their life visions and prepare for tackling any issues that may arise down the road. We essentially build an insurance policy for their relationship.

Couples’ coaching deepens a couple’s awareness of one another and, ultimately, builds greater connection.

Interested in learning more about this collaborative style of couples’ coaching? 

You can schedule some time for us to chat by visiting https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/ to access my online scheduler.

I’d love to help you create a loving, collaborative lasting relationship with your desired life partner.