You can dish it out. But can you take it?

Most of us spend years learning how to give feedback well. We rehearse what to say, soften the delivery, and pick our timing carefully. But almost no one teaches us the other half of the equation, which is how to receive negative feedback without getting defensive.

Why We Get Defensive

If you’ve ever felt your heart rate climb the moment someone said, “Can I give you some feedback?”, you’re not weak. You’re human.

Our brains process criticism as a threat. The thoughtful, problem-solving part of our brain goes quiet, and the part that handles fight, flight, or freeze takes over. Before the other person has even finished their sentence, we’re already building our case.

Truth-be-told, that defensive posture shuts down the very information we need to grow. It protects the ego in the short term and isolates us in the long term.

The good news? There’s a simple way to interrupt the reflex.

The Three-Word Reminder

Years ago, one of my first mentors gave me some advice that has stayed with me over the years.

Ask for more.

Three small words, but they do real work. They take the energy we would have spent defending ourselves and redirect it toward curiosity. And curiosity opens doors that defensiveness slams shut.

Here’s what it looked like in practice.

When I was a supervisor at a large university, I asked one of my employees a simple question during a one-on-one meeting: “How do you think we can improve the department?”

His reply landed like a punch: “You can be a better supervisor!”

I felt my defenses go up immediately. I could have shut him down, justified my approach, or quietly decided to “write him up” later. Instead, I remembered my mentor’s advice. I took a breath, and I asked for more.

“How do you mean?”

What came next was some of the most valuable feedback I’d ever received about my own leadership. Feedback I would have completely missed if I’d let my ego do the talking.

Phrases to Ask for More

Asking for more isn’t a single phrase. It’s a habit. When I share the Ask-for-More strategy in my communication keynotes, I offer participants several variations to try, each suited to a slightly different moment:

• “How do you mean?” Best when the feedback is vague or you genuinely don’t know what they’re referring to.
• “Can you give me an example?” Best when you suspect there’s a specific incident behind the comment.
• “Can you be more specific?” Best when the feedback is general, like “You’re hard to work with,” and you need it grounded.
• “Can you elaborate, please?” Best in formal or professional settings where tone matters.
• “Tell me more.” The most disarming of all. Three words, no question mark. It invites rather than interrogates.

Try them on. Use the ones that feel like something you’d actually say.

From Criticism to Solution

Asking for more is step one. But once the other person has clarified, you’ll often find their feedback is still about what’s wrong, not what they’d actually like to see happen. Vague feedback is hard to act on, so the next move is to guide the conversation toward something concrete.

A few of my favorites:

• “What do you suggest?”
• “What would you like to see happen?”
• “What do you think we should do?”
• “How should we resolve it?”
• “In your opinion, what should be done?”

These phrases shift the dynamic. You’re no longer the target of criticism. You’re a partner in problem-solving. That alone can defuse a tense conversation in seconds.

One important note. How you say it matters as much as what you say. “What do you suggest?” said through gritted teeth lands very differently than the same words spoken with genuine curiosity. People can feel the difference instantly.

The Most Common Mistake

Here’s the trap I see most often…sometimes even in myself.

Insincere curiosity.

Asking for more while clearly preparing your rebuttal. Nodding while building your case. Saying “Tell me more” with eyes that say, “I dare you.”

People feel it. And the conversation collapses, even though you said all the “right” things.

Real curiosity requires something harder. You have to actually be willing to be changed by what you hear. You don’t have to agree with every piece of feedback you receive. However, you do benefit from staying calm and cool amid criticism and being genuinely open to the possibility that the other person sees something you don’t.

Lesson Learned

Receiving negative feedback gracefully is a learnable skill, not a personality trait. When you ask for more instead of pushing back, three good things happen at once. You gather information you can actually use. You signal maturity and openness to the other person. And you transform an uncomfortable conversation into constructive communication.

So, yes, you can dish it out. And with the Ask-for-More strategy, turns out you can take it too.