When most people share relationship skills advice, “Asking For What You Want” is not on the list. The things that do tend to make the list include communication, self-awareness, boundaries, honesty, listening, etc. And while asking for what you want could fall under a couple of these broader skill sets, it’s rarely specified.

Think about it, when was the last time you clearly asked for what you wanted from a relationship, new or old? Not just “can you pick up your socks?”, or “I’d like to see this specific movie”. I mean, asking for those things that truly matter to you. Things like affection, consistency, activity, commitment, etc. For some reason, these values, which will make or break a relationship, are rarely discussed between potential partners, yet they are some of the most important things to know about one another. 

Why does asking for what you want get overlooked as a relationship skill? 

First off, this is a daunting and complicated topic, so it’s easy to gloss over and lump it under “communication skills” or “self-awareness”. It’s a relationship skill that is so specific to the individual. So, you’ve got to actually know what you need in a relationship. Then, to make it even more difficult, you have to overcome anything that hinders you from stepping up and making the “ask”.

When I’m coaching a new client, one of the first things we discuss is core values and relationship goals. Most singles can’t articulate what is most important to them when looking at a potential partner or in a relationship. Many think they know, but this step is about getting super specific and crystal clear. Additionally, you’ve got to know your must-haves, like-to-haves, and deal-breakers. 

For example, if you value health and adventure and you want an active lifestyle, a TV-addicted couch potato isn’t going to meet your needs. Getting even more specific, maybe you love music and dancing, so you want someone who will dance with you. Your Like-to-Have might be “Good Dancer”. Your Must-Have might be “willing to make a fool of themselves to try new things,” and your Deal-breaker might then be “refuses to dance” or “refuses to try new hobbies”. 

Asking for what you want shouldn’t wait until things get hard or you feel like something’s missing. It should happen before you even go out on a date! 

Imagine this: you were introduced, to another single person in your age/stage of life. You meet, get along, are reasonably attracted to one another, and seem to be on the same page about what you want out of a relationship, in this case, a committed relationship leading to marriage and a family. So you begin a relationship. But as the relationship progresses, you realize you might be more different than you first thought. You LOVE the great outdoors. You want to be hiking, camping, and taking long walks with the dogs. But your love interest loves being online… all the time. Maybe they’re a gamer with a live stream, or an intellectual researcher and Reddit Warrior. 

Is either lifestyle inherently bad? No. But the combination doesn’t actually make for a sustainable long-term relationship without significant compromise from someone. But at this point, you like the person. An attachment has been formed, and you’re unsure what to do about the growing mismatch. Yes, you could begin asking each other for more of what you both need, and maybe that will work. But wouldn’t it have been better to be introduced to someone with whom you were already on the same page?

Asking for what you want starts with how you present yourself and your relationship values before you begin dating, whether that’s in your online profile, with friends who are looking out for you, or when you are meeting people out and about. 

What keeps you from asking for what you want? 

One of my clients, Julie, was dating a guy who would only call her when he wanted to set up a date. He never called just to see how she was doing or to check in on her day. She felt that they were missing this connection. I advised her to let him know, to tell him this was an important part of building their relationship. The problem could be that it isn’t part of his nature to just call without a purpose, and that he was unaware of her needs. Unfortunately, my client said, “If he doesn’t know, I’m not going to tell him!” She never got to see if he was capable of honoring her request. It seemed like a simple thing to ask for, so why was she unwilling?

In my experience, besides not knowing what you want/need, the other reasons usually boil down to conditioning and/or fear and past trauma.

Many people don’t know that they can ask for what they want; that they should set standards, boundaries, and expectations. 

Society and culture can condition us to believe that we need to just get along, not make a fuss, don’t be needy, don’t be a wuss. That holding out for what you want and need is too demanding, over the top, or too high-maintenance. And often the people in our lives reinforce these ideas with statements like “you’re too picky”, “you’re never satisfied”, or “why can’t you just settle down”.  Yes, people who are afraid to love or who have commitment issues may find, what seems to be, trivial reasons to dismiss anyone who gets too close. This is different, this is bigger.

Historically, women have been conditioned to put other people’s needs before their own. While our current cultural growth in America seems to be moving away from this, it’s still the default for many single women. Asking for what you want and being willing to wait for it is an uncomfortable switch to make if you’ve spent your whole life as a people pleaser. 

Men have been told to be tough, assertive, and to go for what they want. And while it’s generally been more acceptable for them to say what they want, asking for what they “need” feels like something else entirely. They’ve been conditioned to provide, protect, and endure. Being vulnerable enough to share what they need for relational happiness can be a big hurdle for men.

You’ve got to be willing to dismiss the lie that “good women don’t ask” and “strong men don’t need.”

Once you overcome your conditioning, it’s time to deal with your fears. 

Fear of missing out, fear of getting hurt again, fear of hearing “no” or being rejected, fear of making a bad choice; whatever your fear is, it’s a paralyzing, double-edged sword. Fear can keep you from going after what you want, never enjoying a life of love and fulfillment. Yet, it will also keep you stuck in a dead-end relationship, full of disappointment and heartache.  

The first place you need to deal with these fears is before you even start dating. Self-awareness and understanding your values and must-haves, etc., is essential to being able to ask for what you want. And many times these fears are no longer serving you, and just holding you back. 

Many people are terrified that if they are too narrow in what they say they are looking for, they’ll never find anyone. You fear no one will respond to your online profile, or that people might be turned off if they think you want to get married or start a family. But being willing to clearly communicate what you are looking for and what you need is more important than getting lots of attention or matches. The key to finding a loving, lasting relationship quickly isn’t about finding just anyone. It’s finding the right someone!

The second place that you might need to overcome your fear of asking for what you want is in your current relationship. If you are in a relationship that is lacking, you have to look at yourself and ask, “What is keeping me from asking my partner for what I need, or even, what they need?”. 

This can be scary for a lot of reasons: 

• Do I feel safe enough in this relationship that my request will be heard?
• Will they be offended or hurt by what I ask for?
• Will I be criticized or blamed for my needs?
• Am I overreacting or being too needy? 
• Will my partner leave me when I express these needs?
• What if the question reveals something neither of us can give?

It’s true, this process is daunting. The relationship has to be safe enough that your requests will be heard with openness and love. You have to be able to articulate what you want in a way that doesn’t blame your partner. You have to be willing to listen if there are questions or concerns in the areas where your partner needs to step up. And, and here’s the biggie, you have to be willing to lose.

If either of your needs can’t be met, or either of you has to settle, endure, or compromise completely, it might signal that this is not the lasting love you were hoping for. The longer you remain in a relationship that is struggling, the longer you are putting off finding lasting love. 

So, once you know what you want/need, how do you ask for it?

If you are online dating (and you know I think you should be if you want to find love more quickly), you need to put these details in your dating profile. 

What is your purpose for dating? If you want marriage and family, say so. If you want to travel and adventure with someone special, share that. A successful online dating profile gives people a window into who you truly are and what makes you, you. So be authentic, descriptive, and share those must-haves that are important to you. 

Just steer clear of demanding or critical language like actually saying “must be…” or “can not be…”, “don’t bother if…”. While the truth is you want them to match your must-be/must-haves, you don’t want to be a jerk about it. 

When asking for what you want in an existing relationship, you have to be careful and kind. Here are some Dos and Don’ts for this conversation:

• DON’T bring it up when you are already in the middle of an argument. Even if the argument is related. Anger is not the time for you to be lobbing additional frustrations.
• DO find a time to talk when you are both naturally comfortable. Maybe it’s during dinner, or on a walk. Find a time you’re relaxed and calm. 
• DON’T initiate the conversation with “we have to talk”! That’s just terrifying. 
• DO use “I” and “Me” phrases. I know it sounds cliché, but it works for a reason. This isn’t about blame or what they’re not doing. It’s about what you want/need, and therefore, you have to take some responsibility for not letting them know how important it is to you. 
• DON’T argue. You’re putting yourself out there, and if you’re kind and honest, they should be able to listen and discuss. If they’re flatly unwilling to accommodate or participate in what you need, then that is about them, not you. You have your answer. 
• DO listen. They may at first be hurt or confused, especially if it feels very out of nowhere. Allow them to ask questions and pursue options that work for both of you. 

If Julie had been willing, here’s an example of how she might have handled the conversation: 

“I love that you initiate dates with me. I feel special when you do. Although I’ve noticed that we may have different expectations in how often we communicate. I enjoy just talking to you, even when there’s no real purpose. It makes me feel cared about and more connected to you. I want you to know that it was okay to call just to talk or to ‘check in’. I’d actually love it if we did this more. Is that something you would be comfortable with?”

Understand, there are some conversations, some asks, that may not go your way. 

And at that point, you have to decide if what you need is a deal-breaker or not. Is your ask something that is causing, or will cause, you unhappiness? Will you come to resent your partner for not meeting this need? Is this need something they are even capable of providing? 

If you want children and a family, and your partner is telling you they don’t, believe them. Don’t wait around and hope they will change their mind. That’s not fair to either of you.  

The longer you compromise on the things that really matter to you, hoping they’ll come around, the longer you delay true love and happiness, or you both. 

It’s ok to ask for what you want!

Maybe it’s a little thing that will help you feel loved, like taking dance lessons together or a daily phone call. Maybe it’s a big thing like commitment or family. Either way, if you want to improve your relationship skills, if you want to find lasting love, you can’t expect anyone to read your mind. You need to ask. Put it out there. Yes, sometimes it hurts to ask. But it’s better to know you’ve done all you can, than to hope and wonder what could have been. 

And if you need a little help with your asks, reach out. Maybe you are having a hard time identifying your relationship values and must-haves. Maybe you aren’t sure if your partner is willing to listen. Either way, having a relationship coach on your side might be just what you need to get to the next step in finding true and lasting love. Go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/ and let’s find a time to talk!