If you’re dating for lasting love or are looking to find a marriage partner, you’ve likely asked yourself, “What do I want in a partner?”  It is important to have a vision for your ideal partner, to know your relationship values, and be able to gauge whether a match or a date measures up.  But equally important is to consider whether YOU are a good partner!

We can get so focused on looking at others, and measuring their potential, that we can forget to look at ourselves and make sure we possess the qualities that foster healthy, happy relationships.

Whether you’re just getting started on your journey for a life partner, or you’re already in a relationship, now is a great time to look inward and become the best companion for your future Mr./Mrs. Right!

Here are 7 Qualities that can be found in a good spouse or life partner:

1. Playfulness: Are you open to having fun, and can you be playful and light-hearted?

While we often call committed relationships “serious relationships”, you need to be able to enjoy your partner.  You should be able to laugh, be silly, or whimsical. Ideally, you’ll find that you and your ideal match have similar senses of humor.

Another question to ask yourself is, “Does my sense of humor allow me to laugh at myself?”

If you’re easily offended, you might consider working on that. Nobody wants to feel like they’re walking on eggshells with their partner. Especially when they intend to be playful and fun.

2. Listening and Understanding: Do you make your partner feel heard, understood, and cared for?

Whether your partner is just sharing the details of their day, making random observations, or expressing a problem, can they trust you to actually listen and hear them?

Do you tend to ignore random observations because they feel trivial or unimportant?
When your partner presents a problem, do you tend to look for solutions rather than just listening and sympathizing with them?
Can you enjoy just discussing the days events with your partner and appreciate how they’re feeling?

We all want to feel seen and understood, in the good, the bad, and the mundane. We want our thoughts, opinions, and concerns to matter. And they should matter most to our partners.

3. Emotional Safety: Can your partner relax, be themselves, and feel safe with you?

When you have found “the one,” there is a feeling of being “at home” with them. You can just relax, be yourself, and exist. You just fit together and feel safe with one another.

No one is perfect, and no one wants to feel like they have to wear a mask with their partners. We just want to be ourselves, whether that’s in appearance, behavior, or personality.

So ask yourself: do you tend to look to improve your partner, or are you comfortable allowing them to just be themselves? 
Do you find yourself internally critiquing others, thinking of how they could do or be better? 
Do phrases like “if only they would…” often pop into your mind? 

You will never be happy in a relationship if you’re constantly dissatisfied with the person you’ve committed your life to.

4. Support & Showing Up: Are you willing to step into your partner’s world and care about what matters to them?

Are you able to care about what they care about, even if it’s something you normally wouldn’t care about? 

It may be something recreational like your partner’s love of football, quilting, or bird watching. Are you willing to support their interest and even occasionally participate? 

Or maybe it’s something more vital, like caring about their family, supporting their career choices, or encouraging them in personal goals. Are you able to think about their needs in these areas and be supportive even if you find it hard to relate?

5. Choosing “We” Over “Me”: Can you make room for your partner and work toward what is best for both of you?

What is important here is to be working to find livable solutions for the “we” instead of only thinking what’s in it for “me”!

Sometimes this looks simply like being flexible if day-to-day plans have to change. Can you go with the flow? 

And sometimes this might mean compromising on something you want or were planning on, for the sake of the relationship. 

I’ve seen this in coaching again and again. A relationship stalls because one person behaves as if their wants or “needs” are more important than the other’s. They’re usually completely unaware of their “me, me, me” mindset, and their partner suffers by being the one to continually sacrifice or give up.

Ask yourself, do you expect to be catered to, or are you able to put aside your personal plans or desires in order to see your shared goals realized? 

Of course, if you’re the one always accommodating your partner, that may be an issue. And I would never advocate sacrificing your values or your morals for another.

6. Respect, Even in Disagreement:  When you do not see eye to eye, can you still respond with kindness and respect?

You and your spouse won’t always see eye-to-eye. Arguments will arise. So now is a good time to think about how you’ve handled disagreements in past relationships. Ask yourself if you have a pattern of handling them respectfully.

Do you see a disagreement as a battle to be won?
Do you have a history of making it personal and blame-shifting or attacking your partner?
Does your personal or family history involve long, loud arguments that seem to go nowhere?
Or do you avoid conflict at all costs because it makes you uncomfortable?

Or are you able to listen and hear your partner’s concerns with patience and respect?
Can you choose not to be offended by a different opinion and look for solutions instead of needing to be right?
Do you know how to use “I feel…” statements rather than “You…” statements?

Even if you have a history of not fighting fair or avoidance, you can learn to be better.

One tip is to listen without taking offense when someone is upset. Then restate back what you think you’re hearing so you can find a solution to move forward. “So what I’m hearing is that you feel frustrated and overlooked when I leave my things out.”

When your partner feels their frustrations are being heard and validated, they’re more likely to trust you. In turn, they will be better able to listen when you’re frustrated or your needs aren’t met. 

7. Appreciation and Gratitude: Do you regularly show your partner that you value and appreciate them?

A good partner not only shows appreciation often, but they also do it in a way that reflects their partner’s way of feeling appreciated, not their own. 

Some people enjoy being praised and acknowledged verbally. Others felt appreciated by actions, gifts, or physical gestures of love.

Knowing how your partner feels loved and acknowledged is just as important as actually feeling appreciation and gratitude.

One client I know feels valued when her husband takes care of the laundry. He knows she hates it, and she does so much for him. Another loves to be told how what he does matters to his wife. Your partner might prefer gifts, a foot rub after a long day, or your undivided attention.

If you want your relationship to go the distance, never stop appreciating one another. Even if you’re in a season where it feels like there is little to appreciate.

If you’re hoping to find lasting love, marriage, or a life partner, the journey starts with you!

Well, how did you do? Do you see areas you can grow? No relationship succeeds or fails because of one person. It takes two to tango, as they say.

So this list of qualities of a good partner should not only help you grow in your efforts, but should also be a standard for what to look for in your life partner. 

A word of warning: if you looked at this list and saw no areas for improvement, you’re probably not being honest with yourself. We all have areas where we can grow. 

On the flip side, if you feel like you have none of these qualities, I worry that you’re being too hard on yourself, or a past relationship was too hard on you. 

Either way, getting help from a licensed therapist or a relationship coach like me can go a long way in helping you overcome these hurdles so you can move forward in your pursuit of lasting love! 

As a coach, I help my clients get really clear about what they need and want in a partner in a very short time frame. My clients tell me that the coaching “takes a lot of the angst and guesswork out of dating for me”.  

Schedule a complimentary Meet Your Mate Strategy Session with me, and let’s talk. I can help you approach love with more clarity, confidence, and intention. 

About the Author

is a certified life coach and dating/relationship expert who has helped hundreds of marriage-minded singles find lasting, committed partnerships since 2005. Through private coaching and group programs, she specializes in helping people date with clarity, confidence, and purpose.