I recently had the pleasure to coach Cynthia, a beautiful, early 50s divorcée who had almost completely given up on finding love again. She is a well-educated, funny, highly independent woman who found that the men she had been matching with were either intimidated by her or had no respect for her accomplishments. Within her community, she already had to fight against the stereotype that there were no good men. But as more time passed, she began to believe this dating scarcity mindset. Before we met, she hadn’t been on a date for 3 years and genuinely believed that her dreams of lasting love and being part of a family were over. 

Does this perspective sound familiar in your dating life? The scarcity mindset in dating is a plague that my clients often struggle with. It’s the idea that there is no one left out there for you; that you are running out of time; that you have to settle for less than you desire or deserve; that you missed your chance at love.  

A Scarcity Mindset in Dating Creates a Vicious Cycle. 

These negative beliefs, self-doubt, insecurity, anxiety, etc., limit your ability to meet people with hope and positivity, making you less vibrant and attractive to potential partners. In turn, this lack of connection reinforces the mindset that there is no one out there for you. And the cycle keeps repeating itself with every new match, or lack thereof, with any correspondence, with every first date.

No wonder Cynthia gave up dating! When the scarcity belief sets the expectation for every experience and every experience seems to reinforce the belief, what hope is there? 

I wish this were the first time I’ve seen this happen. Unfortunately, it’s a common problem, especially for women. But even men can experience this problem of believing that, after a certain point in time, it’s too late and there is no one left for them. For both men & women, this perspective can lead to cynicism, hopelessness, isolation, and even depression. 

Scarcity Isn’t Reality

When it comes to finding lasting love, the dating scarcity mindset isn’t just damaging, it’s actually wrong! Finding a real, committed partner for life isn’t about the quantity of available partners. It never is! It is, and always will be, about finding the right “one”. 

There is a false idea in dating that more options, more contacts, more dates, means a greater likelihood of finding love. And popular dating advice reinforces this: 

• “Swipe as much as you can, don’t limit yourself.”
• “Don’t talk about what you want too soon.”
• “Don’t be too picky.”
• “Play it cool, don’t call or text back right away.”
• “Keep your options open.”
• “Don’t come on too strong.”

These popular dating “tips” feed the fear of scarcity by warning singles that if they’re too upfront about their needs or goals, they’ll come across as needy, clingy, or desperate.  But if you’re out there looking for lasting love and dating with serious intention, this is where quality over quantity truly wins. 

Lead With Your Core Relationship Values & Goals

Cynthia was hesitant to start dating again, but she really didn’t want to live the rest of her life alone. So after a couple of years of watching my stuff and participating in a workshop here or there, she finally committed to my group coaching program, “Meet Your Mate This Year”, as well as individual coaching. 

“Amy and I ended up having a really great relationship, and I really liked her style. I liked how personable she was and how caring she was with people. I also liked the things that she was teaching, especially dealing with values.”

The key to switching from a scarcity mindset in dating is truly understanding who you are and all the amazing things you bring to the table, and then getting crystal clear on your core relationship values & goals.

Many of my clients find that, especially with online dating, they have been attracting the wrong kinds of people because they were communicating the wrong kinds of things. By keeping your dating profile vague as to your relationship intentions, values, and goals, and being open to as many partners as possible, you end up attracting anyone with a pulse. This method usually wastes lots of time and becomes increasingly frustrating and demoralizing for you!

Instead, you want your profile to reflect the vision of what you want to see in an ideal partner and relationship. If you value education & intelligence, like Cynthia, you want to communicate that. Do you expect to be married and start a family with someone? Are you adventurous and expect to explore and travel with your partner? Do you have specific desires regarding the faith or worldview of a partner? These are some of the kinds of ideals and values that need to be reflected in your online dating profile. 

Less Truly Is More 

Yes, being this specific will limit your choices. Because that’s the point! You don’t need more dating matches, but more qualified dating matches!

Cynthia got back online and reworked her online dating profiles to prioritize her relationship values and goals. Immediately, she not only received better matches, but she began looking at men’s profiles with a better eye. She knew what she was looking for and didn’t waver on if someone could be a good fit. They either matched what she was looking for or she moved on. 

Quickly, she met Joseph, a single father of five, mostly grown, kids. She loves that he is so family-oriented. They have a shared love of science and technology, and found that they actually have common associations within their community. Additionally, Joseph isn’t at all intimidated by Cynthia’s education or professional success. As a matter of fact, their mutual respect for one another in these areas is a huge green flag for the strength of their relationship. They quickly realized they wanted the same things out of life. And even though they’ve only been dating for 7 months, they have begun making plans for their future together. 

“Life for me right now is absolutely amazing. It’s a true partnership because of those core values that he and I share. And that’s what we pretty much keep a watch on now, just making sure that we still continue with those values, and we ask each other questions all the time. He wants to know more about me, and I wanna know more about him. And that’s how we’ve been able to do it.”

Choosing Abundance Over a Scarcity Mindset in Dating

The first step is to acknowledge those little gremlins that have kept you from finding true love. Like those limiting beliefs that you aren’t enough or that there are no good men/women left. The fear of rejection or being hurt yet again.

Then rewrite the script. Know who you are, what you want, and what type of man/woman is able to match with both. And don’t be afraid to communicate that! Don’t pursue matches that don’t align with what you are looking for (no matter how good their profile photo looks!).

Cynthia’s story should be an encouragement to you that there is love out there, even if you have given up, and at any age! 

When you believe in yourself, get clear on your values, and lead with your relationship goals, everything changes. You don’t need endless options, just the right fit. And when you show up with confidence and clarity, those matches you’ve aligned with will see you more easily too. 

The truth is, love isn’t scarce when you know what you’re looking for and how to communicate it. And if you need help figuring out what that looks like for you, reach out. I’ve got workshops, group coaching, and even one-on-one coaching. Let’s set up a complimentary discovery call to see which options will best help you find lasting love! Go to https://motivatedtomarry.com/connect-with-coach-amy/ and let’s get started today. 

Like Cynthia, you can step out of fear and into the abundant and loving relationship you’ve been waiting for.

How do you know if you are truly “ready” for a true love partner?
Take my NEW “Are You Ready to Meet Your Mate? Quiz” to discover if you have the skills and knowledge you need to take advantage of a love connection that presents itself to you!