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#202 Neptune Lttr
Denny Hatch -- Direct Mail Expert Denny Hatch -- Direct Mail Expert
For Immediate Release:
Dateline: Philadelphia, PA
Wednesday, April 3, 2024


#202 Blog Post  —  Wednesday,  3 April 2024


Posted by Denny Hatch 


     The Tale of This Eerie Dreary Letter and
      How It Morphed into a Barrel of Boffo Laffs!


                Dear Margaret:


             For over 50 years Neptune Cremation Service and its affiliateshave 
               been recognized as the largest and most trusted cremation provider in
                theUnited States. We provide simple cremation at an affordable price
               without any of the unnecessary services many people don't want.


               We want to makesure that we are reaching you, so if you want to
               know more about the benefits of cremation please complete the
               information below and we will deliver to you the latest version of our
               cremation answer book.






       (Detach and Mail)

        [End of entire 86-word anonymous sales letter to Peggy
        on cheap blank white printer paperwith no letterhead nor
        sender's name. Corporate address Milmont Park in
        Pennsylvania (the state where we live) is buried on
        backside of little letter.
Company web address (above right)
        for some strange reason will land you Happy Valley, 
        Oregon. No Sender's Signature at letter's close. Mailed in
        a handsome hand-typed vellum envelope with a Business
        Reply Envelope (BRE). No brochure. Nuttin' else.]


Okay. I had a lede for a quirky new blogpost. Where to next?


Over the years I’ve written a gazillionarticles, columns, checklists, blog posts plus delivered lectures that added to my proventechniques, rules and how-to’s for creating powerful letters, emails and adcopy. The idea of doing another of these tedious suckers bored the hell out of me — and also most likely you,the reader.

Plus... I’m 88. Cremation ain't a subject Ilike to think about.  :)

Then It Hit Me — I Remembered The Rolls-Royceof Burials!

Many years ago somebody came up with the wacky scheme that you or your deceased loved one might like sleeping in acasket with music playing forever and ever. Am I nuts? Did I remember the idea correctly?


I Googled “coffins play music for eternity” and BINGO!


Uppopped a slew of merchants and craftsmen selling $20,000 to $30,000 coffins with interior Surround Sound Music. Included are the highest-tech grave markers with solar panels that enable the living to change the music from any place on earth or in space forever. Below is the first of multiple entries:

About 5,530,000 results (0.39 seconds)


Music To Die For(ever) In Your Casket With Surround Sound ...


Then Click on the Red-and-white
YouTube Arrow on the Casket.


 101.9 KING FM - LandonProduction
 Sep 5, 2013





Click on the Red-and-white YouTube Arrow on the Casket.

Watch This Dude for the Funniest, Wildest,
Strangest Video Sales Pitch You'll Ever See!

Iconfess. I find this performance such a hoot I'm not sure this is a legit website offering Surround Sound Coffins for sale.  Or is it an elaborate YouTube put-on?


Sellinga product or service on online or TV requires a world-class copywriter/pitchman. Have fun and learn from my two all time favorites.

              Billy Mays                               Ron Popeil


Takeaways to Consider

• "It’s not the cough that carries you off – it’s the coffinthey carry you
off in."
RobertLeland Taylor


Other memorable quotes by Robert Leland Taylor”

• "My air bag went off this morning. I told her to shut thehell up."


• "I may not agree with your position, but I will defend to thedeath your right to concede."


• "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like aduck, you’re probably in the wrong bathroom."


• "Just humor me, okay"


One Final Thought for an Article in the
Atlantic, a Sci-Fi Book or TV Series:

•If you could hack into and hijack the Surround Sound system in Donald Trump's final resting place, what would be your choice of discography for his eternal listening?  ;-) 



Word Count: 618


292pp     6" x 9"
Hardcover:     $39.95
Paperback:     $29.95
ebook/Kindle: $19.95



Barnes & Noble



At age 15, Denny Hatch—as a lowly apprentice—wrote his first news release for a Connecticut summer theater. To his astonishment it ran verbatim in The Middletown Press.He was instantly hooked on writing. After a two-year stint in the U.S. Army (1958-60), Denny had nine jobs in his first 12 years in business. He was fired from five of them and went on to save two businesses and start three others. One of his businesses—WHO’S MAILING WHAT! newsletterand archive service founded in 1984—revolutionized the science of how to measure the success of competitors’ direct mail. In the past 55 yearshe has been a book club director, magazine publisher, advertising copywriter/designer, editor, journalist and marketing consultant. He is the author of four published novels and seven books on business and marketing.


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