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#198 The Stork From Denny Hatch -- Direct Mail Expert
Denny Hatch -- Direct Mail Expert Denny Hatch -- Direct Mail Expert
For Immediate Release:
Dateline: Philadelphia, PA
Tuesday, January 2, 2024


 #198 The Stork - Tuesday, 2 January 2024


Posted by Denny Hatch


The Gloomiest News Cycles SinceWW2. A Remedy? Lotsa Laffs Guaranteed! R.S.V.P.


TheStork got lotsa laffs 46 years ago. Given the ongoing horrors and uncertaintiesin the current news cycles — state, national and world — fueled by the greedy media horny for ratings, I believe it may be a propitioustime to revive this ribald hoot.


The Dazzling News.
Forty-sixyears ago I wrote this totally wackadoodle novel in my spare time. It waspublished by William Morrow and immediately sold to the mov
ies. That was thelaunch of my thrilling three-month roller coaster ride! 


When mywonderful agent, Marvin Moss, called to tell me The Stork — hot off mytypewriter — had been sold to the movies I was catapulted into Seventh Heaven.It got better!

John Avildsen! Wow! Thistotally unknown young director had become an instant filmdom legend by winning the1977 Academy Award as Best Director for his very first movie: ROCKY. Avildsenbrought ROCKY in for just under $1 million and it generated $225 millionin world box office sales.


Book Critics Liked The Stork! 
Here’s the Very First of Many Reviews:

January 31, 1977

Denison Hatch. Morrow, $8.95
ISBN 0-688-03160-9

"In his mid-30’s, TimSmith gets fed up with the family business of breeding prize bulls and sets outon his own—in the field of human breeding. By luck, Tim chances on a society whose members are all “Descended fromthe Great”—from Napoleon to Oscar Wilde—and he starts selling noble ancestorsto childless couples through his frozen sperm bank. It’s a foolproof  “scientific” operation, with compatibility ofsperm confirmed by computer and insemination performed by the best gynecologists,and soon Tim and his partners are millionaires. Then the bubble bursts when theyoverreach themselves to enlist a supposed descendant of Jesus Christ as a spermdonor, when a mix-up of semen gives a bigoted impotent Senator a black son, anda Rockefeller last will and testament up for probate draws scores of hitherto unknownheirs. Hatch mixes fictional with real-life people indiscriminately in hisbreezy and entertaining story. One dictionary definition of “ribald” is “possessingrough convivial wit.” That’s Hatch for you. Some readers will find this a riot;others will not.
Universal has bought the film rights,  [April 4]"

Here’s my absolute favorite review by Ben Marble in the L.A. Times:

"Whensomeone named Denny Hatch writes a spoof called “The Stork (A Novel AboutBreeding),” the reader is entitled to know eggsactly what’s going on. Briefly,this: Tim Smith is 30ish, fed up with playing cupid at his father’sAberdeen-Angus stud farm and eager for a little pocket money—his tax-wise,curmudgeonly sire has all his possessions listed in the name of the farm, andalthough Tim drives a car any oil sheikh would admire, he rarely has much morethan parking-meter change in his Bill Blass suit. He decides to split, to makeit on his own as a consultant on human artificial insemination using aknowledge of genetics gained down on the farm.

"It’s abummer. All across the country gynecologists are content with the contributionsmade by their anonymous donors—mostly medical students in need of a fewdollars—and unanimously turn him down. Tim’s sophisticated computer datingsystem is designed to produce the perfectly matched-up zygote. The wholeprogram is bailed out by an opportune arrival—one Mike O’Shea, leprechaun-of-all-trades, who hits upon the supreme finishing touch to Tim’s human matingscheme: promising parents that their artificially induced offspring will bearthe genes of distinguished ancestors.

"O’Shea,that elegant elf who claims to know everyone who’s anybody, is to supply thedonors of pedigreed seed. Authenticity and effectiveness of the donations areguaranteed to each recipient. Theservice is confidential—only the parents know their little darling is abyproduct—several generations removed, of Napoleon (even Josephine)—andanonymity of recipients is stringently maintained.

"Withthe aid of a gynecologist who supplies professional respectability and plentyof persuasion, whose efforts are abetted by a field sales force that alsofunctions as an acquisitions team, Tim and Mike thrive mightily. The cash rollsin by the tens of millions. Can anything go wrong? Of course it can—everythingcan, and will. The pace quickens nicely at this point, and the resolution ofthe book’s many threads into one outrageous, coincidence-supported spermatic tterdämmerung isone of the thigh-slappingest scenes I have read in years. It is also grossbeyond words. But by this time the reader has either become toughened to theauthor’s raunchiness or put the book down, period.

"Afterall, a story whose central theme involves the onanism of various quadrupeds andbipeds can hardly maintain the tone of Little Women. So let us forgive theauthor his sins (after all, he’s probably willing to forgive us our sins—anybodywho’d have his dustcover picture taken with a parakeet on his head is in noposition to cast any first stones) and lean back for some hearty laughs. Thestory is certainly original and even though easy to find Comstockian faultwith, it has some wondrously funny scenes."
—End Ben Marble Review


The BadNews: The Stork Disappeared Without a Trace.
Forstarters the sale of The Stork to Universal Pictures was not a sale. It was asmall down payment (a.k.a. an option). It was low four figures (less 15% to myagent) which gave the fledgling Turman-Foster Company 60 days to come up with acontract and some serious investment money to get this project in the works. Otherprojects came up and Turman-Foster abandoned The Stork.

In addition,I was working my tail off as a mail order book club director and copywriter forBetter Homes & Gardens and Macmillan Publishers. I did not dare quit myfull-time jobs in Manhattan, because I needed the dough. My career came first.Alas, The Stork never flew.

In 2016 I rereadThe Stork and, yeah, it had a barrel of laffs. I self-published The Stork as ane-book on Amazon Kindle. It cost me nothing to have it preserved for sale toany and all. And thither it sat for six years.

Fast Forward to Tuesday, July 19,2022.
A Wake-up Call for DH from The New York Post

Elon Musk’s dad, 76, ready to donate sperm to 'high-class’ women: ‘Whynot?’
“Brace yourselves — a newgeneration of Elon Musks may soon be on the horizon.
     “TheTesla boss’s father, Errol Musk, has been asked to donate his sperm toseveral South American women — just days after he confirmed that he squired a secret second love child with his own stepdaughter.
“The lusty patriarch, 76, says his seed is currently coveted by acompany in Colombia because it contains the same genius genes that made theworld’s richest man...”

—AndrewCourt, The New York Post, July 19, 2022


HolySmoke! A Cockamamie Story Right Out of The Stork! 
Ithought there might be life in the old girl yet. But... Would 21stcentury American readers relate to this nutty 46-year-old story? I decided to investin some cheap publicity to see if The Stork would resonate with a newgeneration of readers a half century later.


Here’s a Current2022) Review of the Stork From the Online Book Club.
TheOnline Book Club is devoted entirely to e-books. It is huge – alleged to have fivemillion active members! E-mail a copy of your published e-book plus $90 andyou’ll get a review. I’ve sent in four books (including the current “MethodMarketing”), to see what happens. Absolutely no promise or guarantee of a goodreview. In the immortal words of Mark Twain: "You pays your money and youtakes you chances!”

What would amodern reviewer say about a 46-year-old war horse on the subject of artificialinsemination in people? Would The Stork fly?

OfficialReview from Online Book Club
28 OCT 2022, 07:12
By Ruth Omonegho


"Thesedays, there are cases of IVF [in vitro fertilization] where couples that can’tgenerally conceive because of an anomaly in the husband are given a chance tobe parents. Some people donate their sperm for this purpose, but few genuinelytake this as a regular means of generating revenue for themselves. However, ifyou, as a troubled parent, were offered the sperm of a descendant of a famousperson, let us say, Michael Jackson, what would you do? How much would you payto have the baby of Michael Jackson’s descendant?


"TheStork: A Comedy About Breeding People is the story of Tim Smith (TheStork), who, after helping his father in the business of selling sperm of bullsall over the world, decides to start a life of his own and takes his friend,Balthus Roosevelt (Bink), along to New York. During their brief stay in Spain,they meet a medical student who donates sperm for a living. After a briefdiscussion, Tim is motivated to start an artificial insemination business,leveraging the expertise of Dr Resnikow, who provides the facility and fundingfor their business (Delees Corporation). Starting up becomes so rough that theyalmost go bankrupt. To save their business, they must go the extra mile tosurpass their competitors. What do they do? How do they manage to get through?Grab this copy of the comedy and enjoy. 


"Rightoff the bat, I need to commend the expertise of Denny Hatch. This book is anold book that the author decided to bring back to life. It was once scheduledto go on screen, but unfortunately, it didn’t materialize. This book would havemade an excellent and hilarious movie. If, by chance, you are reading this andhave the capacity to make the author's dream come to life by connecting himwith someone who can produce this book into a movie, feel free to connect withhim. I forgot to mention that a true-life event inspired the story.


"Atfirst, I got confused at the beginning because I couldn’t place what or whoGlen Muir was. However, as I read on and realized what Glen was, I flowed intothe whole realm and enjoyed every bit of it. The author's descriptive powerbrought every page of the book to life. I couldn't get lost because it was so vivid.The characters are well developed so that you know the background of all thekey characters and can easily identify with them. 


"Myfavorite is Balthus Roosevelt. Even though the business is promising, his moralstandard still stands. However, he has gone so deep that it has becomedifficult for him to pull out. Even at that, he tried his best to stand by thetruth. Mike O'Shea, the Irish man, seems to be my funniest character. Hisintroduction brings a lot of comic relief to the whole plot. ‘You phonybastard’ is a phrase that makes him stand out from the rest of the characters.I was skeptical about him initially, and my skepticism was eventuallyjustified.


"Oneof the lessons that stood out for me is that just because your father orgrandfather is famous does not mean you can be as successful if you do not putin the effort. In fact, their fame, many times, causes a burden for theiroffspring. Another is, do not be gullible. Move back and run when you are toldsomething too good to be true. How on earth can anyone believe that JesusChrist has a descendant? As I said earlier, the author did a great job withthis book.


"Thereis nothing to dislike about this book. However, I found more than ten errorswhile reading, so I will rate this book 3 out of 4 stars. I implore theauthor to edit this book one more time.


"Irecommend this book to lovers of comedy and those who want to learn one or twothings regarding artificial insemination. I wish the author well on his missionto get a producer for this book. I would love to see it on the screen oneday." — Ruth Omonegho




A ModestProposal — 49% Ownership of The Stork.

I own all rights to The Stork. I don’t have an agent. I don’tknow any book publishers, movie makers or TV miniseries entrepreneurs. Are yousuch a person? Do you know anybody looking for a literary property to turn intomovie or miniseries? If so, let’s have some fun. If you can make this schemework, I am happy to assign half-ownership (49%) of all rights to TheStork (print, digital, film, TV, et al.).


Interested?Kindly Start Here.

Click below to receive a FREE SAMPLE of The Stork fromAmazon — the first 5 chapters (11,000+ words). No risk. No obligation.




If you are amused — and further intrigued by this oddballoffer — you are invited to order the Kindle edition. Your total upfrontinvestment to learn everything I know about this unusual property: $9.99.


P.S. If you forward this blog post to friends, family and/or colleagues — and itresults in a deal — you’re in for a handsome piece of the action.

Two Additional Reviews from 1977


Kirkus Reviews

February 15, 1977

Hatch, Denison


Morrow $8.95

4/4 LC: 76-46420

ISBN: 688-03160-9

 "Tim Smith is called “The Stork” because of hisleggy, bony, storky mien, but the nickname takes on new meaning when Tim leaveshis father’s cattle stud-farm empire and applies his unrivaled breedingknow-how to humans: a computerized sperm bank for the best in artificialinsemination. Unfortunately, even with the prestige of his reluctant partner’sname (Bink Roosevelt, supposedly an FDR grandson) and the expertise and dollarsof Dr. Resnikow (Central Park South’s top gynecologist), Tim’s operation is aflop. So, to stimulate business, Tim and Bink and Doc resolve to fill their “creamatorium”with a “Who’s Who of American sperm”—an easy proposition once Tim meets Tony Wildeas in Oscar), top honcho at S.A.D.D.O.G.  S.A.D.D.O.G.? Sons and Daughters Descended ofthe Great. Soon all those ne’er-do-well scionsare hooked up to the ACCU-JAC machine—encouraged by screenings of Marilyn Chambersand Linda Lovelace—and Tim’s menu promises everything from a third-generationHemingway ($37,000) to a sixteenth-generation Hans Holbein the Elder ($12,000).Business booms, but Bink’s ethics, a muckraking reporter (“This story is goingto do for me what Watergate did for Woodward and Bernstein!”), hints of forgedgenealogies, and one slight error (a Southern senator’s wife gets an AdamClayton Powell instead of a John Wesley Powell) precipitate a sticky, Day ofJudgment,” “notary pubic,” “El Seed”), Hatch unreels this fantasia withapproximately the right mix of slapstick, word-plan and documentary mock-seriousness.He also decorates the doings with so-many irreverent au-courancies that TheStork is already dated (Clay Felker plays an important role as New YorkMagazine editor), so this is not one for the ages, or even next year, but,for the moment and for all those interested in real people doing vaguely realthings, The Stork makes a lively enough delivery."






Richard Moses, Oakville P.L., Ontario Canada

"Fed up to his elbows with bulls, Tim Smith leaves the family stock breeding businessto apply his considerable knowledge and skill to humankind. Artificialinsemination is the name of the game; the demand is terrific, the moneyabundant, particularly after a gaggle of “famous descendants” agreed to donatethe required seed. The climax (sorry) comes when at one and the same time thelineage of Jesus Christ is “traced,” the gaggle turns out phony (tough the1000children therefrom produced have turned out splendidly—power of suggestion?),and the company beats a hasty retreat. Interesting points raised about human v.cattle breeding (the latter makes far more sense); overall, quite a provocativepremise is advanced. The text is larded with atrocious puns and far-fetchedheadings, but it all makes for enjoyable if sophisticated reading."



Word Count:  2649

292pp     6" x 9"
Hardcover:     $39.95
Paperback:     $29.95
ebook/Kindle: $19.95



Barnes & Noble



At age 15, Denny Hatch—as a lowly apprentice—wrote his first news release for a Connecticut summer theater. To his astonishment it ran verbatim in The Middletown Press.He was instantly hooked on writing. After a two-year stint in the U.S. Army (1958-60), Denny had nine jobs in his first 12 years in business. He was fired from five of them and went on to save two businesses and start three others. One of his businesses—WHO’S MAILING WHAT! newsletterand archive service founded in 1984—revolutionized the science of how to measure the success of competitors’ direct mail. In the past 55 yearshe has been a book club director, magazine publisher, advertising copywriter/designer, editor, journalist and marketing consultant. He is the author of four published novels and seven books on business and marketing.


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