Do first dates make you nervous? Does the idea of spending time with someone you barely know or maybe have never even met send you spiraling? I understand. Not only is this a common concern for my clients, but most people in general become apprehensive at the idea of a first date. It isn’t the same as just meeting someone randomly or making new friends. The optimist thinks “this person could be my person”, whereas someone less optimistic may worry that this person could be their last chance. Either way, a first date is filled with intention, hope, and expectation.

And yet, that’s one of the biggest problems: what is my date expecting? It can be a little nerve-wracking, especially if you haven’t dated in a while or are dating with the goal of marriage, like many who wonder if it’s too late for love. But the best way to understand your date’s expectations is simple: don’t assume, ask. Honest, curious communication goes a long way in establishing comfort and trust. I always felt more at ease when the men I dated expressed how they felt or asked me thoughtful questions. It helped us both relax and set the tone for something real.

So, what else should you keep in mind? Here are 10 of the most common first date questions and what you can realistically expect.

1. When & Where Should the First Date Happen?

Keep it simple and casual. A cozy coffee shop, a relaxed bookstore, or a place where you can take a short walk are all great options. Avoid fancy restaurants or loud events for your first date. You want to be able to talk, not shout over the music or stare silently at a stage.

And a first date doesn’t need to be long. In fact, keeping it to one or two hours max helps avoid awkward silences and keeps the experience light. Plus, a shorter date builds anticipation for the next one. Daytime dates or early evenings tend to feel more relaxed and lower pressure, especially if you’re both just getting back into the dating scene.

2. What Should I Wear?

Dress like yourself, but maybe the slightly more polished version of you. Choose something comfortable and appropriate for the setting, whether that’s jeans and a nice top or a casual dress/slacks. When you feel good in what you’re wearing, your confidence shows.

Looks might spark interest, but it’s personality that makes a connection stick. Put in a little effort, but don’t overdo it. The goal is to look like the best version of your authentic self, not someone your date won’t recognize next time.

 3. What Should We Talk About on a First Date?

Curiosity is key, and it’s ok to start with the obvious. Yes, you want to know what your date does for a living, what they’re into, and what they’ve experienced? But if the basics seem boring, ask more elaborate questions like “Is this job what you’ve always dreamed of doing? / What have you always dreamed of doing?”, “What is something about your childhood or hometown that is unique?”, or “What do you love doing on weekends?”. Keep the questions open-ended and look for follow-up question opportunities. 

Avoid topics that feel heavy or controversial. Politics, religion, and exes may be important, but they can wait! If you hit a lull, don’t panic. A little silence is okay! Take a sip, smile, and ask something thoughtful like, “What are some bucket-list experiences you’d like to try?”.

 4. Should I Talk About What I Want in a Relationship?

Yes, but keep it light. Don’t roll out your five-year relationship plan, but if you’re dating with the intention of finding lasting love, say so. Being upfront about your goals helps filter out those who aren’t on the same page.

One of the best first date expectations to carry is this: be honest, but not intense. Say something like, “I enjoy getting to know people who are looking for something meaningful too.” That’s enough to keep the door open for deeper conversations later.

 5. Is Romance Expected Right Away?

You don’t have to feel sparks to have a great first date. Some relationships build slowly and turn out to be the most solid. Chemistry doesn’t always strike like lightning. Realistic romance grows with emotional connection, mutual understanding, and security.

Should you kiss goodnight? Only if it feels natural and mutual. Don’t stress about it. If you’re unsure, a warm goodbye, maybe a hug, or a peck on the cheek, combined with a thank-you message later, can say just as much as a kiss. Avoid anything overly intimate on the first date. This is not the time to let sparks confuse your purpose: to find common ground and determine if you enjoy being with this person.

6. Who Should Pay on a First Date?

Traditionally, the person who initiates the date pays. But today, especially on a first date, many prefer to split. If you’re unsure, offer to contribute. It shows maturity and respect.

Dating and money can be confusing; however, open communication is the key. If you offer to pay or pay your part, and they decline, graciously accept. If they cover the bill, a genuine “thank you” and offering to cover the next time is a thoughtful gesture.

7. What Are Some Red Flags on a First Date?

Pay attention to how they treat others (especially service staff), how they inquire about who you are, whether they interrupt you constantly, or if they make you feel pressured. Love bombing- overly intense compliments, over-the-top gift giving,  and premature talk about being in love or promises of the future- is a big red flag in a new relationship.

If something feels off, trust your instincts. You don’t owe anyone your time, especially if you feel disrespected or unsafe. You can end the date kindly but firmly.

 8. What Are Some Green Flags on a First Date?

Your date listens well. They ask questions that show they want to know the real you. He/she is respectful of your boundaries. They make you feel comfortable and seen.

First date expectations aren’t about perfection; they’re about potential. If you leave the date feeling like you were valued and you had a good time, that’s a green flag.

9. Should I Follow Up After the First Date?

Yes, if you had a good time, say something! A quick text like, “Thanks again, had a great time getting to know you,” is enough. Don’t overthink it or play games.

If they’re interested, they’ll respond positively. If not, you can move forward knowing you were kind, honest, and clear.

10. What If I Don’t Hear From Them After the Date?

It stings, but silence is also a form of communication. If they don’t follow up, they may not have felt the same connection, and that’s okay. You deserve someone who shows interest clearly and follows through. 

Don’t waste time analyzing every move. And don’t give in to the temptation to try to regain their interest. The right person won’t leave you guessing, and it’s better to move on early than waste months or years on someone who just isn’t that into you. 

Final Tips…

If you’re dating with the intent to find lasting love, your first date expectations should center around curiosity, communication, and comfort. You’re not trying to find your forever person in one meeting; you’re simply seeing if this is someone worth getting to know better.

Don’t allow anxiety to rob you of a great first date. So show up as your real self. Ask honest questions. Listen more than you talk. And even if this date isn’t the one, you will have unlocked the key to enjoying the next first date and maybe, your last one ever!