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William Singer, this 56-year-old Needs Your Help
Greg Schwem -- America's Favorite Corporate Funnyman Greg Schwem -- America's Favorite Corporate Funnyman
For Immediate Release:
Dateline: Chicago , IL
Wednesday, March 27, 2019


William “Rick." Singer, I hope this column reaches you, as I’m not sure where you are. My guess is you are huddling with your lawyers, discussing your future life in prison now that you have pled guilty to masterminding the college admissions bribery scheme.

I am especially disgusted, as I have a daughter currently applying to colleges. She scored a (legitimate) 31 on her ACT, plays top-level volleyball (for real) and tutors academically challenged kids in her spare time. Hopefully her chances to gain admission into an elite academic institution will improve now that your despicable scheme has been exposed.

However, I understand why parents flocked to your company, Key Worldwide Foundation, and its services. Today, everything is about who you know and how to game the system, whether you’re applying to colleges, attempting to score tickets to a sold out concert or sporting event, or even getting a table in the hottest restaurants. Achieving any of these prizes on merit alone is the “front door." method. That’s what you called it when, the criminal complaint states, you were discussing your college admission schemes with parents willing to break the rules for their little privileged darlings. As someone who has waited over an hour for a restaurant table while later arriving patrons wink at the manager, and are promptly seated, I know the front door rarely works.

So, before you exchange your cushy Newport Beach office for a jail cell, maybe you can share the specifics of your methods with me. I’m not saying I’ll use them, but you never know.

For example, I have friends moving to these “active retirement." communities that are springing up all over the country. Some are so exclusive that admission requires approval from a board of directors. Any chance you could help me with my Photoshop skills? During your scheme, prosecutors allege, you photoshopped the heads of your clients’ kids onto the bodies of athletes, making it appear they played sports when, in reality, they had not. Prosecutors say college coaches then accepted bribes in return for designating these kids as athletic recruits.

So, Mr. Singer, I was wondering how easy it would be to photoshop my head onto the body of a famous “active senior,." just in case? Liam Neeson would be my first choice. If that looks weird, go with Harrison Ford. Please stay away from Nick Nolte, Gary Busey and Ed Asner. Also, my wife might need help with her altered photo. She’s requesting Jane Fonda or Christie Brinkley.

Now let’s talk about how you allegedly hired really smart individuals to take the ACTs and SATs for those not-so-smart kids of famous, wealthy and powerful parents. Suddenly, a 23 on the ACT became a 35, opening doors to schools like Harvard and Stanford. I’m not applying to college, but I am worried about the rising cost of medical insurance for people my age. In the past year alone, I’ve seen a foot specialist, a physical therapist and a retinal surgeon for maladies that have sent my premiums skyward. What I need is some buff, perfectly healthy senior to take a physical, posing as me. Ideally, he should neither smoke nor drink, run at least one marathon a year and be able to bench press his weight. Does anybody come to mind? Does Liam Neeson smoke?

Finally, once I take advantage of these “side door." methods you openly bragged about with parents, I need to make sure that, unlike you, my schemes never attract attention from authorities. The last thing I want is to be tossed out of the Pickleball club in that active retirement community I scammed my way into. Any advice? My retirement nest egg is modest at best, so I can’t continually grease the palms of those who voted me in based on my altered photos. I can only hope my neighbors will include other seniors who got in using illegal means.

Felicity Huffman, where are you planning to live in your old age?

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