Thursday, March 16, 2023
By Charles T. Pinck
Since our political system is incapable of solving big problems, I am running for President of the United States to solve small ones and make life less aggravating for Americans. My first act as President after being sworn in on January 20, 2025, will be to sign the following executive order.
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. The name of the United States will be changed to “AAAA United States” so that it appears first in drop-down menus.
Section 2. Compressed air will be free at all service stations.
Section 3. All power adapters must have the name of the device they power printed on them.
Section 4. The name “Philip” shall be spelled with one “l.” “Geoffrey” and “Jeffery” shall be spelled “Jeffrey.” The name “Elliot” shall be spelled with one “t.” Steven shall be spelled with a “v.”
Section 5. The only people who can be described as “rock stars” are actual rock stars. No one is permitted to claim they are “living the dream,” that anything “sounds like a plan,” or that “you’re the man.” No one can be described as a “badass.”
Section 6. Airlines must serve lids with coffee. All coffee stores must have two lines: one for people who know what they want and the other for everyone else.
Section 7. No one visiting a resort may wear a T-shirt from another resort.
Section 8. “Decorative” pillows, “accent” pillows, “prop-up” pillows, “throw” pillows, “boudoir” pillows, “wedge” pillows, and “husband” pillows (used to suffocate spouses) shall be referred to as “pillows.”
Section 9. A company may no longer inform callers that they must pay close attention because its options have recently been changed. Once a company has selected the options for people to select when they call, they cannot be changed.
Section 10. The following things are banned: smooth jazz, pumpkin spice, mocktails, and speed cameras.
Section 11. Twin beds shall be referred to as single beds. Full beds shall be referred to as double beds.
Section 12. No food product may have the words “smart” or “skinny” in their names.
Section 13. All passwords shall use the same @!$%-ing format.