The actor and writer Carrie Fisher once said that the saddest words in the English language are “What party?”

Ouch.

Feeling left out—excluded from the fun that everyone else seems to be having—is painful. Almost everyone will experience being the odd one out at some point.

But when your child is rejected, somehow it feels a thousand times worse than being left out yourself.

When you and your child learn that your child was not invited to a party, it might be tempting to call up the other parents and tell them how cruel their kid is. This is unlikely to be helpful.

Here are five ideas for how you can help your child cope:

1. Follow your child’s lead

Don’t assume your child is devastated by the lack of an invitation. The party child may be someone your child doesn’t know well or doesn’t like, which could minimize the importance of not being invited.

Definitely don’t express more upset than your child. That could send the message that your child should be more upset, or it could upstage your child’s distress by making it about you.

On the other hand, if your child is feeling upset, you could help wrap those feelings up in words, simply by acknowledging them. It feels good to be heard and understood! Keep the focus on your child’s feelings, not how terrible the other child is. You could say, “You’re feeling hurt that she didn’t invite you,” or “You felt mad when he bragged about the party in front of you, then didn't invite you.”

What if you sense your child is upset by the lack of an invitation but is putting on a brave face, saying it doesn’t matter, and refusing to talk about it? Don’t push your child to “admit” they’re feeling bad. Instead, offer the kind of comfort your child prefers. This might mean hugs and cuddles, just hanging out together, or doing an enjoyable activity together. Some extra loving from you can ease the sting of rejection.

2. Don’t assume malice

There are many possible reasons that could explain why your child was not invited. If the other child is usually kind, the lack of invitation probably wasn’t meant to be hurtful. Maybe it was a small party. Maybe it involved an activity the other child knows your child doesn’t enjoy. Maybe the other kid likes your child but doesn’t consider them a close friend. Maybe the other child thinks your kid isn’t interested in being friends. Considering these possibilities could help your child feel less hurt about being left out.

The other child has the right to invite–or not invite–whomever they want. If your child angrily confronts the party kid by saying something like, “You’re so mean! Why didn’t you invite me?!” the response is unlikely to be positive.

On the other hand, if your child is close to the party kid, it might help to use an “I” statement to discuss the issue. “I felt hurt when I wasn’t invited” might prompt reassurance or clarification.

What if kids discuss the party in front of your child? A pleasant but nonconfrontational “That sounds fun” could help your child ease past a tense moment and leave the door open for future invitations.

3. Consider your child’s role

At some point—not when the rejection is fresh!—it may be helpful to consider whether your child might have contributed in some way to not getting invited. Everyone makes social mistakes sometimes, but if your child is often overlooked or excluded, figuring out what they might be doing that peers find off-putting, and what they could do instead, could be empowering.

Perhaps your child tends to withdraw around peers. Maybe your child often argues, tattles, or criticizes other kids. Maybe your child acts silly and annoys classmates. Paying attention to how others react can provide clues to when your child needs to shift what they’re doing.

Tread carefully and gently to avoid hurting your child’s feelings. Ask more than you tell, so the observations come out of your child’s lips. Focus on actions, not personality. Acknowledge how difficult it can be to get along with (certain) people. Frame the problem as giving others a chance to get to know the great kid you know and love.

4. Fan the flames of this or other friendships

If your child likes the party child and they have interests in common, it may make sense to try to deepen that friendship. Alternatively, your child could seek other possible friends who may be a better match.

Your child could make a point of being warm and friendly toward the party kid or others and talking or playing with them. Sincere compliments, genuine interest, or small acts of kindness can also signal liking. Inviting a friend for a one-on-one get-together is a great way to deepen a friendship.

5. Get the party started

Your child might also want to consider hosting a party instead of waiting for an invitation. Plan activities to minimize any initial awkwardness. Decorating cookies, running in a sprinkler, playing games, doing crafts, or attacking each other with silly string are possibilities. If they have a good time at your child’s party, other kids may be more likely to invite your child to theirs.

Nobody likes to feel left out, but your warmth and support can help your child learn that they’re strong enough to get through it.