When Care for an Elderly Parent Stops Working
Rethinking and reassessing care for elderly parents can be a struggle that consumes a caregiver’s thoughts when care needs or responsibilities become impractical, unsustainable, or too risky.
- What if an elderly parent with memory loss is no longer safe living at home alone?
- What if Mom or Dad with Parkinson’s Disease keeps falling and injuring themselves?
- What if Dad keeps having one car accident after another? Is it time to take away the car keys?
These are heartbreaking situations when no choice is ideal that can be identified early so that family caregivers can begin proactive conversations with elderly parents to rethink, reassess, and adjust care strategies and plans. There are times when an elderly parent living at home is no longer possible.
While no one wants to admit that living independently is risky, changes in mental and physical health can necessitate a different plan of care for an elderly parent.
Signs for Caregivers That It’s Time to Talk About Care for Elderly Parents
Caregivers, are you:
- Struggling with the realization that the care you provide to help your elderly parents stay at home is no longer working?
- At a breaking point where you realize that you cannot keep doing more and more?
Realizing that a care situation no longer works or that you can no longer be the caregiver can be a breaking point in family caregiving relationships. Care for an elderly parent can be filled with fear, anxiety, worry, and doubt.
Worry can drain energy, optimism, and hope. But it does not have to be that way when caregivers realize they have a choice and an opportunity to rethink and reassess care for an elderly parent.
While there are societal, cultural, and family pressures, caregivers don’t have to give in to what other people think they should do.
Red Flags, Early Warning Signs, and Reality
Any one of the following can be an early warning sign that in-home care provided by a family caregiver or an outside agency managed by a family caregiver may require a reassessment and a revised plan.
It may be time to rethink where an elderly parent lives.- The family caregiver is exhausted, experiencing increasing health problems, is more irritable, not sleeping, experiencing headaches or stomachaches, lacks energy for self-care, cancels doctor, dentist, or other appointments due to care responsibilities, and is neglecting their family or work life.
- The financial costs of paying for in-home care are draining an elderly parent’s bank account.
- The personal, health, relational, and career costs to a family caregiver who moved in to care for an elderly parent in their home have become too great.
- An elderly parent is falling more often, forgetting to take medications, losing weight, and becoming physically weaker, which means Mom or Dad needs more hands-on care.
While many things can be done to manage health declines and care for an elderly parent, these actions can require a 100%-time commitment to offer support because an elderly parent or spouse who needs help can no longer help themselves.
Even though a family member might be willing to take on this task, how realistic is this commitment, and for what length of time? How will the tradeoffs the caregiver makes affect their health, well-being, and overall quality of life?
There are times when caregivers do too much. Most people can dedicate 100% of their time on a short-term basis, but in the long term, this level of devotion becomes impractical. For this reason, reassessing the care for an elderly parent’s situation and adjusting expectations is critical for the well-being of both individuals.
“But They Want to Stay Home”
As care needs increase, the “but they want to stay home” argument is no longer a viable option. This happens when the person who wants to stay home cannot live independently without a significant amount of help from a family member or from paid services. Additionally, when the cost of this assistance exceeds income and savings.
Caring for an elderly parent at home
can eventually become unsustainable from both personal care and financial perspectives.
Adult children often unintentionally set up this type of situation for the care of an elderly parent by being too helpful instead of allowing a parent to realize they cannot care for themselves.
Stepping back from offering care can be worrisome for a family caregiver who worries about an elderly parent experiencing harm due to a fall or inability to care for themselves. However, this may be the only option to allow an elderly parent to accept and realize that a daily living situation no longer works.
Not taking 100% responsibility for the care of another person is a wise choice, sometimes recognized too late.
How to Deal with Changing Elderly Care Needs
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Pamela’s YouTube ChannelReasons to Reassess Caregiving Relationships
Re-assessing caregiving relationships or any aspect of life on a regular basis is a process that can offer strength and confidence to make necessary changes that result in short- and long-term improvements. While seeing beyond the struggles of today may be challenging, taking action can help caregivers see that progress can be made.
If reassessing and adjusting plans is not a skill a caregiver has learned or used in life, then becoming more flexible and adaptable can be a learning curve. Why not be proactive, positive, hopeful, and confident about a care situation, rather than being overwhelmed by constant work and worry?
Choose practicality over anxiety
If a caregiver is in a lopsided care situation where the
time devoted negatively impacts health and well-being, this situation will eventually be harmful to the caregiver and their family. Care for an elderly parent can be less stressful when caregivers devote time and effort to managing expectations and reassessing ongoing situations.
Let’s start by defining what re-assessing a caregiving or any situation means. Reassessing means reviewing a situation to determine if a decision or process needs to be adjusted due to new information or a change in circumstances.
For example, let’s say a caregiver makes a decision based on facts 1, 2, and 3, but then something changes and the information used to make the decision becomes inaccurate or impractical. Or, perhaps in the case of care for an elderly parent, their physical or mental health has significantly changed.
These changing situations mean it is the perfect time to reassess and rethink the needs of the situation.
Plan 1, 3 5 Years Ahead
Ongoing change is why reassessing caregiving situations is critical for elderly family members far in advance of increasing needs – at least 1 to 3 to 5 years. The body and mind change with aging.
While there is much that can be done from a preventative standpoint around exercise, healthy eating, and healthy habits, something unexpected can always happen. So, it’s
best to be proactive instead of reactive so that life does not feel as if it is constantly spiraling out of control.
Reassessing also means resetting expectations between caregivers and care receivers. Agree to reassess situations quarterly, semiannually, or annually around care for an elderly parent.
When family members – the caregiver and the care receiver agree that ongoing reassessments will be scheduled, unintentional harm to both individuals can be reduced.
Consider the Effects of Tradeoffs
So let’s talk about changing situations that benefit from reassessing and the difficulties associated with accepting these changes, readjusting, and replanning.
When tradeoffs for the caregiver become too great, it’s time to reassess. A tradeoff means a caregiver is devoting more time to A versus B, C, or D. And by doing this, B, C, or D suffer harm.
For example, trading time to care for an elderly parent can result in a caregiver neglecting their own health, well-being, career, or relationships. This can lead to potential harm in areas such as marriage, child-rearing, earning and saving money, and retirement planning. There can be a point
when being a caregiver takes over all other parts of life. Care Privileges
If a family is financially wealthy or makes a good income, these tradeoffs may be less noticeable because the family has resources for “care privileges.”
Having care privileges means paying others to care for a spouse or an elderly parent, clean house, do laundry, cook meals, grocery shop, pick kids up from school, run errands, and so on.
Not everyone has the excess financial resources to pay for care privileges. For those who do, even to a small degree, these extras or privileges become difficult to trade or give up.
Let’s relate care privileges to an elderly parent who lives in a lovely home. Over time, one or both elderly adults may no longer be able to maintain the home, so they hire lawn care, gardeners, housekeepers, a cook, errand runners, and transportation services.
But eventually, even with these services, an elderly parent may need more personal assistance, and property matters may be neglected. So, as a matter of practicality, the home is sold for an easier-to-manage or more livable environment.
Previously, elderly parents often enjoyed extras such as vacations, activities, hobbies, or other luxuries that went beyond basic needs. Today, because of health problems and health expenses, these extras must be given up or traded to pay for health care and health expenses.
Loss of Control Results from Unexpected Changes
Like caregivers who make tradeoffs in the time they devote to care, older adults face non-negotiable tradeoffs that result in a
loss of control over their lives due to unplanned or unexpected circumstances.
These changes can be challenging to accept and may result in the resistance often seen by adult children when a spouse or elderly parent struggles to reassess their life, accept, and adjust to change. In many situations, accepting change requires reassessing necessities versus things that are nice to have.
Mentally adjusting to this new reality and managing through the associated change can be difficult. This is why caring for an elderly parent becomes increasingly stressful as care needs and expectations grow.
Adjusting to a Different Lifestyle
This idea of adjusting does not only apply to older adults with health problems; it can apply at any time of life. For example, a person loses their job, has no income, and must live off their savings indefinitely. Participating in activities or purchasing items that are not necessities stops.
Even when a person loses a job and finds another job, they may earn less income. As a result, habits must change, and activities or things must be given up that are no longer affordable.
Adjusting to a different lifestyle can also relate to poor health or unexpected injuries. Let’s say an individual has been physically active all of their life. They experience an unexpected physical injury and are unable to perform the same type of activity.
Running, hiking, skiing, golfing, or playing tennis may cease to be social activities. Instead, the individual must find a new group of companions to participate in the activities they can now do.
These changes represent significant life and lifestyle adjustments. Throwing a tantrum for a day or two may initially be the only way to express an objection, even if objecting to change makes no difference. Then it’s time to
figure out how to positively adjust to the change. For persons of all ages, talking about rethinking, reassessing, and replanning is difficult. Giving up control or the extras or privileges that once existed can be a grief-filled experience.
Moving from Care in the Home to a Different Plan
So, how do caregivers and care receivers move from in-home care no longer working to another plan? As previously mentioned, identifying risks or red flags is the first step to initiating a reassessment discussion. For example,
- If your spouse or elderly parent does less today than they did three or six months ago, and it’s unlikely that, through their efforts, they will return to their prior level of daily activity or physical functioning.
- If your parent begins taking more medications or sees a doctor or healthcare professional who expresses concerns about their ability to care for themselves.
- If requests for your assistance and the time you devote to caring for an elderly parent increase.
- If your parent is hospitalized and goes to a nursing home for rehab.
Care for Elderly Parent Discussion Starters
Starting these discussions can be challenging. Take the utmost care to be patient, empathetic, and understanding of the stress and struggle faced by elderly loved ones. Imagine having this conversation with yourself.
Noticing when an elderly parent’s health is going downhill and having a compassionate conversation is possible. It may be necessary to make multiple attempts to discuss changing a care situation so the topic does not become overwhelming.
Everyone copes with and manages changes differently.
- Mom or Dad, it seems based on XYZ that your health needs are increasing, and you need more help. What is your plan to receive more care without me being the one to provide it?
- Another discussion can revolve around money. Mom or dad, because of your health and care needs, it seems like your expenses will increase. Do you have sufficient funds to pay for care, or is it time to investigate Medicaid?
By rethinking elderly care for aging parents, caregivers can be proactive in supporting thoughtful decisions about the next steps for loved ones who can no longer live independently at home.
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