Every family faces difficult times at some point. Family stressors might include serious illness or injury, death of a loved one, financial problems, unemployment, divorce, or relocation.

Our instinct to protect our kids from suffering might urge us to tell our kids as little as possible about upsetting events or circumstances. But children are magnets for emotions: They pick up on them, react to them and magnify them. If we’re feeling emotional about whatever is going on, chances are our kids will notice.

Questions to guide what you tell your kids about stressful times

So, what information should we share about difficult situations, so our kids understand but don’t feel overwhelmed? Of course, each child, family, and situation is different, but here are some questions that can help you figure out what to say to your kids.

1. What do (or will) they see?

Kids are paying attention. They're watching us. They're listening (even when we think they’re not). So, what are your children observing? What might stand out for them? We want to explain what they see. Otherwise, kids come up with their own explanations that may not be accurate and may be more frightening than the actual situation.

2. What do you know for sure?

Often, when we're going through difficult things, we have a lot of what-ifs or maybes, or concerns about possible things that could happen rattling around in our heads. Kids don't need to hear that. However, if we know some facts for sure, then it's a good idea to share those with them so that they can also understand what is happening.

3. What will change, and what will stay the same for the children?"

Kids are very concrete. They will want to know how their day-to-day life will be impacted by whatever changes your family is facing. Who will pick them up from school? Who will tuck them into bed?

You may want to make a two-column list describing what will change and what will stay the same to share with your child. Try to make the “stay the same” column longer because familiarity equals comfort.

Keep the conversation going

If your family is going through difficult times, you’ll probably need to have more than one conversation about it with your kids. Try to follow your children’s lead about how often or how long to discuss problems. If your kids ask you questions, try to answer honestly.

If your child seems nervous or irritable, you may want to ask, “What have you noticed?” or “What are you concerned about?” Your child’s concerns may relate to something you haven’t imagined. For instance, one time, when my family was moving, one of my kids thought that he would have to leave all of his toys and clothes. He felt relieved when I explained that we would carefully pack and bring every possession that mattered to him.

You may also need to clarify what’s an adult job and what’s a kid job. Sometimes, overly responsible children think they caused the big problems or that it’s their responsibility to solve everything.

Be careful not to over-confide

Sharing appropriate information with kids can help them feel more secure and better equipped to cope with difficult times. But as parents, we also need to be careful not to over-confide. Our kids are not the ones to offer us emotional support; it’s our job to support them. Ask yourself, “Am I telling this for their benefit or mine?”

For instance, in a divorce situation, it’s tempting to tell kids everything their other parent did wrong or to instruct them to carry messages to their other parent. But this feels extremely burdensome to children.

Stressful events and circumstances can be overwhelming for anyone. If you're struggling, find an adult to talk to. Confiding in a trusted friend, relative, or mental health professional can help you cope with whatever it is that you're going through, so you can be there for your kids.