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Trump Orders Hospitals to Submit COVID-19 Data to Chuck Woolery
From:
Preston Coleman --  Political Satirist Preston Coleman -- Political Satirist
For Immediate Release:
Dateline: Oxford , MD
Thursday, July 16, 2020

 

The Trump administration has ordered the nation’s hospitals to cease submitting data concerning COVID-19 to the Centers for Disease Control.

Instead, President Trump will now require all information related to the worsening pandemic to be submitted to former television game show host Chuck Woolery, best known for his work on Wheel of Fortune from 1975-1981.

Questioned on the wisdom of putting a game show host in charge of such a complex and vital database, Mr. Trump said, “Well that show, that Wheel of Fortune, it was a really good show, okay? And it was all about numbers, really big numbers, and it was very successful, it was fantastic, just like The Apprentice, that’s what people are telling me.”

Trump had previously retweeted Woolery’s accusation that, in an attempt to damage the economy and the president’s re-election, “Everyone is lying. The CDC, Media, Democrats, Doctors.”

Woolery currently hosts a little-known conservative radio program, Save Us Chuck Woolery, which features right-wing conspiracy theories and is highly complimentary to Mr. Trump.

“Think about it, he’s got this show, Save Us Chuck Woolery, so he’s, like, the perfect guy to save us, right?” Trump insisted. “I mean, the perfect guy, it’s a no brainer, an absolute no brainer.”

Asked if making decisions in a dire public emergency based on the names of broadcasts was appropriate, Trump responded, “You bet your life.”

The president refused to answer a follow-up question: “Are you smarter than a fifth grader?”

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