By Marilyn Redmond 

My path to a better life brings new ideas andunderstandings for growing. Acknowledging that my life was desperate brought anew vision. Through many perils, I learned that self-honesty is the bestpolicy. I thought I was a great manager, keeping me safe from harm. The truthis that I was the walking dead, terrified, and looked anorexic. I had to comeout of my denial and fantasy.

My castle in the sky saw myself as a wonderfulperson, who was there for everyone. I took care of my family, taught school,went to church, and I worked in the family printing business on my off hoursfrom teaching. My real dreams were left in the dust. The toughest part for mewas to acknowledge that I have to change my mindset and behaviors of reactingfrom being a fear based person into responding in loving solutions. Realizingmy life was actually based in fear was life changing.

As I began my new journey into honesty, Idiscovered that I was a control freak. It is not my job to figure out the outcome.My motivation was not from love but survival and need. I moved from functioningin the problem to focusing on the solution.

Learning that walking in faith brings betterresults was a new idea for me. In addition, it was not my job to manage my life;allowing intuition to guide my next right indicated situation works well. I canI release my negative emotions, thinking, and responses, and replace them withmy new healthy ways of accepting conditions without judgments and criticisms; thenI feel better. Today, I do the necessary footwork for my part while leaving theresults to the universe. Amazingly, I found the outcome is better than I couldhave arranged.

It has taken several years to identify andrelease my old thinking, emotions, and reactions into trust, healthycommunications, and good feelings. The inner work has been worth it. After mydivorce and on my own, I could focus on me to create a new foundation for life.My book, Paradigm Busters, Reveal the Real You on Amazon, has the stepsI took.

Continuing on my path of fresh beginnings, Ifound I needed to make amends to those I had harmed. It was not my nature toharm a person. However, I needed to make a few amends and restitution toresolve my old actions and relationships. 

Moreover, I found my negative emotions did damageothers. I could not love my family if I were full of fear. Fear stops love. I wasnot that wonderful person because my optimistic emotions were blocked by pastharms and terror. When I cleared my side of the street, the world turned in anovel direction.

In meditation, I was told to treat myself likea princess, because I was the daughter of the King of Kings. I made a vow tomyself not to place myself in harmful situations, again. I cleaned out my oldemotions to clear my channel for extending real loving thoughts. In this innerwork, my feelings can move from my heart to others. I live my amends from abright place. Living my amends means that I send healthy energy and treatothers well.

I had always felt like a victim in my abusivemarriage. It took eighteen years after my divorce to feel my part in some ofour clashes in my domestic violent relationship. Surprisingly, I unwittingly participated;I was not the victim and he the bad person. In a realization, I found that I unintentionalwas defending myself from my past harms. To him it felt like I was as attackinghim akin to shooting him with a gun, but at a subconscious level. Inadvertently,I was invisibly attacking him. Others saw his observable reactions of defendinghimself as his attacking me. I got honest and realized I was the cause of manyconflicts. Sadly, this passive-aggressive game intensified over years.  

Owning my side of the difficulties brought theunderstanding that I was as much at fault. I could no longer make him out to bethe awful person. This was a huge admission. We were emotionally two littlechildren trying to make it in an adult world, but hurting each other in the process.Finally, I wrote him a letter of apology for my side of our troubles.

I continuously prayed for his well being andforgiveness. This served me well when, several years later, I was invited toour twin grandsons’ high school graduation. For the 48 hours of celebrationsand the ceremony, I was able to be around my ex-husband and not play thevictim. I stayed in my adult consciousness. I did not play the old game. Thiswas an enormous victory for me. I had matured. He had been my teacher to findthe real me.

I had not seen him after our divorce, exceptfor our grandchildren's’ graduation. When I was notified of his death, it upsetand touched me more than I would have guessed. My grief blind sighted me. Finally,I understood the damaging childhood that he had to play this part in my life. Today,I am glad that I had the courage to own up to my part of our difficulties. Ineeded to become forgiving, be in gratitude, find compassion, and haveunconditional love for him. In grieving, the past was left behind.

Surprisingly, I have grown beyond reactingfrom my past harms. In my prayers and meditations, I have thanked him. His partin my life brought me into adulthood. I now have empathy and a clean heart.Finally, I have peace and serenity. I am pleased to have a healthy life style today.My weakness became my strength; I am empowered. I learned this was my path foradulthood. My reward is that I am liberated to live in the “Now”.

Website,https://www.angelicasgifts.com/

Books: at https://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC

Barnes and Nobel https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Marilyn+Redmond?_requestid=16065424

Blog athttp://marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./

Lectures, interviews, and spiritualinformation on You Tube at https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=marilyn+redmond&page=1