Today is April 16th, which means you are a day late filing your income taxes and will have to pay a…wait, you're not late, our friend coronavirus has extended the deadline for taxes to May 17th. Woo hoo, now you don't have to worry about filling them out for another month, so put down the calculator and the receipts and forget about it for another month. It's the American way.

    Personally, I don't think we should have to pay any taxes this year. We didn't use 2020. We stayed home, wore masks, and watched Netflix so we didn't really need the government for anything. Therefore I think 2020 should be tax free. At least that's the way it would have been had I been elected president, #Dale4POTUS2024.

    My taxes are already filled out, but at least I had fun with them this year. Instead of using numbers on my form, I used all Roman numerals, let the IRS figure it out. This week's Funnies aren't hard to figure out, they are all about weird stuff happening in the new normal.

I GOT ACCEPTED!

    The University of Kentucky may have a housing problem when school resumes in the fall. This week they sent out 500,000 acceptance e-mails to high school seniors, some of whom never even applied to UK. The letters were sent out from the College of Health Sciences which usually accepts about three dozen students a year.

    The school apologized for the flood of acceptance e-mails and blamed the problem on a "technical issue." The term "technical issue" means they had a problem with their computers, so that tells me that if you really get accepted to the University of Kentucky, avoid majoring in computer science because obviously they don't have all of the bugs worked out yet.

HERE'S A GOOD IDEA

    Ball point pens have been around for a long time and many novelty versions have been invented. I remember having one that featured a woman in a bathing suit, and if you tilted it the right way, the bathing suit came off. This pen fascinated me and is one of the reasons I became a writer. Now, however, the novelty pen has been taken to a new level.

    A company in Japan produced a pen with a live parasitic worm inside. The worm is called an anisakis and is found in fish. If that fish is ingested by humans, severe gastrointestinal issues will follow. This is a very nasty worm, so why would anyone want to put a live one in a pen? The only possible reasons I can think of for buying this pen are 1) as a gift to someone you don't like, or 2) as a surefire method of stopping you from chewing on your pen. I prefer the lady in the bathing suit.

NO GUNS? NO PROBLEM

    Three men men in India this week were wanted for using monkeys to rob people. They would approach innocent citizens with their monkeys and demand money. They threatened to sic the monkeys on victims if they didn't pay up. And since nobody wants a monkey on their back, they wound up stealing a lot of money. 

    Two of the men were caught and put in jail but the third man is still on the loose. All of the monkeys were captured and placed in an animal rescue facility, where they will be rehabilitated and taught to be organ grinders' assistants.