Children of divorce are not little adults

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

When divorce enters the family dynamic. parents often forget that our children are processing their feelings with limited skills and emotional awareness. We all know the complexities of divorce can become an enormous challenge for adults. Imagine the ramifications on youngsters — or even teens.

Parenting after a divorce often comes with layers of distraction and confusion. That makes it even more important for us to be aware of how their children are responding to the divorce.

One common error parents make is misunderstanding the stage of development their children are at, which can lead to unrealistic expectations. Many parents assume that their child has a better handle on their emotions and a deeper understanding of human nature than is possible at their age. So when the child acts out or otherwise misbehaves, it’s easy to misconstrue their intentions.

Children can’t access adult reasoning or mindset

Parents mistakenly think of children as little adults who bring adult reasoning and comprehension to daily circumstances. With that mindset, it’s easy to get disappointed when our child’s behavior doesn’t live up to our expectations.

Give your kids a break. How unfair (and unrealistic) is it to expect your children to fully understand what their parents are going through and then respond with compassion?

Emotional maturity doesn’t fully develop until well into our twenties. Yet divorced parents frequently put the burden on their children to be empathic, understanding and disciplined. At the same time, they may be struggling to access those mature attributes themselves.

The consequences of misguided expectations for our teens

Parents can be especially misguided in their expectations about teens. By nature, teenagers are very self-absorbed. They don’t yet have the full capacity to put others’ needs ahead of their own. In addition, most teens are not very future-focused, nor are they motivated by lectures about consequences. Part of the parenting process is to role model positive traits and to demonstrate the advantages of setting goals, planning ahead for the future, etc. Are you the role model your child needs at this time?

Unrealistic parental expectations lead to needless conflicts with our teens. That can easily result in a sense of confusion, insecurity, guilt or shame within their fragile psyches. Why get angry at your teen for not displaying adult maturity at a time when your own maturity may certainly be in question?

Take the time to understand your children’s stages of emotional development as they grow. You will be less likely to make the mistake of confiding information they can’t psychologically handle. Or asking them to play the role of mediator, therapist, or personal spy. You’ll be more likely to have reasonable expectations for them. Most important of all, you’ll be less likely to feel disappointed when your child behaves as the child they still are!

 *     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents. To learn more about her personal online coaching services and many resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, go to: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.