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May Day edition - Dale Irvin's Friday Funnies
Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker
Chicago, IL
Thursday, April 29, 2021


Today is the last day of April which means tomorrow is May 1st, also known as May Day. May Day is a holiday to celebrate the festival of spring and is very popular throughout Europe but not so much here, and I want to know why. May Day is a fun party with Maypoles and ribbons and dancing and drinking, so why don't we celebrate it here? Since our current president is opening up our borders, I think we should accept the holidays they bring with them.

We already celebrate Cinco De Mayo so if we add May 1st as a holiday, we would potentially have an extra long holiday weekend. That's how it could be, #Dale4POTUS2024.

As a public service announcement, Mothers' Day is only a week away. Do not wait until the last minute to get your mother a gift or you will wind up with a card you bought at the gas station and flowers from the neighbor's yard. 'Nuff said. There is no need to go shopping for the weirdest stories in this week's news, they're already here in The Friday Funnies.


Have you ever wondered what they're going to do with you when you pass? Will you go in a casket, in an urn, frozen like Walt Disney? Now, your choices are greater than ever. The state of Washington has legalized human composting. Your body will be transformed into a rich nutrient for the soil so you can still grow tomatoes. Another company is taking composting a bit further in that they will put your composted corpse in a burlap bag with a sapling tree. You then plant the tree, bag and all, and your memory will live on…until you are used for firewood. I think I would like to be cremated when I go, and I'd like to have my ashes given to everybody who comes to the funeral. They would each get a small baggie with a spoonful of me to take home. If nobody comes to the funeral, I think my ashes should be kept in the car trunk in case anybody gets stuck on the ice. I'm a giver.


A 28 year old woman was arrested this week in St.Petersburg, Florida and charged with disorderly intoxication. She was found outside a bar on Central Avenue offering to give strangers lap dances. Apparently a Ladies night special. The police were called and tried to escort the woman to her nearby apartment but she yelled out profanities and kept asking the police if they wanted to bang on the sidewalk. Olivia Taylor-Wahek was arrested and said that she was in town to compete with other women to be on the cover of Maxim magazine. It has a $25,000 grand prize and she needs the money to pay off her student loan and her bar tab.


Police in Lower Bavaria, Germany were called to inspect what was thought to be a grenade found in the woods. When police arrived, they found the alleged grenade. It was actually a rubber sex toy. Now I know you're asking, a grenade sex toy? That's because we are used seeing the usual "pineapple" hand grenades in the movies, but in Germany, they use German grenades which look like a hammer handle with a soup can on top. Now it all makes sense. Either way, never use any explosive device as a sex toy. Just a word of wisdom from me to you

As The Professional Summarizer I add a new dimension to your next meeting - especially the virtual ones we all have now.

I listen to the entire meeting and pay attention to every detail. Then I report back to the audience on what they should have learned in the form of a comedy monologue.

What I did with this week's news I can do for your meeting.

News Media Interview Contact
Name: Dale Irvin
Title: Professional Summarizer
Dateline: Downers Grove, IL United States
Direct Phone: 630-235-2038
Cell Phone: 630-235-2038
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