Over the years, I learned to let go of past painfulluggage and future worries for a daily pleasant mood. Moving into the presentor “Now” is another way to say I am emotionally here at the time, and awake inmy life. To move out of the past trauma of the family that was passed onto mewas essential. I have almost died 13 times and wondered why all theseexperiences happened.

 I found that I carried the emotional trauma of my parentsand was defending myself by shutting down for protection against my beingkilled as they had experienced this threat growing up in their lives. I wasperpetuating my being killed. Like in the movie "Ground Hog Day", Ikept coming back. In my trying to protect myself through tightening my physicalbody was a way I unconsciously thought would save me.  Along with the conditioning through religionand the culture, I did not believe I was a worthy person.  

 Trying to compensate for being worthy, I became aworkaholic and overachiever to prove myself too worthy to be killed. This weekI went into burnout from all the work, I continue to do even in my older yearsway past retirement. This gave me time to meditate and receive the patterningof being threatened to be killed had actually attracted me to a marriage wherehe often tried to kill me.  At severalpoints giving up on myself, I tried suicide.                                                                                   

This means the work of releasing hurtful feelings and experiencesof the past brings me out of reacting from the harms of growing up and myfamily history passed on to me. When releasing fears and childhood falsebeliefs, there is room for my inner love to blossom. Freeing those thoughts andideas not aligned with love, created the space where love can expand. My lifegradually improved with self-searching, pray, and meditation. Growing beyondfears, past harms, and false beliefs is often called maturity or ChristConsciousness.

Now, facing life's challenges is possible. Life around meseems different. I am not seeing issues around me in the same perception. Theynever died and I have not died from the hostile occurrence. I now understand weare threatened with death through religion, medicine and other cultural lies. Oursoul never dies as shown in the movie. We keep coming back. We can release thelie for the truth of everlasting life like our Creator as a child of a caringuniverse.                                                              

 My new vision sees a bigger picture. It feels like I amnot being caught up in the drama of politics, religions, medicine, or family.It is a sense of being in the “eye of the hurricane”, where it is calm. Thewinds are blowing beyond me; however, they are not affecting me.

I first recognizedmy new experience at my fellow's family Christmas meal several years ago. Theywere his family and he would not miss their traditional Christmas morningbrunch. In the past, being around members of his family was uncomfortable. Itwas not an easy event for me. I was in a room of people where I was not part ofthe family; I felt out of place.

However, this year, I was present, feeling composed,pleasant, and calm instead of reacting to the drama as I had in the past. I didnot have the same negative feelings. Everything seemed neutral; however, theyhad not changed. It took me some time to realize it felt like serenity. Myissues were dissolved and gone. This new experience was pleasant, butunfamiliar. I had changed by not reacting to them. Could I do this with therest of my life? I found myself emotionally moved away from my conclusions ofthe past, to accepting each person as they are. I had moved into being current.

I know today that those situations outside of me are arepresentation of what I need to heal in me. This understanding formed a newme; I had been my own foe. I do not have to relive my parents or my oldnightmare anymore. Today, I have self-love. I do not need them to love me, takecare of me, or keep me from being lonely. I am worthy and was born valuable. Myinner spiritual awareness is alive and well, taking care of me better thananyone has ever in my past. . Finally, I am content with those around me andmyself.

"Live and let Live” is a slogan that I finallyunderstood. I release the anger and expectations from what went on before. Seeingthose who had been distressing to me in the past was providing me with anotherissue within myself to heal. Everyone is exactly where he or she is supposed tobe in his or her experience. Understanding that they are being themselves, andit is not my job to change them, is emerging in my life.” Later when oldemotional problems surfaced from my side of the family, I found I could placemyself in the calm center again. It comes from within andnot from reacting to those around me.

If I focus on what I am doing and send forgiveness, love, andaccept those around me, I am acting mature. This peace surpasses all understanding.I have now joined the realm of reality. I establish a conscious contact with myinner spirit to keep me in the present.

Surprisingly recently, Ifound myself in grief. Feeling grief is new to me. Letting go of the old me wasbringing up sorrow for the past leaving and dying. However, I like the idea ofmy previous feelings and difficulty leaving. The earlier issues are no longer aconcern. They are history and no longer relevant to my being present now. I amdetached from my earlier years of troubles, people, and situations. Living inthe moment is a gift and why it is called The Present. 

                                      Culture is about unworthiness  Life is about joy.

 Check out Marilyn's website,https://www.angelicasgifts.com/

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