Planning Ahead
How to plan through unexpected events can be a challenge for caregivers, persons diagnosed with a new health problem, or anyone who receives what they consider to be bad news. If you are new to caregiving, a surprise or an unexpected event likely led you to this new role.
If you have been a caregiver for someone or are caring for yourself, you may be familiar with the rollercoaster of unexpected events. Dealing with one thing after another can feel like life is an ongoing struggle that gets in the way of happiness, security, progress, contentment, peace, love, acceptance, stability, joy, and blessings.
Caregivers often feel exhausted.
If so, it may be time to consider taking five steps to plan through unexpected events impacting aging, health, and money. Plus, learn how denial, resistance, or refusal to change may be the key to identifying aspects of life that need attention.
No matter how big the problem might seem, there is a solution. In addition to this article, the video discusses a scenario related to money management, another scenario of unexpected news a caregiver faces when helping an elderly loved one navigate aging, health, and money concerns.
Caregiving: How to Deal With Unexpected News
Click the red arrow button in the picture below to watch the video.
Watch More Videos About Caregiving, Aging, and Health on
Pamela’s YouTube ChannelHow to Plan Through Unexpected Events
Unexpected events for caregivers arise when the phone rings, and the bad news is that mom or dad’s electricity was turned off, there was a flood in their home, mom or dad had a car accident, and grandma or grandpa fell down the stairs.
These events make the heart race and the mind move into emergency response mode. What can you do, how quickly can you get to the side of a loved one, and what can you do next?
The challenge with how to plan through unexpected events, especially related to aging and health, is that experience may not exist with a hip fracture, heart attack, cancer, or
dementia diagnosis.
Unexpected issues can call attention to a gap in experience that can unintentionally result in more problems if there is a lack of understanding of what to plan for.
Sometimes, a person can be too close to a problem to see any potential solutions, so the issue continues until it becomes a significant problem that cannot be ignored. At one time or another, everyone has been too close to a situation to realize there were other options or solutions.
Considerations of an Unexpected Heart Attack
Let’s use Dad having a heart attack as an example of how to plan through unexpected events. Dad has been relatively healthy all his life up until now.
He has not seen the doctor regularly. During his hospitalization, he was diagnosed with high cholesterol, high triglycerides, a higher-than-normal calcium score on an artery scan, and a high body mass.
Doctors caution that Dad is at greater likelihood of a stroke or another heart attack unless he loses weight, participates in daily physical activity, considers cardio rehab, changes his diet and stops smoking.
As a son or daughter who loves their father, all of this sounds reasonable, but you are unsure what your dad thinks about the doctor’s recommendations. Will Dad participate or ignore the doctor’s orders?
A 5-Step Process to Work Through Unexpected Events
While it is easy to want to swoop in to help and take over, the first step is to ask permission to help and to ask about how you can help. Asking permission shows respect for a family member or friend who has managed their life up until now.
I say up until now because for everyone—young or old—there will be a time when we may need the help of a family member, friend, or someone else. There will come a time when faced with an unfamiliar situation one is unsure how to manage. This state of uncertainty is the time to research or ask people with expertise who may have more experience on this topic.
Using the example of a father having a heart attack, let us look at a 5-step process for how to plan through unexpected events. A new health diagnosis, injury, or illness can cause a chain reaction related to aging, health, and money, just as problems with money can be rooted in health problems.
1 Be Curious and Respectful
The first step in planning through unexpected events is to be curious and respectful to understand the situation entirely. When a new health problem arises, the person with the problem can overwhelmed by the news and be mentally distracted that they miss important information.
Having a caregiver or a friend to provide support in unexpected situations can be helpful:
- Ask Dad what he understands about the heart attack
- For others, is there a clear understanding of the short- and long-term impact of the diagnosis on daily activities, for example, a hip fracture, cancer diagnosis, high cholesterol, or injury
- As a caregiver or a friend, can you explain the concern and the impact of the disease or illness
Get the facts
Discussions with doctors and healthcare personnel can be fact-finding missions. Take the same approach to discussions with loved ones.
While jumping to conclusions or worst-case scenarios may be natural, withhold judgment and listen. Ask more questions to close gaps in understanding a health diagnosis or unexpected event.
For example, specific to a heart attack or heart disease:
- How does being overweight impact heart function?
- What are the effects of high cholesterol or high triglycerides?
- How can making different food choices help a loved one feel better or increase energy?
- What is the meaning of a higher-than-normal calcium score on an artery scan?
- How can exercise or cardio rehab strengthen the body and reduce the likelihood of having another heart attack?
Balance emotions and worries until there is sufficient information to comprehend all aspects of the situation.
2 Identify the Problem
Look for an event’s cause or “why” to offer solutions. Remain curious, respectful, and kind.
Discussions about aging, health, or money with family members can be difficult, especially if a person is not attentive to their health, is not good at managing money, or struggles to have enough money to pay the bills.
The same applies to any area where an elderly person may need help, i.e., buying groceries, showering or bathing, managing health, and coordinating care with doctors. The list of examples can be long, so it is good to have a process for investigating unexpected situations.
In the example of a father having a heart attack, ask the doctor what factors might have led to the heart attack.
- Poor eating habits that translated to high cholesterol and triglyceride readings
- How clogged arteries impact the function of the heart
- Whether a family history of heart conditions relates to a high coronary calcium artery score
- How a lack of exercise or sedentary habits that negatively impact overall blood flow and circulation, heart health, overall physical health, and muscle strength
- How smoking impacts organs in the body and increases the risk of heart disease
3 Ask Why and How Questions
The next step in planning through unexpected events or any issue is to begin asking why and how.
When asking why and how questions, it is best to be kind and considerate. Depending on where a person was born, their culture, and the lifestyle of the people they spend time with, there may have been a lack of education about healthy habits.
Asking why and how questions can make loved ones feel as if they should have been aware of how lifestyle habits affect their health. For example, in the 1960’s and before, tobacco company advertising enticed consumers to smoke cigarettes.
These lifelong smokers who were later diagnosed with lung cancer or heart disease had no idea at the time that they were doing anything to harm their health. It was not until years later that the Surgeon General confirmed the risks of smoking.
The 1964 Surgeon General Report on Smoking
Before the
Surgeon General’s Report of 1964, smoking cigarettes was portrayed positively in advertisements from RJR Reynolds archived by the
Smithsonian Institute.
Many of these advertisements featured doctors and nurses smoking cigarettes in a campaign called “30-Day Smoking Test – Doctors, Dentists, Nurses Smoking.”
According to the report, “The years from the early teens to the age of 20 [were identified] as a significant period during which a majority of later life smokers began to develop the active habit. Smoking patterns among children could be influenced by their parents’ smoking patterns.”
Considering smoking and heart-related concerns, what is Dad willing and able to do?
- Stop buying fast food and reduce consumption of fried foods and foods high in sugar and fat.
- Begin an exercise program or attend cardio rehab?
- Join a smoking cessation group or stop smoking on his own?
Doing all of these at once may not be possible. If Dad is motivated to make a change, what single action can have the greatest impact?
The why and how of motivation to change
For anyone interested in improving their health or making a lifestyle change, asking why and how questions to create motivation to change can be significant in determining future success.
When caregivers identify an area of personal struggle, asking themselves why and how questions can help them better understand how loved ones navigating aging, health, or financial problems might feel.
When answered honestly, answers to these questions may require taking responsibility for the results. Sometimes, it is easier to avoid thinking about problems until one has no choice but to confront them.
Denial, avoidance, or procrastination can happen in caregiving relationships and any area of life, especially when one lacks the skills, knowledge, or energy to solve the problem. As we will see, this resistance can be a blessing in disguise.
Dementia problem solving
Here is a potential example of a lack of education and skills related to dementia care for the elderly. A caregiver stated that a parent with dementia did not deserve to be cared for with kindness or patience because the parent was mean and aggressive toward the caregiver.
Asking why might deliver these responses:
- I did not have a good relationship with my mother or father, so I am not going to go out of my way to be kind to them now—even if they have dementia.
- My parent with dementia is always angry and mean, so why should I respond in any other way?
Caregivers without knowledge and experience specific to dementia may not realize that the condition is an irreversible brain disease that can change the way a loved one acts to the degree that their actions and behaviors are not at all like the way they were in the past.
- A previously kind and loving mother may be anxious, aggressive, and angry.
- A father who ran the household may be helpless in caring for himself.
- Persons with dementia can be agitated by too much stimulation, such as a noisy home or external environment, too many people in the house, loud music, or other distracting noises or events.
Agitation and uncharacteristic behaviors can also result from the way that caregivers interact with people with dementia. An angry or impatient caregiver can create similar behaviors in a person with dementia.
Sometimes, this information or aspect of care can be difficult to understand unless a person has specialized experience encompassing diverse circumstances.
In working with caregivers, families, and people managing their health conditions for more than 20 years, I have been fortunate to have specialized experience in helping persons with health conditions, family members, and caregivers. If you feel at a loss about how to plan through unexpected events, schedule a 1:1 consultation with me.
4 Propose and Agree Upon a Solution
The root problem or cause must be identified or solved before addressing other causes or concerns. For example, if a person has a lifetime history of depression and now has a heart attack, finding motivation to be more physically active or change other health habits may not be possible unless the depression is well managed.
It is necessary to ask the person with health concerns to share
what matters to them, which may differ from what matters to the caregiver. For some people, changing their health habits does not matter if the most straightforward course of action is to take a medicine they believe will help. Others may feel too old or lack the energy to do anything differently.
When caring for aging parents or loved ones, examining and reviewing lifelong habits can offer insight into what matters to them and what they may be willing to do to improve their health. Sometimes, the answer to a willingness to change is nothing.
As a caregiver, if you don’t
have a plan to care for elderly parents or yourself, you won’t have a life.
Create a definitive plan with a timeline
Curiosity and information-seeking are positive habits related to problem-solving that anyone can learn. If you are a caregiver or a person with health issues, continuing to ask why and to search for information can make a significant difference in health and well-being.
A desire to improve health or any area of life benefits from thinking differently.
- Sometimes, traditional advice works.
- Other times, thinking out of the box and trying different options may be the secret to success.
- Every person and situation is different. A solution that works for one may not be a solution for another.
It is essential to know that healthcare providers often base recommendations on studies or protocols—procedures or a system of steps governing medical recommendations. In these cases, patients and caregivers must be strong advocates to get needed care if they feel the recommendations do not fit their situations.
For example:
- A physician may recommend a cholesterol medication when a patient prefers to try a diet or lifestyle change to see if they can lower the cholesterol reading.
- Another person may decide they are unwilling to change their diet, so taking a cholesterol medication is the easiest path forward.
Commit and create a definitive plan with a time frame for a habit or lifestyle change. If the changes do not have the expected results, consider whether it might be time to consider the next option.
5 Monitor Results and Look at the Other Side of the Equation
Aging, health, and money go hand in hand when people age. Healthcare costs can increase if a person has a complicated health history or multiple medical concerns to manage.
Having money to pay for care can be a worry.
On the other hand, if a loved one is having difficulty managing money or paying the bills, as in the example offered in the video on this page, the root cause may be underlying health concerns.
Examine Resistance to Change
If you have an aging, health, or financial problem or are caring for an aging parent, examine resistance to change. What is the resistance, refusal, or saying no about?
Understanding the
reasons for resisting change or advice can offer clues to what matters to others. For example, an elderly parent may prioritize watching television instead of exercising or another health-supporting activity.
Resistance can be a blessing in disguise to encourage thinking differently. In this case, as the caregiver, be clear about your time boundary to provide help if an elderly parent refuses to take action to support their health and ability to live independently.
For example, “Mom or Dad, I realize you enjoy soap operas or TV shows. Does watching television matter more to you than being able to care for your home and your physical needs? I am not in a position where I can spend more time helping you, so it is up to you to do as much for yourself as possible so you do not have to rely on me to do things you can continue to do if you make an effort.”
Resistance can be a wake-up call to be more attentive to longstanding habits that no longer deliver positive results. Resistance can be a gift for thinking differently and embracing change.
Resistance can be like a best friend forcing the whys, hows, and difficult questions that no one else dares to ask. Resistance can be the challenge that releases false beliefs and limited thinking.
Get to the Root of the Problem
So, if you find an aging parent or yourself in a mode of resistance to plan through unexpected events, suspend judgment, be kind, and get to the root of the problem. If you are a person who resists making changes to improve your health, dig deep to figure out where the resistance comes from.
When looking at resistance, you may be surprised by what you learn about yourself and others. You may uncover surprising answers and be able to arrive at potential solutions and agreements to move situations one step ahead.
Using the five steps described in this article, podcast, and video to plan through unexpected events, you can discover ways to work through simple and complicated challenges. You will gain confidence in your ability to respond to unexpected events and plan through the challenges presented by these situations.
Looking For Help Caring for Elderly Parents? Find the Information, Including Step-by-Step Processes, in Pamela’s Online Program.
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