How Caregivers Stop Sacrificing Life
Learn how caregivers stop sacrificing life and reduce guilt by initiating shared elder care planning conversations with all family members and setting boundaries. Taking these actions can reduce guilt and the feeling of abandoning a parent you love. Caregiving
can become exhausting and negatively impact the caregiver’s life.
Many caregivers sacrifice important aspects of their lives—careers, financial stability, health, relationships, and education without considering:
- The time involved in caregiving activities
- Short and long-term effects of caregiver sacrifices on financial stability and retirement
- Effects of stress on the caregiver’s physical and mental health
One way caregivers stop sacrificing life is by having conversations about elder care with parents and siblings to support family transparency. When discussions don’t include everyone, family secrets or situations may lead to disagreement, resentment, and unnecessary conflict, dividing the family.
According to caregiving expert Pamela D Wilson, elder care planning conversations include discussions about:
- Navigating healthcare and health concerns
- Money, financial planning, and paying for care
- Family caregiver time and tradeoffs
- Elderly parents’ wishes for their care
- How families can structure caregiving discussions.
Navigating Healthcare Through Shared Elder Care Agreements
The best time to talk about health and healthcare is before the need arises. However, the links between health and aging are rarely discussed. So, pre-need caregiving conversations rarely happen.
Besides a parent, the primary caregiver is the best person to initiate the discussion. These discussions can begin by identifying the change that prompted a parent to seek help or care, along with discussing the time trade-offs and opportunity costs for the caregiver.
Caregivers who do not initiate shared elder care discussions may find themselves two to five years or more down the road in the same position they are in today. Doing too much, feeling burned out, and frustrated.
Caregivers stop sacrificing life by reprioritizing practical aspects of their lives.Health
The combination of health problems, physical declines or injuries, and
cognitive problems can lead to caregiving needs. Stress leads caregivers to experience multiple health problems that can be more severe than those of the person they care for. Caregivers stop sacrificing life by being more attentive to their health and self-care needs.
By seeking information and gaining knowledge, caregivers can be better advocates for themselves, their aging parents, or others who need care. These episodes of The Caring Generation podcast offer more information on these topics.
Let’s look at the effects of early and progressive physical declines and how to discuss these within the family.
Early Physical Declines of Elderly Parents
Let’s look at an example of a parent who is physically weak or has poor balance. The result of the weakness is that Mom or Dad needs help.
In this context, shared elder care discussions focus on what parents who need help can commit to doing for themselves to address and reverse physical decline. Generally, physical weakness and poor balance can be addressed through doctor-prescribed physical therapy exercises and regular physical activity unless there are other health complications.
Here’s how this discussion might sound.
“Mom or Dad, I see you’re asking for help with grocery shopping, housekeeping, making meals, and laundry. Can you help me understand what has changed that you can no longer do these things for yourself?”Focus on asking questions to identify the problem and potential solutions. The caregiver may have to ask multiple questions to identify the problem. Is the underlying issue related to pain, a parent feeling exhausted, or a lack of interest in life?
Once the issue is identified, solutions can be investigated.
When asking questions, avoid making Mom or Dad feel like they’ve done something wrong. No one likes to be told that they made a mistake or that they’re doing something wrong.
Here are two different scenarios that might be encountered.
- If Mom or Dad recently had surgery, the physical weakness issue might be a short-term issue.
- Has the decline occurred gradually over time? If so, is this because mom or dad is inactive? Do they sit around the house all day watching television? If so, are there underlying medical concerns that need to be addressed in addition to physical weakness?
Caregivers can learn about health from their elderly parents’ experiences. Seeing these red flags can be a wake-up call for caregivers who stop sacrificing life by ending the unlimited support they provide to others.
The Importance of Daily Physical Activity
Young and healthy caregivers may not realize that staying physically active in old age takes work. Physical strength and muscle mass decline, leading to a range of health problems and physical disabilities.
The only way to remain physically strong and able to
perform activities of daily living is through planned, scheduled exercise. However, there can be underlying issues, like depression, that are causing a general lack of motivation.
Here is an example of basic steps that caregivers can take to work through this type of challenge:
- If parents are doing less because of physical weakness, they lack endurance and tire easily, or are at risk of falls, make a doctor appointment.
- Explain the physical decline and risks to the doctor in addition to any other concerns parents mentioned, like pain or a lack of interest in life, and ask for a physical therapy order and evaluation. The physician may also have other recommendations.
- Gain your parents’ commitment to participate in physical therapy and take additional steps to improve their strength and endurance.
- Discuss options for joining a gym or recreation center to help parents establish a regular exercise routine. If exercise is not planned, it won’t happen.
- Ask your parents to call their health insurance. Some Medicare Advantage plans contribute toward the cost of a gym membership.
- If the doctor prescribes medications to address pain or depression, gain agreement from your parents that they will take the medications and document changes or improvements. Medications can have side effects, so it’s important to monitor for these.
Wilson’s online caregiving course features a module
How to Prevent Falls, Injuries, and Weakness in the Elderly.There are many scenarios and steps involved in supporting the care of elderly parents. Many parents can learn to take these steps themselves without requiring assistance from their children.
Children who teach their parents steps to navigate the healthcare system can stop sacrificing life and be more proactive in living life.
Research, Planning, and Family Discussions
Most parents do not want to depend on their children. However, they may not know how to remain independent and self-sufficient if they have not sought information or advice.
This knowledge gap arises from a lack of awareness of issues related to aging well.
Shared elder care discussions identify issues and confirm next steps to identify and agree upon solutions. Discussions focus on helping parents take steps to remain independent, so they don’t need more time from adult children.
Caregivers love their parents, but the demands and responsibilities of caregiving can be exhausting. The time traded to care for parents has a cost for the caregiver—money, time, self-care, time with a spouse and children, plus negative effects on physical and mental health.
Women are more negatively impacted than men by caregiving activities.
The primary caregiver, parents, and siblings, assuming everyone is committed, agree to learn about care planning that includes researching, investigating, and learning about health and the healthcare system, saving and investing money to pay for care when older, understanding what parents want for their care, and legal aspects of caregiving like power of attorney.
These discussions benefit everyone in the family to support independence and self-sufficiency. Specific to healthcare and health, investigate and discuss all available options and services for staying at home or
moving into a care community.When Parents Have Advanced Health Problems
If parents have a number of health issues that have already severely limited their physical ability, then the care discussions may focus on health maintenance and safety.
Parents with progressive dementia or other cognitive diagnoses will be in a state of ongoing decline. Wilson’s online course features a segment on
creating a care plan for loved ones with dementia.Discussion in the family and with healthcare providers will focus on what it will take to maintain health or possibly improve it.
Sometimes doctors won’t have a good answer. As a result, the most knowledgeable caregiver and siblings may need to conduct their own investigation to identify alternatives for managing day-to-day needs.
This may include hiring paid assistance. Hard decisions may have to be made around:
- Downsizing a home to minimize home maintenance tasks and expenses
- Selling a home to have money to pay for care in a community
- Planning for Medicaid because savings will eventually run out
While these are difficult discussions, not having them will cause major stress in families. Delaying care planning reduces the number of options available for older adults.
Money for Health Care: Medicare, Medicaid, and Private Funds
Being in poor health and needing care costs money. Co-pays, prescription medicines, lab work, medical treatments, emergency room visits, surgery, hospitalizations, nursing home stays, plus in-home caregivers and other services to support living at home, add up and cause financial stress.
Older adults are shocked to learn that Medicare Doesn’t Pay for Everything when they’re older. Out of pocket costs can include hearing aids, dental care, vision care, non-illness-related foot care, non-medical in-home caregivers, assisted living, memory care, nursing home, prescription drug, and other medical co-pays.
Understanding the difference between Medicare, Medicare Advantage Plans, and Medicaid is a step everyone can take to be better informed. Immersing yourself in education about health and insurance plans can give you enough information to ask good questions.
Here are two helpful resources
Medicaid Long-Term Care for Low-Income Elderly
Medicaid is a federal and state program for low-income, high-health-need elderly persons in the United States. The program offers in-home community-based services and some community care.
There are health and financial qualifications. Applications can take months to process, especially if there are program wait lists.
Many caregivers already find themselves in a position of regret, with
no life, no job, and no friends. Agreeing to care for parents through a state program can add restrictions on the caregiver’s life, limit income, and increase feelings of isolation.
There can be a point
when home care stops working, and other plans must be considered.
Should Family Caregivers Work for Parents Through Medicaid Programs?
Some family caregivers in the United States ask whether they can be paid by Medicaid to care for elderly parents. While being paid by a government program can be a “noble” act to help a parent, it’s important to examine the effect on the caregiver’s financial ability to be self-sufficient.
There are varying opinions about whether government benefits that pay family caregivers to care for family members should be a last resort.
- These programs can help low-income elderly persons stay at home, but at what cost to the family caregiver’s future employment prospects and income-earning power?
- Being a paid family caregiver through Medicaid without other employment can result in the caregiver living below the federal poverty level.
- While these programs save the government money, they don’t always benefit the caregiver.
- Some caregivers use the role as a launching pad to build a career path in nursing, long-term care, hospital, home care, or healthcare administration.
- Rather than being employed by a state Medicaid program, pursuing education and becoming financially self-sufficient can open more doors and opportunities.
Parents at this stage of life are very different from their children.
They are not building a career or seeking a promotion. Nor are they saving money for retirement or paying for care. Parents need care and don’t have the money to pay for it.
The question is:
should children be penalized in their careers and finances because of their parents’ needs?Family Caregiver Time and Trade-Offs
Let’s look at how caregivers can avoid sacrificing their lives and careers by discussing shared responsibilities for elder care.
Caregiving should be a 2-way relationship.
This is not always possible with a parent who has dementia or Alzheimer’s as the disease progresses. If dementia is identified in the early stages, families can discuss and create care plans that guide future decisions.
In general, caregivers tend to place their needs at the bottom of the list, resulting in the sacrifice of their lives and other opportunities.
Caregiver sacrifices happen because of parents’ care expectations,
generational, or cultural beliefs.Mental and Emotional Caregiving Challenges
Some adults were raised by parents who never gave them love or attention. These children seek approval or love from their parents by becoming their caregivers to the detriment of their lives. Caregivers stop sacrificing life when they realize how family relationships affect their beliefs and actions toward parents.
The biggest mental and emotional challenge for caregivers is believing that the high care needs of parents or another person demand that you sacrifice your career, marriage, health, friendships, financial stability, and your future retirement.
These
mental and emotional challenges harm caregivers who do not have the information or knowledge to know that it doesn’t have to be this way. Some caregivers also lack coping strategies for difficult times.
For parents, including caregivers of their young children, expecting your children to care for you at the expense of their well-being, health, or financial future can create or maintain generational caregiving expectations and damage your children’s ability to take care of themselves and your grandchildren.
The Opportunity Cost of Caregiving
Family caregiving is usually unpaid work.
It’s a time tradeoff that the caregiver makes when they could be doing something more beneficial, like working or going to school to become more educated.
Individuals who are lifelong learners, those who understand the positive impacts of education and gaining knowledge, struggle less in life.
Family caregiving poses an “opportunity cost.” Opportunity cost is the value of the time or money a person gives up when making a choice, because the choice means saying no to other options.
One example of opportunity cost is choosing between jobs.
- Job #1 pays more, but it’s stressful, there is a lot of pressure to produce results, and promotions may be limited.
- Job #2 may be more of an entry-level position, but the company has a program to reimburse for education costs, and there is a clear system for promotion.
- Job #3 is caring for elderly parents, choosing to give up a career path, healthcare, and other benefits to live with and care for a parent. This job has no income, no traditional benefits, no job description, and no time frame, except for the required availability of 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
Which option would you choose?
Managing Time vs. Filling Time
It’s okay to
set strict boundaries around your time. In family elder care discussions, agree upon the number of hours you and your siblings will help your parents, and when these hours are reached, have another plan.
Manage Your Time and Your Life: Stop Allowing Caregiving to Result in Sacrificing Job, Family, and Life
Click the red arrow in the photo below to watch this video.
Watch More Videos About Caregiving, Aging, and Health on
Pamela’s YouTube ChannelCaregiver Time Agreements
Create a caregiving time agreement, and stick with it. Don’t answer personal calls during work hours. Let others know the timeframe for returning calls, responding to emails, or texts.
- If your time already belongs to everyone else, you may need to hit the reset button on your life.
- Stop creating unrealistic expectations in others that their requests will be met immediately.
- Plan schedules and set goals.
- Set weekly times for caregiving, other tasks, and enjoyable activities.
- Do not let tasks fill available time because you have no plans. Make plans.
- Prioritize what’s important.
A life of possibilities exists. Caregivers stop sacrificing life and living with limitations in a scarcity mindset.
To do this, be inquisitive. Seek information and education about aspects of eldercare that set a foundation for family discussions and further investigations.
So, let’s look at how caregivers can get ahead in managing their time instead of letting everyone else manage their lives. It’s time for caregivers to stop sacrificing their lives and future potential.
The Path to Full-Time Caregiving and How to Get Ahead of It
Caregiver time can start small, a couple of hours a week, and eventually become full-time care, if you let it.
This happens while caregivers work, raise children, and manage a full life.
Caregiving activities can increase to constant availability
24/7 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) at the expense of the rest of your life, career, family, self-care, relationships, and interests.
Your parents or the person you care for call you at work during the day, in the evening, and on weekends because they need something. These calls happen because you’ve never set a boundary. Why haven’t you?
Many caregivers feel bad about saying no. Most don’t consider that other options exist because no one in their family has mentioned this possibility.
So the caregiver lives on autopilot from one day to the next, without any thought to what will happen in one year, three years, or five years. They are too focused on what will happen today instead of asking, “What do I want my life to be like?”
- If you are a caregiver, prioritize research and becoming educated so that you and the person you care for have more options. The time you devote to this will benefit you and your care as you age. It will not be wasted time.
Knowledge Across Aspects of Caregiving Offers Choices
When you don’t prioritize learning to advocate – insurance companies, healthcare, including a doctor’s office, a hospital, a nursing home, or a government agency – have more control over your life because they know the rules and regulations, and you don’t.
As a result, you don’t know how to advocate for yourself or a loved one.
Here’s one example: Have you or the person you care for ever been denied care or a treatment?
- The reason can be something as simple as a wrong diagnosis code or CPT code entered by the coding person in your doctor’s office. So, the insurance company issues a denial.
- A CPT code is a 5-digit code used to document medical, surgical, or diagnostic services. Some insurance companies are very particular about CPT codes. It’s an easy way for insurance companies to deny claims and save money on patient care.
- IF you don’t know about medical or CPT coding, and you don’t know the right questions to ask about why a procedure was denied, you or a loved one can be denied life-saving care.
This example applies to many aspects of caregiving, such as managing in-home caregivers,
understanding why a parent is or is not admitted to a hospital, and working with nursing home staff and doctors’ offices. There is much to learn.
Early Discussions Lead to Positive Family Caregiving Relationships
Have early discussions. It’s not good to wait until the last minute to talk about these things because your parents won’t have as many choices.
For this reason, initiating shared discussions about elder care in your family starting today is very important. Even if others don’t want to have these conversations, be persistent in requesting time for in-person or virtual meetings. Make it happen.
Sometimes people don’t want to talk about eldercare because they don’t know what’s important to discuss. They don’t know what can happen or what they should plan for.
This is where doing your research to build a foundation and then talking to an expert can save you time and endless hours spent searching the internet. There are many resources on this website, including the
caregiving library, the caregiver
blog, the Caregiving Trap
book, and
online courses.
If you need help facilitating family discussions, schedule a consultation with Pamela or invite her to facilitate a family meeting.
In the meantime, look at how you are spending your caregiving time, and talk with your siblings and your parents about creating a shared elder care plan based on your parents’ wishes for their care and what is practical.
Manage your time around caring for aging parents or loved ones, rather than letting everyone else manage your life.
©2026 Pamela D Wilson, All Rights Reserved.