Jill Bialosky’s moving piece in The Wall Street Journal,“Am I Struggling Over My Mother’s Alzheimer’s More Than She Is?”, captures something so many caregivers feel but rarely voice: What if the person you love is okay—but you’re not?

In her memoir The End of the Beginning: A Personal History of My Mother, Bialosky chronicles the slow erosion of her mother Iris’s memory. She forgets names. Repeats herself. Asks the same questions over and over. And yet, she is not suffering. She moves through her days with peace and joy. It is Jill who carries the burden of sadness, helplessness, and anticipatory grief.

As she writes, “My mother is living in the present, unaware of what she is losing. I’m the one mourning her memory.”

This is a profound truth about Alzheimer’s: while it’s often portrayed as total disappearance, many people with the disease retain emotional capacity, long-term muscle memory, even personality traits. It’s not that they are gone—it’s that we don’t know how to relate to who they’ve become.

The Hidden Grief of Caregivers

Alzheimer’s, like all dementias, is a disease that challenges not just the brain—but the hearts of families. According to theAlzheimer’s Association, over 11 million Americans provide unpaid care for people with Alzheimer’s or other dementias, most of them family members. And while their loved ones may forget dates or names, the caregivers rarely forget what they’ve lost.

Yet here’s what experts are urging us to understand: Not all parts of a person are lost. A 2021study published in Alzheimer’s Research & Therapy showed that emotional memory—like feeling joy when hearing a familiar voice or laughter at a joke—can remain intact long after short-term memory fades.

One beautiful example is legendary singer Tony Bennett. Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, he couldn’t recognize daily facts. But during a 202160 Minutes special, he flawlessly performed a full set at Carnegie Hall. Why? Because musical memory and muscle memory live in different parts of the brain.

Understanding this helps us reframe Alzheimer’s—not as an erasure, but as a transformation.

At Age Brilliantly, We Talk About the Whole Human

AtAge Brilliantly, we believe that health isn’t just physical—it’s emotional, cognitive, and relational. Alzheimer’s affects all of these, but it doesn’t eliminate the person within. That’s why we consider empathy, education, and preparation essential life tools, especially for those caring for loved ones with memory loss.

In our recent dementia workshop, one speaker noted: “While the number of Alzheimer’s cases is increasing due to longer lifespans, the incidence rate is actually declining—thanks to improved awareness and preventive care.” That means we’re not powerless. With the right mindset and tools, we can preserve dignity, foster connection, and ease our own burden.

What You Can Do—Right Now

1. Learn the Signs and What They Mean
 Familiarize yourself with the10 Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s so you can respond early and compassionately.

2. Focus on Connection Over Correction
 Instead of reminding your loved one what they forgot, try grounding them in the now. Use apps likeTimeless to share photos, memories, and names in a gentle, affirming way.

3. Use Music, Movement, and Familiar Routines
 Organizations likeMusic & Memory show how personalized playlists can evoke deep emotional responses and help maintain a sense of self. Walking, dancing, and singing can be just as powerful.

4. Seek Support for Yourself
 Join communities likeFamily Caregiver Alliance orAlzheimer’s Navigator to build a care plan. And use theAge Brilliantly forum to share stories and get advice from others on this journey.

Interactive Reflection: Let’s Talk About This

You are not alone in this. And your feelings—guilt, grief, confusion, even occasional relief—are valid.

Let’s take this conversation deeper. Join ourAge Brilliantly forum and share your thoughts:

• Are you grieving a parent or partner who doesn’t seem to be grieving themselves?
• What’s one moment of joy or connection you’ve had with a loved one facing memory loss?
• How has your relationship evolved since their diagnosis?

“We don’t lose people all at once. We lose them in moments. But we also find new ones in those same moments.” You can still laugh together. Sit together. Live together.

Let’s talk about how.

Join the discussion here:https://agebrilliantly.org/forum/