How many times have you felt burdened by family expectations and pressures? How often does an elderly parent or a sibling pressure you to take on more care responsibilities?
When you hear the words “no pressure” in response to a request, you probably know that the person making the request really wants you to do whatever they are asking you to do. If so, you may feel guilty if you say no to the request.
Thoughts and Energy
While caregivers may not feel that they are in control of their lives, they are in control of their responses and their perception of what is happening. Sometimes, caregivers become stuck in one way of thinking, making it difficult to see that there are other possibilities.
The saying where your thoughts go, your energy goes is accurate. For example, if you are in a constant state of stress, you will be exhausted; if you are in a constant state of worry, you will feel anxious. You may not be sleeping.
Work to transform feelings of being burdened by family expectations and pressures into a different response. Create next steps to respond to stressful or high-pressure situations.
Family Expectations and Pressures
Caregivers share stories with me about family members pressuring them to leave their job and care for elderly parents, to move in with an elderly parent, or take on additional care responsibilities.
The questions that most caregivers don’t ask when considering these requests are:
- Who benefits from my taking on this responsibility?
- How do I benefit from accepting this responsibility?
- What risks am I taking on?
- Why is no one else raising their hand to participate or take on risks?
The Tradeoffs of Responsibility Versus Benefits
While caregivers want to be helpful, they often underestimate the short-term and long-term risks associated with caregiving decisions. Many say, “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but today, I regret the decision I made.”
Feeling burdened by family expectations and pressures pressured by elderly parents or family members is stressful, especially if you are at a point where elderly parents, siblings, aunts, or uncles are pressuring you to say yes today to their growing requests.
Continuing to say yes to expectations and pressures can be easier to see when looking at benefits versus tradeoffs. When others pressure a caregiver to do more, it is the caregiver who is trading parts of their life.
Everyone else in the family benefits from not having to do the work or take on the responsibilities. So, before you agree to add caregiving responsibilities, take out a piece of paper and make three columns. One is a tradeoff for me, two is a benefit for me, and three is a benefit for others. Based on your experience, complete the columns.
Unless you are wealthy beyond measure and can pay for care for parents so that caregiving does not affect your life, it’s likely the column for tradeoffs may be greater than the benefits for me. Depending on the responsibilities you have taken on, the benefits for others column may also be very long.
While you may feel good about giving back to care for your parents, your life will be affected. Family members who don’t help will go on with their lives. A lack of involvement by siblings may eventually make you feel resentful, angry, or both.
Your parents will benefit by not having to plan because you’re doing all the work. So, before you accept the pressures others place on you to be a caregiver, take your time and think through the choices, and make a thorough list. If you need expert advice, you can schedule a one-on-one consultation.
What to Do About Feeling Pressured by Elderly Parents or Siblings
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Dealing With Caregiver Stress or Pressure
Feelings of stress or pressure can be self-imposed. Feeling pressured can relate to feelings of guilt, obligation, or duty.
Stress results from thoughts and feelings and translates to anxiety, worry, or health problems. Finding ways to cultivate inner peace amid chaotic or stressful situations can be beneficial when feeling overwhelmed.
In stressful situations, before responding, take a deep breath or pause for a few minutes to regain your composure. Allow the logical side of your brain to catch up with the emotional side.
Know that the actions and opinions of others are expressions of where they are in their lives. You may be in a different place in your life, which means you make different choices.
Caregiver Scenarios of Family Expectations and Pressures
Let’s look at two scenarios that paint a picture of family expectations, steps, or choices caregivers can take to respond to requests you’d rather decline.
Male Caregivers
Family expectations and pressures for men arise from being an only son whose father, mother, and siblings expect you to be the caregiver. Meanwhile, you work and have a family.
It might seem like everyone wants you to be the one who takes care of everything. If you are a male caregiver and an only son, you may not have anyone with whom you can share caregiving concerns or experiences.
Men are expected to take care of everything and not complain. When it comes to caring for aging parents, this approach is unrealistic and unsustainable. It’s impossible to know what you don’t know.
Find a caregiver support group, whether it’s local or online, so that you can share your experiences with others who understand. You can join my online support group, The Caregiving Trap, on Facebook. Being with people who understand can be a relief.
Female Caregivers
Because women have children and raise them, they are expected to have the skills and desire to care for aging parents. But what if you are a single daughter, an only daughter, or a granddaughter supporting yourself, and this expectation exists?
What if you are near retirement, looking forward to doing all the things you planned to do, and now an elderly parent needs your help. You feel as if your retirement plans have been derailed.
Regardless of when you accept caregiving responsibilities, maintaining balance in your life is critical for health and well-being.
Regardless of the situation, daughters of aging parents are often expected to be their caregivers. Many women consider quitting their jobs to care for an aging parent, even though they know this is a risky decision.
Other women are influenced by their parents to move into the home of and care for an elderly parent. Add to this that Mom or Dad makes a promise that the home will be theirs in return for being the caregiver.
Being transparent, promising home ownership is not something that parents can guarantee. If Mom or Dad lives a long time and uses all of their financial resources, the value of the home may be needed to pay for their care.
Common Family Expectations and Pressures
Common family expectations and pressure include: being asked to do more, elderly parents who complain, and siblings who don’t help.
1 You are a caregiver being asked to do more, and you have concerns
Consider these concerns as potential red flags or areas that require closer attention. If you give up your job, your income, and your health insurance for any time, how difficult will it be for you to become employed again and progress from the level you were at when you were employed?
Looking back, many caregivers tell me that they were unable to replace their previous income level or find a job similar to the one they had held.
Before deciding to leave a job with benefits, consider the long-term effects on your life. If your parents have the financial means, let them pay for in-home caregivers or a care community. If they don’t have money, plan as early as possible to access Medicaid services. Give strong consideration to giving up your life or risking your future by giving up a job.
2 Siblings or one parent continues to pressure you to do more
The parent you care for complains about your siblings, who aren’t helping, and even sometimes your other parent. Pause to stop the triangulation by hosting a family sit-down discussion.
Learn how to respond to the parent who complains about everyone else. Use this response and make it your own with other details.
“No one else will know that you are upset unless you talk to them. I’m not getting in the middle. Let me schedule a time for a family meeting, and you can say what’s on your mind.”
There is a point where caregivers can refuse to be the emotional and mental dumping ground for elderly parents who complain and do nothing about their situation.
When an elderly parent or a person close to you pushes your button and you respond emotionally, it’s time to ask yourself why. People who trigger emotions can be our teachers in the choice to respond differently.
- Why are complainers bothersome or annoying?
- Do the complaints of others repeat a story experienced previously by the caregiver?
- Does frustration exist because of a belief that complaints have solutions, making complaints unproductive?
- What do caregivers repeat that holds them back from making forward progress?
Change Care Stories
Caregivers and elderly parents who need care tell themselves stories that become self-imposed predictions. Thoughts are things that produce events. Where are you spending your brain time? Are you happy with the results? For example:
I have no choice, I must be the caregiver
Caregivers tell themselves many stories. For example, “I must be the caregiver, I have no choice, there’s no one else who will be the caregiver.”
Until caregivers who experience burdensome family expectations and pressures realize that they have a choice and can make a different choice by changing their story, they will remain stuck. Part of telling the same old story is getting comfortable with having an excuse for why situations cannot change.
Changing a situation that has been allowed to persist for some time can require a significant amount of planning and effort. Some caregivers lack the physical or emotional energy to change, so they remain stuck.
Other caregivers have not sought support or explored other options, so they remain stuck in a cycle of responding to growing family expectations and pressures. Is it time to change your story?
Is it time to change your story?
Consider a new story, “I’ve done all I can and am willing to do. I’ve spent this amount of time as a caregiver. It’s time for me to transition out of the role of caregiver and focus on my life.”
The caregiver must then be transparent with other family members and create an optional plan for caring for aging parents.
If you have siblings, begin discussions about them contributing or finding an alternate care situation for aging parents. Have the same conversation with your parents. Schedule a family meeting to discuss next steps.
It might be possible that no one attends your family meeting because they don’t want to deal with family conflict. These actions perpetuate old patterns of family expectations and pressures, causing you to continue doing what you’ve been doing.
Move Through Family Conflict
Don’t let your siblings’ lack of interest or participation stop you from creating your new story. Siblings haven’t helped so far, and they may not. Send out a second email invitation, mail a letter, and offer a Zoom link.
Don’t let their continued lack of interest or refusal to participate end your plan to create a new caregiving story of transition. Use their lack of interest as permission for you to move forward.
If your parents, who have full mental capacity (meaning no memory loss, dementia, or Alzheimer’s), refuse to participate, provide them with the plan you developed. As adults, they can choose to consider the plan or not. If they refuse, then they will have to deal with the consequences of their choices.
Continue to be transparent with all family members so that they cannot say that “they didn’t know.” Set a timeline goal to end your current level of participation and make sure that everyone in the family is aware of your plan. If they don’t like the plan, then they can choose to become involved.
Money and Inheritance
Many adult children tell me they feel pressured by their families to protect the family home or to preserve their parents’ financial assets. So they do all the work because of sibling or family interest in a parent’s money and family inheritance.
Why should you be the one who trades the best parts and the best years of your life to benefit other family members who fail to help but are only interested in an inheritance?
Now, if you’re the one who wants your parents’ money, then that’s your choice. Don’t complain about the consequences of your choices and say that you’re stuck caring for a parent you don’t like. Don’t complain if you are exhausted, burned out, and so on and so on.
You chose to prioritize an inheritance. You can free yourself when having control over your life becomes more important than a potential inheritance.
Say No to Family Expectations and Pressures If the Care Situation Is Not Working
Caregivers, while you may feel pressured by others to accept more responsibility or to continue your ongoing responsibilities, if this isn’t working for you, it’s time to speak up and say no more.
When family members pressure you, respond with:
“I hear that you want me to be or continue to be the solution to this problem. What’s your solution? How can you participate? If I say no, what will you and the rest of the family do? Take me out of the picture and find a way to solve this yourself.”
While it may be scary to say any of these things until you make yourself and your life a priority, you will continue to feel pressured by and continue to do for others until you decide to change the story that you must be the caregiver.
Is it time to stop and make a different decision? Is it time to create a new story for your life? What will you do next?
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