Are Elderly Parents Living Too Long?
When I meet with caregivers, I sometimes hear, “My elderly parents are living too long. If I knew they would live this long, I would have planned differently.”
Conversely, older adults have said to me, “I don’t know why I’m still living. What am I living for?”
In general, these statements relate to individuals who did not recognize the importance of learning about health and planning for retirement, the impact of caregiving responsibilities on their lives, or those who allowed their beliefs to become reality.
Individuals in stressful caregiving situations may lack boundaries, communication, coping, or problem-solving skills. Some lose hope and motivation.
Time and Quality of Life
Comments about living too long can relate to the length of life in years. Thoughts or beliefs around elderly parents living too long can also relate to poor quality of life.
The existence of age-related debilities like heart disease, dementia or Alzheimer’s, arthritis, osteoporosis, kidney disease, cancer, and other chronic conditions that may progress if no action is taken. There can be many
signs that elderly parents need care.This means that living longer may be spent in a state of poor health, significant physical disabilities, weakness, or illnesses that limit the ability to do enjoyable activities.
Considerations of Elderly Parents Living Too Long
Looking at living too long can be examined from two different perspectives:
1) Worry that life is short and about all the things one wants to do before life ends. The idea of having a bucket list.
2) When elderly parents living too long is a constant focus, what are the practical steps that can be taken?
Factors That Can Negatively Impact Life Enjoyment
A list of common frustrations for caregivers and older adults on the topic of living too long includes:
- Lacking energy, physical strength, and endurance, which can result in tiring out easily
- Hiding or denying health, financial, or other problems rather than directly facing them
- Difficulty managing activities of daily living tasks or performing activities that were once easy
- When caring for a loved one with memory loss or any neurodegenerative disorder, frustrations arise around repetitive behaviors, care refusals, sundowning, anxiety about being left alone, and the extensive level of hands-on care like bathing, dressing, dealing with incontinence, and medication management necessary to get through a single day.
- Difficulty with daily self-care – getting dressed, bending over to put on shoes, tying shoelaces, showering or bathing safely can be difficult—especially if there has been a previous slip, fall, or injury. For caregivers, making time for daily self-care.
Where Did the Get-Up-and-Go—Go?
When one lacks energy or tires easily because of health problems, there may not be enough get-up-and-go energy to be motivated to get out of bed in the morning, perform self-care and daily tasks, participate in social activities, or meet friends.
- Family caregivers deprioritize social activities, friendships, and hobbies for caregiving activities because they think it is expected or it is the right thing to do.
- Due to health reasons or feeling exhausted, older adults do less, become more isolated, and increasingly rely more on other people.
Maintaining Emotional and Physical Energy
For caregivers employed in high-profile sales or marketing jobs, physical and mental effort is required to perform and be “on” all the time.
This level of effort required to be on can be related to the energy required for an elderly parent or a loved one who doesn’t feel well but does their best to manage every day so that they don’t need a significant amount of outside assistance.
How might you know? If you have ever taken your parents out for a busy day of activities, they might have been exhausted by the end of the day.
If you talk to Mom or Dad the next day, they may tell you that they’ve slept for most of the day. This can happen as a result of a significant change in activity level from one day to the next.
This can be similar for an adult of any age who does a non-routine, physically demanding activity. Maybe you mow the lawn and pull weeds for 8 hours. The next day, your back or muscles are sore.
For caregivers who work all week and then care for a spouse or elderly parents in the evening or on weekends, the constant level of effort and being on the go can be exhausting.
Many caregivers experience burnout.These experiences can result in thinking my elderly parents are living too long. They can also transfer to feelings of regret or resentment about the negative consequences of caregiving efforts.
Pride of Ownership
Let’s look at how consumers relate pride of ownership to external things but not generally to the human body.
Pride of ownership is a feeling of satisfaction and responsibility that usually relates to owning a home or another item, like a car. But what about the pride of ownership of the physical body, mind, and spirit?
The body is like a house. If not well-maintained, it will eventually experience sickness and demand attention and repair. The repair may be rest, taking a prescribed medication, changing eating or nutrition habits, or exercise.
Pride of ownership can be seen when driving through a neighborhood. There are well-cared homes with manicured yards and gardens. On the other hand, there may be homes with dead grass and weeds in the front yard, exteriors in need of paint, new siding, or a roof.
Age, physical ability, motivation, and finances can positively or negatively impact health and the ability to maintain the body’s house and a physical home.
Advanced age can result in a lack of interest or motivation, or the physical ability to do the work that shows pride of ownership. Alternatively, a lack of financial resources can mean that there is no money to pay for needed repairs.
The same applies to the pride of ownership of the physical body. Taking good care of the body can result in a sense of personal satisfaction and accomplishment.
Spending time with others can result in friendships and a sense of community and belonging that have positive and long-lasting effects.
The results of good nutrition, exercise, mental positivity, faith, and social activity can deliver a healthy body and mind that translates to a well-rounded, happy, and positive individual.
Realistic Scenarios to Avoid Unrealistic Expectations
When life disappoints or times are challenging, self-reflection to identify unrealistic expectations or reasons for holding onto the past can be helpful.
For example, a parent may believe that an adult child should care for them for the rest of their life.
However, it may be
unrealistic for an adult child to give up a well-paying job or career and relocate their spouse and children to live near a parent to provide care.
Some children make this commitment and then, in a matter of months, realize that the situation is unworkable.
Creating a flexible mindset, viewing the situation as a learning experience, and considering best-case, worst-case, and realistic situations can help identify other solutions for elderly parents living too long.
For example, expectations may exist by a caregiver that an elderly parent commits to helping themselves by following through on medical or other advice, but this doesn’t always happen.
The actions of people show you who they are. By accepting who they are, you can avoid disappointment that they will be different.
For example, if a person never follows through, expect them not to follow through. Stop hoping a parent will change.
In reality, an elderly parent may not be able to be more attentive to health or money matters when diagnosed and dealing with multiple complex health conditions. These concerns may be too much to manage physically and emotionally.
As a result, family caregivers may step in to be helpful and then offer “an assisted living level or care or nursing home care” for a spouse or parent. This assistance may only delay the inevitable, which is an
elderly parent moving out of their home to live in an assisted living, memory care, or
nursing home community.I Never Thought My Elderly Parents Would Live This Long | Insights for Caregivers and the Elderly
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Pamela’s YouTube ChannelPersonal Responsibility and Accountability
When caregivers accept and take on responsibilities that are not theirs, they get burned out, have health problems, or job or relationship problems. The time devoted to caregiving becomes a drain on their health and well-being.
At the same time, if there is no clear or direct communication about these concerns from the caregivers, the elderly parent maintains unrealistic expectations about being able to stay at home forever with the help of the caregiver.
So, how do both people shift mindsets? My elderly parents are living too long, or I am living too long.
Thoughts and beliefs become reality. Individuals are responsible for the thoughts and state of mind that create their world.
This means that it is important not to trade responsibility for being a victim of caregiving or thinking that nothing can be done to change a current situation.
Boundary Setting
The longevity of an elderly parent does not mean an adult child cannot enjoy their life. Rather than giving power up to other people or outside circumstances, learn to set boundaries and grow the ability to think, problem solve, and choose what happens in life.
Caregivers say, I didn’t have a choice to become a caregiver, or no one will help me.
Other options and solutions exist if one is willing to put in the time to investigate how thoughts and behaviors become reality.
If you believe you don’t have a choice, then you will act as if you don’t have a choice. The choice to become a caregiver and to remain a caregiver exists.
Similarly, older adults who choose to do nothing to address health problems but who constantly complain will have difficulty changing their situation because of a lack of belief and faith.
Take the reins of life.
Set boundaries. Stop waiting to be rescued. Rescue yourself.
Believe that choices exist. Find faith to accomplish goals and dreams.
Who Is Responsible?
Who is responsible for your life and your life choices? If your answer is the name of someone other than yourself, you may be relying on other people too much.
Have you become dependent on other people, expecting them to take care of whatever happens? Do you expect people to rescue you?
It’s not the job of another person to save you. You have the power to save yourself.
If you find yourself in a situation where you rely too much on other people to solve your problems, find motivation, engage your mind, your body, and your soul in positive and focused activity to identify the problem that is holding you back.
Be proactive. Take an interest in life. The topic doesn’t matter – business, education, self-improvement, health, well-being, religion or spirituality, history, math, quantum physics, nature, hobbies, theatre, or culture.
Do not withdraw from life because there are parts that may be difficult and unpleasant. Be open-minded, flexible, and curious.
For anyone who might say, “I’m bored, I can’t think of anything to do,” make it your daily goal to understand different perspectives.
Become More Interested, Interesting, and Independent
An individual can spend all day
learning to defend opposite perspectives. Write down a belief. Then write down the opposite belief, opinion, or perspective.
Think of the last conversation you had with someone you disagreed with and focus your efforts on understanding their perspective.
Become so interested in challenging your thinking and your beliefs. When you challenge yourself, boredom will cease. Sitting around all day doing nothing will no longer be an option.
Find things that interest you. If you’ve lost interest in life, then the task is to figure out why.
Become mentally, physically, and socially active. Focus on the positive aspects of life. Create more mental and physical capacity to solve problems. Positive activity will bring more positivity into your life.
Rather than focusing on the idea of living too long, create a bucket list of things you want to do before life ends.
Practical Advice and Strategies for Living Too Long
If you are the caregiver, be realistic about your goals and your available time. Don’t overcommit to care for another person and lose all enjoyment of life.
Be brutally honest with yourself about your calendar and your priorities.
If you are the care receiver, identify and commit to the effort it will take to be attentive to your health and well-being so that you don’t need a caregiver. Become more active and interested in life.
Write down the actions you commit to complete and schedule time on a daily, weekly, and monthly calendar to work on them. Consistency and focus can deliver positive results.
For caregivers and care receivers:
- Have honest conversations about how health and other issues translate into the need for care for all persons.
- Learn more about the progression of health conditions, use of medications, and options for care that go beyond expectations of having a family caregiver.
- Develop practical solutions to support independence instead of dependence.
- Create a contract for commitments about the caregiving relationship or partnership.
- Avoid verbal agreements that can be easily forgotten or that may lead to further conflict. Put commitments and agreements in writing.
- Hold each other accountable for doing what you say you will do.
Live Longer and Better
Plan to live longer and better. Unexpected things happen. Responding is a choice.
Be proactive about health regardless of age. Take an interest in learning about the impact of health diagnoses and the benefits of exercise, nutrition, and socialization.
Learn how health insurance works while employed and after retirement, when Medicare or Medicaid may be options. Learn how to and set aside money for retirement and care costs so that you have choices.
Caregivers and the elderly are shocked that
Medicare does not pay for everything. Don’t rely on the government for healthcare. Take your health into your own hands.
Put everything you learn into a daily practice to live a healthier, more active, happier life.
If you do, you may never say, I never thought my parents would live this long or I never thought I would live this long.
Enjoy life so much that these thoughts don’t cross your mind.
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