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Dogs, and Cows, and Mammoths, Oh My.
Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker
Chicago, IL
Friday, September 17, 2021


    Welcome to the last official weekend of summer. According to my Hallmark pocket calendar, the first day of autumn will be next Wednesday, September 22nd. Autumn. You can tell that it is close because when you go outside and breathe in deeply, you will detect the scent of pumpkin spice. It's everywhere. You can't avoid it. It's only a matter of time before somebody comes up with a pumpkin spice cologne. They could call it Eau de Gourde.

    Perhaps somebody should buy a hot pumpkin spice coffee for President Biden to keep him awake. This week, he appeared with UK prime minister Boris Johnson and Australia prime minister Scott Morrison. When it was his turn to speak, the president thanked Boris and when he went to thank Scott, he forgot his name. So Biden said,"I what to thank...uh...that fella down under, Thank you very much pal. Appreciate it Mr Prime Minister." This man is our leader but from now on I'm just going to call him, "That old fella in the White House." And now, the news.


    In the UK this week, 28-year-old Molly Fenton was walking her dog along the beach near her home in Portsmouth. Her cocker spaniel named Doug ran around and picked up something and brought it to Molly. She thought it was a stick until it started to move. She thought Doug had an animal in his jaws and ordered him to drop it. Doug dropped it at her feet, and upon further examination, Molly discovered that Doug's newest toy was in fact an old latex marital aid complete with a suction cup on the end.

    Mary took Doug home and brushed his teeth for two hours and said if the original owner of the rubber novelty wants it back, they better bring dog treats. 


    Cows are beneficial animals. From their milk we get ice cream and Creme de Menthe, and from the rest of the cow we get steaks, burgers, tacos, shoes, jackets and gloves. The only bad feature with cows is that they pee a lot, and their pee contains nitrogen, which when mixed with feces, turns into ammonia, an environmental problem.     To fix this problem a lab in Dummerstorf, Germany has potty trained cows not to pee where they poop. Instead, when cows have to relieve themselves, they are led into a special constructed bathroom to pee. When they do, they get a tasty treat.

    This is fine but it doesn't solve the problem of a field full of cow crap that becomes a minefield when walking on the farm. 


    This world needs a lot of things, and according to a company named Colossal, one of the things is to bring a wooly mammoth back to life.  Colossal is spending $15 million to reactivate wooly mammoths, which have been extinct for 10,000 years. My first question is "Why?" If you can reactivate something, start by bringing Congress back to life first, just to see if the idea works.

    They are starting the experiment with elephant DNA and seeing how they can mess around with it to create a mammoth. Once they bring the mammoth back to life, they don't know where it would live, but the standard answer for a six-ton genetic experiment is "Wherever he wants to.


As The Professional Summarizer I add a new dimension to your next meeting - especially the virtual ones we all have now.

I listen to the entire meeting and pay attention to every detail. Then I report back to the audience on what they should have learned in the form of a comedy monologue.

What I did with this week's news I can do for your meeting.

News Media Interview Contact
Name: Dale Irvin
Title: Professional Summarizer
Dateline: Downers Grove, IL United States
Direct Phone: 630-235-2038
Cell Phone: 630-235-2038
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