By Tamira Thayne

It’s that sacred day of the year. You know the one—the one where we moms get to do whatever it is WE want to do. We get to be completely selfish, laze around in bed, and make inordinate demands on our family, like “Clean up your own mess”, or “Run out to the liquor store and bring Mommy a half gallon of whatever’s on sale, there’s a good lad.”

That kinda thing.

Except for some reason I’m already on my second load of laundry and contemplating whether I really DO want to vacuum the floor on Mother’s Day. [Pretty sure the answer is NO…Yes, it’s NO.]

As I was peeling away the hair-covered sheets from the dog and cat beds—and trying to contain the runoff within said sheets so it didn’t further hairify the floor—I contemplated how much of said fur was about to be deposited into my washing machine.

I acknowledged to the person I talk to in my head who is also me that I’m gonna have to make sure the washing machine is thoroughly sanitized before the hubby notices. [He likes to pretend the animal laundry gets magically poofed to the laudromat so our own machines don’t get sullied—we maintain this fantasy as part of our peaceful household.]

The author’s daughter with a blind foster dog

Which got me to pondering…is it easier being a Mom to dogs and/or cats or to those of the human persuasion?

Let’s compare, getting right into the thick of it. The, ooey, gooey thickness of it…

Wretching. Horking. Vomiting.

Dog & Cat: OH, THE HORROR! The puke…the sound of which can strike fear into the hearts of many an intrepid dog or cat mom. You know that wretched wretching noise of which I speak….there you are, dreaming about Timothy Olyphant (Justified, not Santa Clarita Diet, although he is a very supportive husband in that role), when suddenly there it is. Yak…yak…YAKKKKK!

But where is it? Is it in your bed? On the floor? Between you and the bathroom? Can it wait until morning, or will you forget about it and definitely step in it then?

[Ponder the problem. If you’re one of those lucky moms, you roll over, go back to sleep, and vow to investigate at the break of dawn.]

Kid: “Mommy! I don’t feel so good.” Rubs belly. “I think I’m gonna frow up.” Rushes for the bathroom…

Odds are about 80/20 they won’t make it. At least when they miss you know exactly where it is, and sometimes it’s even on the bathroom floor, which means there’s not even carpeting. Score.

Plus, you’re telling me there’s a CHANCE.

Point=Kid

Grocery Shopping

Dog & Cat: “You’re leaving us here? At home? While you go to the place with all the delicacies, and the smells, and the beautiful decisions over what to bring home to this prison?”

You, ruefully: “I’m so sorry, my sweethearts. I will miss you incessantly, but alas, there are laws against bringing you with me into the grocery store, which we are of course greatly offended by and will make plans to protest another day.”

Kid: “I hate the grocery store. Why do I have to go? Ooh, can I have that? Mom!!!! But I want it! I need it. All the other kids have it.” [Slips said item into cart while you compare green beans.]

You, harried. “Why is it a big fight every time we come here? We have a LIST.” You clutch the list and thrust it emphatically and victoriously into the air.

[Kid is umimpressed. Throws him/herself onto the floor when you remove the item from the cart and screams that you’re the worst parent EVER. Repeat.]

Point=Dog & Cat

Play Dates at the Park

Dog [If you have any living gray matter, you won’t be taking your cat to the park—EVER]: You briefly ponder on the way to the park why you have a death wish. Rufus is pacing the back seat with excitement, spittle and fur swishing throughout the vehicle because you just had to open your sun roof, and even your iced tea has now sprouted.

Yeah, there was that one time you took the dog to the park and there was just the two other nice dogs and everyone got along and the other dog dad was actually hot and nice. 

But that was only one time. The other 3,098 times your dog peed on the sexy guy’s leg, fought with two dobermans and a rottweiler, and ended up with a $3098 vet bill and the cone of shame. You’re now facing two civil lawsuits because your dog’s an asshole, and you’ve had to move cities three times to find new dog parks.

Kid: You briefly ponder the weather, and hope this beautiful spring day will hold up. Did I forget my book? Darn it. Well, I’m sure I can find something on Kindle Unlimited to read.

I hope Betty Sue is there with that delightful Kenny. He’s such a good influence on Ralphie. I sure hope that Damian isn’t there, he tugged on little Kate’s hair braids the last time and made her cry. What a kerfuffle. I’m so glad I remembered some healthy snacks for Ralphie to share with his friends.

Point=Kid

Swearing

Dog and cat: You’re in your first real home, a young married couple, and fresh out of the military. You have a mouth like a sailor, but it’s all good, because Mom and Dad are five states away, and they aren’t technologically savvy enough to plant bugs in your house to monitor you from afar. You’re FREE!

You rush to the local rescue group to adopt Fluffy and Kirby, because you know you’re mature enough now, and Mom taught you how to care for your best friends. You pass the home visit with flying colors, and get that exciting call to come pick up your babies.

While driving home with your precious cargo, one of THOSE drivers cuts you off, and then stops right in front of you. “Why, you sonuvabeeyotch! You crazy mothereffer! I’m gonna shove this car so far up your rectum you’ll be spitting steel by suppertime!” you scream, really warming up to your topic.

Then, guiltily, you remember Fluffy and Kirby sitting patiently in the back, hoping this will be their FUREVER home this time—not like that last one.

You give them a tentative smile, and they look back at you with eyes full of hope and love, saying only two words: “Ruff” and “meow.”

Your secret is safe.

Kid: You’ve been in your new home for three years now, and, Thank Dog for your good genes, have managed to pop out a two-fer, TWIN boys! Waahoo! You love spending time with your sons, and regularly take the two year olds with you on jaunts about town.

While driving home with your precious cargo, one of THOSE drivers cuts you off, and then stops right in front of you. “Why, you sonuvabeeyotch! You crazy mothereffer! I’m gonna shove this car so far up your rectum you’ll be spitting steel by suppertime!” you scream, really warming up to your topic.

Then, guiltily, you remember Keenan and Keefer in the back seat, soaking up the atmosphere like the little sponges they are.

You give them a tentative smile, and they look back at you with eyes full of vinegar, and and then at each other, before screaming: “Sumbish! Mavaeffa! Sumbish! Mavaeffa!”

Horrified, you rush home to put on Clifford The Big Red Dog before they memorize the gutter talk you’ve inadvertently taught them, and realize your word salad freedom has come to an end.

Point=Dog & Cat

It’s a Tie!

Foster Doggie Insanity: Tips & Tales to Keep your Kool as a Doggie Foster Parent

Truth be told: I could go on all day with this…and I’m sure you too can think of lots of fun comparisons. For some moms, there will be a definite pro/con list that lands to one side or the other of the pet/kid argument.

Having been lucky enough to birth two humans and become a mom or foster mom for hundreds of dogs and cats during my years of active rescue, I can tell you that, despite my jokes and lamentations, I’ve loved them all.

Now that my daughter is an adult, and I am down to life with one dog and six cats, I can say with some degree of certainty that the human child has become easier.

For example: Today’s Mother’s Day, and I still had to get up and take care of our companions and feed the outside critters, birds and squirrels. My old cat Una still yapped incessantly until he got his morning treats, and the dog still refused to do his business in the rain.

But Bryn got up at five, went to her job at the bakery, then brought me home two cookies and is taking me to dinner. I can drink wine with dinner and know I have a driver to cart my buttocks safely home afterward.

Yet, a cat is snuggled on my lap as I type, and the dog lays contentedly at my feet. And therefore I acknowledge—to the voice in my head that is also me—that I am, indeed, ONE LUCKY MOTHER.

Happy Mother’s Day, from myself and the rest of the authors at Who Chains You Publishing. Whether you’re a mom to humans or to the fur-covered variety, we wish you a little time to sit back, put your feet up, and read a good book today. Here’s to you! http://www.whochainsyou.com.

About the Author

Tamira Thayne is an author, animal activist, and the founder and former CEO of Dogs Deserve Better, a nonprofit organization seeking an end to dog chaining.

She is also the founder of Who Chains You Books, publishing titles for those who believe people—and animals—deserve to be free. She is the author of Foster Doggie Insanity, Happy Dog Coloring Book, Capitol in Chains, The Wrath of Dog, The King’s Tether, and the co-editor of Unchain My Heart and Rescue Smiles.

Tamira lives by a river in the woods of northern Virginia, with her husband, daughter, one dog, six cats, and hundreds of outside birds and critters she adores from afar.