By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Your behavior helps children cope with divorce

As a divorced parent, what lessons and behaviors are you modeling for your children?

The messages you convey will influence your children into adulthood. Here’s valuable advice on leaving a positive imprint as role models for your innocent children during and after divorce. 

Bad things can happen to good people. Divorce is a prime example.  Good people get divorced. Responsible people who are loving parents get caught in the decision to end a loveless or deceitful marriage.

The consequences of that decision can either be life affirming or destroying. It all  depends on how each parent approaches this transition. Parents who are blinded by blame and anger are not likely to learn much through the experience. They see their former spouse as the total problem in their life. Consequently, they believe that getting rid of that problem through divorce will bring ultimate resolution. These parents are often self-righteous about the subject. They give little thought to what part they may have played in the dissolution of the marriage.

Parents at this level of awareness are not looking to grow through the divorce process. They are more likely to ultimately find another partner with whom they have similar challenges or battles. Then, once again, they find themselves caught in the pain of an unhappy relationship.

Take the Self-Reflective Path For Meaningful Insights and Growth

There are others, however, for whom divorce can be a threshold into greater self-understanding and reflection. These parents don’t want to repeat the same mistake. They want to be fully aware of any part they played in the failure of the marriage. Self-reflective people ask themselves questions and search within – often with the assistance of a professional counselor or coach. It helps them understand what they did or did not do and how it affected the connection with their spouse.

These introspective parents consider how they might have behaved differently in certain circumstances. They question their motives and actions to make sure they came from a place of clarity and good intentions. They replay difficult periods within the marriage to see what they can learn, improve, let go of or accept. They take responsibility for their behaviors and apologize for those that were counter-productive. They also forgive themselves for errors made in the past. And, often, can look toward being able to forgive their spouse in the same light.

Being a Role Model and Earning Respect as a Parent

These parents are honest with their children when discussing the divorce – to the age-appropriate degree that their children can understand.They remind their children that both Mom and Dad still, and always will, love them. And they remember their former spouse will always be a parent to their children. So they speak about them with respect around the kids.

By applying what they learned from the dissolved marriage to their future relationships, these mature adults start a momentum. It moves them to recreate new lives in a better, more fulfilling way. From this perspective, they see their former marriage as not a mistake. Instead it becomes a stepping-stone to a brighter future – both for themselves and for their children.  When you choose to learn from your life lessons, they were never experienced in vain. Isn’t this a lesson you want to teach your children?

***     ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children – With Love!  To learn more about her internationally acclaimed ebook, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com/kids. For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, online coaching services and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.