Attentive communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially
when children are involved. Moving on after divorce can also be
challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as
well as with your children.

Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your
marriage. Having seen that relationship fail can make you insecure
about facing new relationships ahead. So take the time to
go within, learn from your mistakes, and understand the lessons from
your marriage. That will help you determine new ways to approach future
relationships. In time you will feel ready to step back out
into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of
breaking the news to your children.

Be Mindful, Sensitive and Empathic!

Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to
talk to them about your starting to date. The rapport you have with
them and closeness within your own relationship with the kids will
also play a part in this difficult conversation.

Remember, your children are smarter than you think. They can pick
up on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to
be honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential
partner into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions
on this topic.

Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about
yourself and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind
them how much you love them and how important they are in your life.

Emphasize that dating has nothing to do with replacing them – ever!
Explain that you will still be the attentive parent you’ve always
been and that they always come first in your life. Be very clear
that no one will ever replace their other parent either!

You may need to have this conversation many times over several
weeks or months. That gives your kids time to digest the concept and
express how they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to
ask questions and share their opinions. Be patient and
understanding of their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

Be Very Selective in Choosing Partners!

Don’t introduce your children to every new person you date. You can
let them know that you are going out with friends every once in a
while, if they ask. But don’t bring causal relationship partners
into their world. This can be confusing for children and
disappointing for them. Especially, if the new partner they meet disappears or
gets replaced a few weeks or months later.

When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare
the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short
intervals together and let the exposure build over time. Ask the
kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your
partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened
by the thought they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger.

How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their
long-term relationship with the children. So be careful,
considerate and empathic in all your actions. Needless to say, make
sure you choose a partner who treats your children well.

Be areare of the other parent’s place in your child’s life

Children who have close relationships with both biological parents
are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives
without distress. Because they feel safe in their relationship with
Mom and Dad, they are less likely to be threatened by a new adult
entering the picture. When one biological parent disrespects and
disparages the other parent, it puts the children on the defensive. That
makes them much more likely to reject a new relationship partner
entering the family dynamic.

So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce.
Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will be
affecting your children. Putting yourself in their place will give
you insight into what it can be like to find Mom or Dad with a new
partner. Talking with a therapist, divorce or relationship coach can be
quite helpful as you transition into this next phase of your life.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach. She’s also the host of the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living podcast. She has written several books,, e-courses and programs on divorce and co-parenting issues. Rosalind provides personal coaching to parents around the world to help them protect their innocent children during and long after divorce. To learn more, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com