The good news this week is that the country is getting ready to open up again. Festivals, outdoor concerts, and sports will soon welcome live audiences. This is big news. So big, that it is awakening 3 trillion cicadas who will soon be joining us for a fun time.

    Cicadas are insects the size of your thumb. Sorta like murder hornets, except cicadas won't kill you, they will just annoy the hell out of you. They will soon be emerging from the ground in 15 states in the midwest and east where they spent the last 17 years hibernating. Now, they are coming out to eat your trees, have sex, and die. They are ugly, destructive, and very noisy, so it will be like 3 trillion politicians with big red eyes invading the land. Cicadas are also edible and can be fried and are said to taste just like crickets.

    The worst part about the cicadas is the noise they generate. It can reach 100 decibels, louder than a power mower. So if you live in a cicada zone, get ready for your personal outdoor concert, coming to a back porch near you.

ONE PLUS ONE EQUALS ZERO

    Arranged marriages are not as fool-proof as you might think. In Mahoba, India, Uttar Pradesh was preparing to wed her pre-arranged partner but was having second thoughts about him. Education is a very important part of an arranged marriage and Uttar had doubts. When the groom showed up at the wedding venue, Uttar said that she had one question to ask him. She asked him to recite the times table of two, and he looked at her with the stare of a dog looking at a ceiling fan. He didn't know the times table of two. 

    When he failed the math test, Uddar left the church, yelling at the groom, "2,4,6,8, this marriage I won't validate."

BABY STORIES

    Lavinia Mounga is a young woman who was on a flight this week from Utah to Honolulu to visit relatives. While the plane was in the air, Lavinia went into labor and delivered a baby boy. Fortunately for her, a doctor and two neonatal nurses were on board and made a successful delivery. The baby was premature but the kicker is that Lavinia didn't even know she was pregnant. Whaaat? How can she not know? Halima Cissi knew she was pregnant.

    Halima is from Mali and knew she was having a baby, she knew she was having 7 of them. But while preforming the caesarean section, doctors found nine babies! That's a whole baseball team. Halima and her litter are all doing well and a Happy Mothers Day to all mothers, whether you knew you were pregnant or not.

FLORIDA FOLLIES

    Emily Grover is a student at Tate High School in Pensacola, Florida who was running for homecoming queen. Her mother Laura Carroll, is the assistant principal at Bellview Elementary School, and she used her access to the school district's student data system to rig the homecoming election for her daughter. Unfortunately they got caught.

    It appears that rigging a homecoming queen election is a big deal in Florida and both women are charged with several third-degree felonies that could put them in prison for 16 years. Best of luck in the annual prison homecoming queen election.