Underestimating Elderly Care Needs
Few adult children, unless they had prior caregiving experience, realize how quickly the expectations of elderly parents can grow when they begin helping out here and there. The best action a caregiver can take if feeling overextended, exhausted, or resentful is to be honest with Mom and Dad.
Many adults struggle to engage in conversations about complex topics or resolve conflicts within families. It may not be easy to tell Mom or Dad that you can no longer do everything you have been doing. Elderly parents can expect too much.
When caregivers procrastinate in holding these discussions, care situations continue to evolve. As time progresses, elderly parents will increasingly require more care.
Without honest discussions, a caregiver may become impatient or angry about having to trade their life and priorities to care for Mom or Dad. When early discussions happen, caregivers can avoid placing themselves in these situations.
Caregivers Doing Too Much
Let’s start with the basics. Most caregivers make themselves constantly available to elderly parents. They answer the phone every time Mom or Dad calls.
Caregivers drive to parents’ homes upon request. For example, the television remote isn’t working, a light bulb has gone out on the front porch, or Mom or Dad needs eggs or milk.
If you have rushed to save the day in the past, you “trained” elderly parents to believe that you will meet their every need right now. Caregivers doing too much are often swept up in busy mode, which is contradictory to thinking about long-term consequences and future planning.
The immediate solution for caregivers is to “retrain” expectations and stop being constantly available for elderly parents. I also recommend creating a caregiver agreement to outline expectations.
Creating a caregiving agreement is an essential step in establishing clear expectations and setting boundaries. If a parent has dementia or another mental disorder that has progressed or prevents an individual from understanding the concept of expectations, boundaries, and participation requirements, creating an agreement may not be possible. A caregiver agreement requires participation by the person receiving care to be successful.
Establish Boundaries: Elderly Parents Will Allow You to Help to Your Detriment
Most caregivers doing too much have not established boundaries or initiated discussions about caregiving tasks, times, or commitments with their elderly parents. If you are in this situation, is it time for a change?
While it would be nice to hear, it’s unlikely elderly parents will say, “Oh, you’re doing too much for me, please stop.” Or “why don’t we hire someone else to do these things so you can live your life?” Or “it’s probably time for me to move into assisted living since caregiving is becoming so time-consuming for you. I can see how caring for me is negatively affecting your life.”
In discussing a caregiver agreement, begin by letting Mom and Dad know that you have more going on in your life than you can manage. You are feeling stressed and are scheduling your time rather than allowing non-scheduled projects to take over.
Create a calendar for your parent that includes projects and tasks you help with, along with the dates you plan to complete them. Do not tell your parents all you will be doing. Otherwise, they may start judging the things you do on your own time, which is your own business. If asked, respond with I have work, family, and other priorities that require my attention.
Doing Too Much? How Caregivers Underestimate and Overcommit to the Care Needs of Elderly Parents
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Respond to Elderly Parent Emotions
If changing a caregiver routine makes elderly parents feel unimportant or less loved, parents must figure out why they feel this way.
If Mom or Dad starts saying things like, You don’t have time for me.” Rather than feeling guilty, you can say, “You’re right. I underestimated the impact of my time spent as a caregiver for you. I am revising my schedule so that I can manage everything I have going on in my life.”
Specific to caregiver agreement and scheduling time on your calendar, end the unscheduled stopovers, phone calls, and text messages at all hours of the day. Let your elderly parents know that you will respond within 24 hours, unless it is an emergency. However, you will want to define emergency so that small things do not become emergencies for a parent.
If Mom or Dad needs help with projects that you can no longer do, suggest they ask one of your siblings, hire a paid caregiver, or find someone else to help with the tasks.
Any tasks that your parents can do for themselves, they should do rather than becoming reliant on you or anyone else.
Create Long-Term Plans and Solutions
It is okay for caregivers doing too much to admit that they underestimated the work of caring for elderly parents. Let loved ones know that helping at the current level is a short-term commitment. A permanent and long-term solution is necessary for care provided by others.
During a caregiver’s transition to doing less, they may need to teach parents how to navigate health and other issues. The idea is to teach parents not to do more for them.
In the area of health, if your elderly parents need more help due to increasing health problems, then discuss their interactions with their primary care doctor. Ideally, this should be a geriatrician, if one is available.
Ensure elderly parents attend regular doctor appointments. Request a list of their health diagnoses and medications so that you have a clear understanding of their health concerns.
Ask your parents if they are following the doctor’s recommendations or ignoring them. You might be surprised at what you hear.
Elderly parents may not fully understand their diagnoses or the reasons they take medications. Being unable to manage health concerns results in elderly parents feeling unwell, being more tired, or complaining about other health issues.
Caregivers can offer support in this area by suggesting that parents schedule a Medicare annual wellness visit. I suggest attending the appointment with your parents in person, by telephone, or by video call.
During these appointments, doctors conduct routine screenings and discuss all aspects of health and wellness, including a review of medications.
Make sure your parents understand their diagnoses and what happens if they don’t follow the doctor’s orders or take actions to prevent health problems from worsening, like exercise and paying more attention to diet. These tasks are their responsibilities, not yours.
Similarly, if you haven’t had an annual physical and aren’t taking care of yourself, do it. Never underestimate the value of proactive and preventative self-care.
Can and Must Dos
Have honest discussions with elderly parents about things they can and must do for themselves to remain independent. If they need more assistance than you can provide, help them interview and hire a caregiver.
Needing care from others who are not family members is part of life. The state of a person’s health is a combination of self-care and proactive care. Learning how to manage health is a process.
By helping elderly parents schedule and attend an annual Medicare Wellness visit you are helping them help themselves so that they can learn what they can and must do to live independently. It’s never too late to learn.
Discuss Finances
Failing to have financial discussions is another area where caregivers can underestimate their elderly parents’ care needs. Are your parents struggling to get by each month, or is there plenty of money to pay the bills and do other things?
Do you know how much money your parents have? Estimates confirm that approximately $200,000 is required after the age of 65 to cover health and health-related expenses. Do your parents have this much money in savings and monthly income?
Combine discussions about the current state of their health and health care costs. This includes medical appointments, co-pays, prescriptions, and any unexpected issues that may arise.
If a parent is diagnosed with dementia or cancer, is there extra money to pay for dementia care or chemotherapy and all of the associated medical appointments and tests?
Being diagnosed with multiple health issues and receiving treatment can be costly, especially if an elderly parent does not have a good health insurance plan or the insurance plan denies care referrals and treatments.
Documentation exists that Medicare Advantage plans deny and delay care to beneficiaries. After all, if an elderly patient dies, it’s less costly for the insurance company.
The health situations of elderly parents and how they might progress, as well as the available funds to pay for care, are important discussions to have so that you do not underestimate their care needs. This way, elderly parents will have a plan in place for how they will care for themselves.
Set Boundaries
The most significant aspect of caregiving that spouses and adult children, who are the majority of caregivers, often overlook is boundary setting and helping others learn how to do things for themselves.
The more you continue to do for the person you care for, the greater their expectations will become unless you have honest conversations.
The reality is that if the person you care for is elderly and has health concerns, they will eventually require more time and care. If you can’t be the person to provide this, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it now. Sooner rather than later.
Rather than underestimating what might be needed in the future for elderly parents and yourself, obtain a clear picture of health and finances. Then address legal issues such as power of attorney and wills, if these haven’t been completed.
Discussing rather than procrastinating, underestimating, or ignoring these areas can pave the way for realistic expectations and discussions about care.
Looking For Help Caring for Elderly Parents? Find the Information, Including Step-by-Step Processes, in Pamela’s Online Program.
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