Caregiver Sibling Resentment
Caregiver sibling resentment occurs when an adult child is heavily involved in caring for elderly parents, while other siblings do not offer to help. A lack of involvement by siblings can be frustrating for the primary caregiver and may also cause problems in the future if these siblings have concerns about how care was provided or how money was spent.
On the other hand, siblings who are overcontrolling and refuse to work with siblings who want to be helpful can be equally challenging. Overcontrolling siblings often feel that they “know better” than their siblings, or they control their elderly parents’ activities contrary to the wishes of the elderly parents. These situations can lead to one or both siblings being involved in litigation over what is best for an elderly parent.
When someone in your family, whom you believe should be helpful or a sibling, does something you do not like that hurts your feelings, you can feel unimportant, betrayed, angry, or resentful.
- Maybe your elderly parent has criticized you all your life.
- Your sibling may have done something unforgivable to you.
- The caregiver sibling is overcontrolling and refuses to allow others to help, or is so exhausted that they are neglecting the needs of an elderly parent.
Resolving these issues can mean baring one’s soul, which can be uncomfortable if siblings don’t trust each other or do not want to show vulnerability. The emotional effort and time required to rebuild a relationship may be more than a sibling is willing to commit.
Relationships are complicated. Maintaining relationships when something goes astray can be challenging if siblings lack emotional intelligence skills.
Resentment and Bitterness Can Destroy Relationships
So what happens? Caregiver sibling resentment and bitterness can creep in. If a sibling moves on with their life and you relive the memory of what you believe a sibling did to you, this memory can eat at you, and you allow this hurt to grow and damage your life. A sibling or another person may not recall the event that hurt you if you never mentioned the issue or tried to speak to them about it.
Similarly, you may have a sibling, family member, friend, or colleague at work who thinks about something you did, and you do not realize it because they did not discuss the interaction with you. In this case, you may be the overcontrolling caregiver who criticizes everything a sibling attempts to do for an elderly parent.
There is an opportunity for resolution when a hurtful event occurs. You might say, “That hurt my feelings, I do not feel good about that, or I am not sure how I feel about that. I want to think about this and talk about it later because this ‘thing’ will bother me.”
It is essential to respond in a way that lets a sibling know you are not okay with what happened. This does not mean that you must resolve the issue immediately. However, a response can inform a sibling that you feel the issue is unfinished business.
Family Relationship Conflicts
Speaking up to resolve disagreements or hurts is especially important in sibling relationships when elderly parents need assistance and ongoing care. One sibling may do all the work and resent other siblings who are not helping — even though the sibling caregiver never asked for help or explained why the help requested was necessary.
In some cases, there may be trust issues with a sibling who is not honest or holds back information. Siblings may not want to deal with other siblings who are argumentative or dramatic, so they refuse to speak with a brother or sister.
This “refusal to deal with” can result from a lack of conflict resolution skills, emotional self-protection, or a dislike for behaviors exhibited by another person that the caregiver dislikes. It can also be a behavior pattern of an overcontrolling caregiver who insists that their way is the right way, regardless of what everyone else in the family thinks.
If you are the disagreeable sibling, maybe a brother or sister has a closer relationship with Mom or Dad, and you are jealous. Your payback is not helping when your sibling asks, or you refuse to offer information.
Maybe you felt your mom or dad helped your brother or sister more than you. Did a sibling live at home longer, or did mom or dad offer more emotional or financial support?
Memories of relationships with parents impact an adult child’s willingness to offer support later in life or to work with siblings to do the same. There are many reasons for caregiver sibling or parental resentment.
Effect of Parental Beliefs on Relationships with Children
No family is perfect—parents model behaviors. However, if you had a parent who was not a good role model, communicator, empathizer, or provider, everyone in your family may struggle to get along. Even if you had the best parents, differences between siblings can still exist.
Additionally, cultural differences can impact family relationships. First-generation parents may attempt to limit their children’s exposure to perceived risk or harm by saying, “We don’t do those things, or you’ll never get that job.”
A parent may pass on their beliefs or experiences to their children. This may mean discouraging a child from going away to college or becoming a doctor, because a parent was not encouraged by their parents to do these things.
As a result, children may rebel in their younger years, move away from home, and later return to be caregivers of parents who attempted to limit their abilities or life possibilities. These adult children can resent their parents.
Siblings who remained at home may resent siblings who dared to leave for other opportunities and lead successful lives.
How to Care for Elderly Parents With Siblings You Deeply Dislike, Resent, or Don’t Trust?
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How to Manage Caregiver Sibling Resentment When Elderly Parents Need Help
Regardless of the reasons you resent a sibling, what are you willing to do to manage through situations where elderly parents need care? Can you put aside your differences, or will you hold onto them?
What are you willing to do to find ways to work with or coordinate information with other siblings?
The focus must be on “willing to do.” Some siblings flat-out refuse to communicate or work with their siblings. This may not be a situation that can be changed. If these refusing siblings hold positional power by being a parent’s attorney-in-fact under power of attorney, another sibling may choose to hire an attorney to litigate concerns, especially if the refusing sibling is harming a parent.
Willingness to Work With Siblings
If you are willing to work with a sibling, the first step in releasing caregiver sibling resentment is to forgive by letting go of resentment, anger, or other negative feelings. If other siblings or even a parent try to pull you back into being angry with a sibling, say, “I’ve let those feelings go. I choose to feel differently. If you want to feel angry or resentful, that is your choice.”
Refuse to allow feelings related to the past control your mind and your life. Your thoughts feed your mind and emotions. Feeding your mind with negative feelings fuels anxiety, fear, and other feelings. Feeding your mind with positive feelings fuels peace, love, contentment, joy, and happiness.
If you hold onto resentment and anger, these feelings can destroy your mind and negatively impact your relationships and life. While you are stuck in negative thinking, others move on with their lives. Your level of resentment increases.
All individuals have a choice if they are willing to think differently. They can let resentment ruin their lives or keep moving toward better things.
If you forgive, you can choose to have a relationship with a sibling you resent while placing boundaries or parameters around the relationship to regain trust.
The Impact of Sibling Resentment on Elderly Parents
For example, “I can do this, but I am not willing to do that.” Or you can refuse to have anything to do with a sibling. No contact may be challenging if both of you see your parents.
Realize it or not, siblings who do not get along place elderly parents in a difficult situation.
Let’s say there are two children in the family. If you do not get along, you probably try to avoid each other when visiting your parents’ house. This means you might ask mom or dad when your sibling visits to avoid those hours or days.
What if you accidentally run into your sibling at Mom or Dad’s house? Will you cause a scene or be the first to leave?
If this is your situation, agree with your sibling to schedule visit times so that you do not have to see each other. Be respectful to your parents by keeping them out of the middle of your battles.
Do not speak to your parents about your brother or sister unless they are present. Stop the gossip and back talk that is disrespectful and divisive. Why burden your parents with problems that are between you and a sibling? By now, you should be at the age where you fight your battles and don’t need Mom or Dad to referee.
Use Technology for Sibling Communication
With technology today, you and a sibling don’t have to be best friends. You can use technology for communication and agree to update an online calendar or calendar system specific to visit times with elderly parents.
Think of today’s workplace. How often do you have “real voice” conversations or virtual meetings? Emailing and texting have replaced in-person communication and sometimes in-person relationships.
Alexa and Siri have replaced the need to talk with humans. Cloud-based computer-generated voices are everywhere. You ask a question and receive an answer from a computer voice.
For older adults who are isolated, Alexa and Siri may be the only contact with a polite voice that responds, especially if family relationships are strained. Technology benefits communication, but in my opinion, it cannot replace human interaction.
So, if caregiver sibling resentment exists and you would rather not have “in-person contact,” figure out how to become connected via technology.
Technology Ground Rules for Working with Siblings
If technology is the communication vehicle rather than person-to-person conversations, it’s a good idea to establish ground rules for response times, frequency of emails, etc. I counsel siblings who complain that a sibling will text them 10 times a day or send 20 emails they do not have time to read, which confirms that dealing with a difficult sibling is not something they want to do.
Frequency and urgency of communication can be a potential issue when one sibling has a demanding job and another has more free time, or is retired. In this case, set time lines for responses and how many inquiries can be sent.
Set reasonable response times. For example, responding within 24 hours or checking and responding to emails on Mondays and Thursdays. Keep your agreement.
Create Workable Relationships
Creating workable relationships with siblings you do not see eye-to-eye with can take effort and at times be frustrating. Look at this experience as an opportunity to learn to get along with difficult people.
Think of your sibling as a supervisor or co-worker you don’t like, but one with whom you must have a relationship to keep a job you love. In this case, the job is to care for your elderly parent.
Beyond using technology and other communication tools, siblings can agree on what information to share. For example, if you don’t live near a parent, do you want to know if they go to the hospital or the dog goes to the vet? Be clear about the information you want to receive to avoid disagreements that begin with “you didn’t tell me that.”
If you are the sibling who moved away from home, be realistic about the fact that your sibling who lives close to mom and dad will likely be appointed power of attorney, trustee, or executor of the estate. While it is possible to fill these roles from afar, it is often challenging when there are day-to-day, ongoing responsibilities, such as taking parents to doctor appointments and coordinating in-home caregivers.
Proximity and practicality are usually why one sibling becomes the primary caregiver and the legal agent when other siblings move away. If this is the situation, find ways to remain involved.
Ask how you can help. Whether you conduct online research on a particular topic, call mom or dad every week, or visit once a year so your sibling caregiver can take a vacation, staying involved can help avoid future disagreements.
Resolve Caregiver Sibling Resentment
When caregiver sibling resentment exists, the longer you allow the resentment to build without having conversations with siblings you may not like, the more challenging it will be to initiate communication. Your sibling may not know how to respond when you contact them to ask about or discuss your elderly parent’s care situation.
This includes communication with step-siblings you may not know very well. For example, mom or dad moves away and remarries. If you don’t live near your parent, a step-sister or step-brother will likely become the primary caregiver or legal representative.
If this is the situation with a remarried parent, do not expect updates or information unless you maintain regular communication and involvement. If you do not, one day you may receive a call from a step-sibling who is finished caring for your parent because their parent has passed away.
While out of sight can be out of mind, family caregiving issues may eventually show up on your doorstep in more ways than one. Caregiving issues between stepfamilies are becoming more common.
Refocus on Planning
Few parents or adult children can predict what will happen when elderly parents need care. The most practical step you can take is to initiate conversations with family members, including parents, siblings, and step-siblings. Focus on planning for the future.
Ask questions and share information in a group. Be transparent. Ask your parents to write their wishes to avoid family conflict later. To reduce conflict, avoid side conversations that exclude others in the family.
I help adult children and aging parents have these conversations and plan for the future. Sometimes, aging parents want to talk, and adult children are uninterested. Or the opposite, adult children want to talk, and aging parents are resistant.
Avoiding family care conversations is like kicking the can down the road. Eventually, a roadblock arises that the family must deal with, such as a health event or a diagnosis of memory loss.
Timing Can Be Important to Avoid Planning in Crisis
The timing of family caregiving conversations is especially relevant if there is a history of Alzheimer’s Disease in the family and suspicions about a parent’s memory loss. The parent who is the caregiver may be in denial about the health situation of their spouse, your mom, dad, or step-parent.
Planning 3 to 5 years is practical and necessary to avoid unexpected problems.
As children learn how to prepare for difficult conversations, talking early and often can help manage time and stress levels. Knowing whether your parents expect you to be their caregiver versus a sibling is vital to help you plan for your future.
It is essential to know what parents want in terms of care, where they wish to live, and whether they have the financial means to pay for care. There is no need to be the adult child shocked by a parent’s expectation about your role in the family when a need for care arises.
Communication is Critical for “Only” Caregivers
A son, daughter, or an only child often finds themselves as the solution to a parent’s problem when early conversations about expectations did not happen. If you are the only caregiver, caregiving responsibilities can lead to high-stress, high-conflict situations.
While states have filial responsibility laws, they may not be widely enforced due to government programs such as Medicaid. Only caregivers benefit from researching alternative options for caring for elderly parents.
In any situation where caregiver sibling resentment exists, let go of the past, find a way to work together, and communicate about a parent’s care. Be transparent to rebuild trust when resentment previously existed.
In families where elderly parents and adult children are estranged, re-establishing relationships based on a need for care may not be realistic or possible. If you are an adult child in this situation, you are not obligated to care for a parent who did not provide or care for you.
Looking For Help Caring for Elderly Parents? Find the Information, Including Step-by-Step Processes, in Pamela’s Online Program.
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