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Calm, Cool, and Collected: Communication in Conflict
From:
Dr. Maynard Brusman - Emotional Intelligence & Mindful Leadership Dr. Maynard Brusman - Emotional Intelligence & Mindful Leadership
For Immediate Release:
Dateline: San Francisco, CA
Wednesday, April 20, 2022

 

Calm, Cool, and Collected: Communication in Conflict

How do you remain calm, cool, and collected when conflicts escalate?

We've all been there: encountering someone in a fit of road rage; a neighbor upset about another neighbor's transgression; dealing with a beloved toddler in the middle of a melt-down. Typically, we ignore such bad behavior, waiting for it to resolve itself. But, these may be prime opportunities to practice de-escalation techniques and communication skills.

Generally speaking, we trust that our co-workers are capable of resolving conflicts and able to avoid crisis in the workplace. If a situation does escalate, equipped and available managers step in. But consider this: according to the most recent report by the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH), over 20,000 workers experienced trauma from workplace violence in 2018.

How does this happen?

Conflict Escalation

Multiple factors can escalate a situation, including:

  • Physical: Pain/illness, sleep deprivation, low blood sugar/dehydration, prescription changes
  • Mental or cognitive: Unhelpful thoughts/thinking patterns, negative perceptions, critical inner voice
  • Emotional: Pre-existing mood disorders, past trauma, etc.
  • Social: Lack of healthy support network, isolation
  • Environmental: Visual or auditory triggers, audience
  • Spiritual: Sense of connection to higher power or that which offers hope, faith, purpose

While a crisis is not typically caused by one event, there is often a tipping point. Most common is the death of a significant other, loss of a relationship, loss of work, homelessness, or cabin fever. A crisis occurs when people perceive that they have encountered insurmountable obstacles to their goals, their life cycle or routine is significantly disrupted, and they have no appropriate method to manage their situation. In other words, they believe they have no way through, around, or out of their perceived situation.

Communication in Conflict: Shift Your Goals

Whenever emotions are involved, communication can get tricky. It happens often: at home, in public, and at work. When people disagree, feel un-heard, or feel invalidated, a conversation can go off track.

The goals of the communication shift to de-escalation can be summarized into three objectives:#0160;

  1. Gain equilibrium/stabilization
    • This may involve identifying and removing anything that reinforces aggressive behavior.
    • Help the other party(s) identify reasons to calm down.
  2. Cognitive
    • Help the other party gain control of their thoughts (and behavior).
    • Help the other party gain a sense of control.
  3. Psychosocial
    • Assess internal and external exacerbating and mitigating factors.
    • Identify and choose workable alternatives.

It's important to remember that not everyone responds the same way to threats or a crisis. For example, they might be in a flight, fight, or freeze mode, or a combination in a wide variety of degrees. There is no one "normal" range of behaviors.

De-escalation requires self-awareness of our own perceptions and assumptions, and a curious, non-judgmental mindset. Here are a few techniques that can help.

8 De-escalation Techniques

#0160;

  1. Be professional, and respect personal space. This can vary from person-to-person, so be sensitive to physical, confidential, and social-distance space.
  2. Use non-threatening body language: stand-to -side, rather than square to other. Speak in a calm, quiet, and low(er) tone.
  3. Focus on feelings. Listen, watch, and reflect. "It sounds like you are feeling…"
  4. Set limits. Help identify options, choices, and consequences.
  5. Ignore challenging questions. Avoid taking the bait.
  6. Choose wisely in stretching rules, boundaries, and battles.
  7. Allow for time.
  8. Be empathetic and non-judgmental.

Communication in Conflict: Trust the Process

While there are no quick fixes when communicating during conflict, you can trust a proven process.

In Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World (Sounds True, October 2019), Christian Conte, PhD, shares his philosophy and evidence-based model for change called Yield Theory. This framework is designed to help anyone see the world from the perspective of another with empathy, compassion, and non-attachment, replacing any ego-driven perception of a situation (or person in a heightened emotional state).

As Conte describes it, Yield Theory Compassion is the "cornerstone of communication." It allows leaders, managers, and colleagues to de-escalate and work through conflict without aggression or submission.

According to Conte, practicing Yield Theory involves a "constant navigation toward the position of the other" through three steps:

  1. Listen: hear what is being said, verbally and non-verbally.
  2. Validate: validate the feelings of the person in a heightened emotional state. Validation is only effective (and has occurred) if the subject feels validated.
  3. Explore Options: explore all options and consequences of each option. Persons in a heightened emotional state often have a narrow focus, a type of tunnel vision. This is the time to introduce a macro-vision, a wider range of options, and allow for choice in behavior or actions. In essence, you are creating a safe-space that de-escalates a situation.

7 Communication Skills

This process relies on seven key communication skills to build trust:

  1. Acceptance: be accepting of others and yourself (strengths, limits, and emotional/cognitive states).
  2. Authenticity: be true to yourself in order to be truly available to others.
  3. Compassion: be aware and understand how others are feeling.
  4. Conscious education: check-in and monitor your physical being to prevent transferring internal stress into external accusation.
  5. Creativity: be open, curious, and of a growth mindset.
  6. Mindfulness: be mindfully and totally present. Avoid the five errors of communication:
    1. Approach: be self-aware of tone, non-verbal cues, space, etc.
    2. Interpretation: be aware of cultural differences, opportunities to project, blind-spots/bias, etc.
    3. Judgment
    4. Language
    5. Omnipotence
  7. Nonattachment: let go of any pre-determined outcomes to achieve the de-escalation goals. Be responsible and accountable for self and don't take statements personally.

Communication in Conflict: If, When, and How

Attempting to intervene in a situation of road rage is never a good idea. It's best to contact the authorities when it is safe to do so. Any situation involving a weapon (be it a car or any deadly object) should be managed by a trained specialist.

Then there are the situations when our emotions have exceeded our rationality. It happens with people we don't know and people we know well: colleagues, friends, neighbors, and family. This is when a conflict can quickly escalate; we get hooked by our natural mimic reflex making it more difficult to disengage. In that case, walking away or postponing the conversation may be the best option.

Do's

Here are a few tips to use this method of de-escalation and strengthen the relationship:

  • Take a physical step aside. Visualize insults passing by, missing you.
  • Talk about the process, not about the message. "I hear you are angry. I feel angry. I don't want to raise my voice with you as it won't be productive. I need to take a break. Can we talk about this at ___ (time)." If you need more time to gain your equilibrium, ask for it.
  • Meet as agreed. Focus on common goals or interests.

Don'ts

  • Don't ignore anger (yours or others), rather acknowledge it.
  • Don't take someone else's anger personally. Even if it is about you, recognize your own feelings about the issue, and remain calm (non-attached.)
  • Don't feed someone's anger by trying to stop it, rather, create a safe place to properly voice feelings.

Workplace Conflicts and Crisis

Every employer should have a Workplace Violence Prevention Plan tailored for their organization. A robust plan reflects their type of business/service and the clients they serve, resources, physical layout, organizational culture, and communication and training expectations. While it may be uncomfortable or unpleasant, all employees should participate in periodic violence prevention training to strengthen their knowledge and confidence.

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist amp; Executive Coach

Trusted Leadership Advisor

Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant

San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

mbrusman@workingresources.com

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths - Maximizer,#0160;Learner, Ideation, Strategic,#0160;Individualization#0160;

VIA Character Strengths - Love of#0160;Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery,#0160;Gratitude, Appreciation of#0160;Beautyamp;Excellence??

I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

Transformational leaders can create a full engagement culture driven by purpose and passion by working with an executive coach and culture change expert. The investment is well worth the reward: your ability to influence the future, your career and your personal-development capabilities.

Are you working in a company where executive coaches provide leadership development to help leaders put positive leadership into action? Does your organization provide executive coaching for leaders, who need to build a company culture built on trust? Transformational leaders tap into their emotional intelligence and social intelligence skills to create a more fulfilling future.

One of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself is “Am I a transformational leader who inspires individuals and organizations to achieve their highest potential, flourish at work, experience elevating energy and achieve levels of effectiveness difficult to attain otherwise?” Emotionally intelligent and socially intelligent organizations provide executive coaching to help leaders create a culture where respect and trust flourish.

Working with a seasoned executive coach and leadership consultant trained in emotional intelligence and incorporating assessments such as the Bar-On EQ-I, CPI 260 and Denison Culture Survey can help leaders nurture mindful conversations in the workplace. You can become an inspiring leader who models emotional intelligence and social intelligence, and who inspires people to become fully engaged with the vision, mission and strategy of your company or law firm.

Working Resources is a San Francisco Bay Area Executive Coaching and Mindful Leadership Firm Helping Innovative Companies and Law Firms Develop, Coach, Engage and Retain Emotionally Intelligent Leaders who produce results.

...About Dr. Maynard Brusman

Dr. Maynard Brusman

Consulting Psychologist and Executive Coach|
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Mindfulness & Emotional Intelligence Workplace Expert

Dr. Maynard Brusman is a consulting psychologist and executive coach. He is the president of Working Resources, a leadership consulting and executive coaching firm. We specialize in helping San Francisco Bay Area companies develop and grow emotionally intelligent leaders. Maynard is a highly sought-after speaker and workshop leader. He facilitates leadership retreats in Northern California and Costa Rica. The Society for Advancement of Consulting (SAC) awarded Dr. Maynard Brusman "Board Approved" designations in the specialties of Executive Coaching and Leadership Development.

“Maynard Brusman is one of the foremost coaches in the United States. He utilizes a wide variety of assessments in his work with senior executives and upper level managers, and is adept at helping his clients both develop higher levels of emotional intelligence and achieve breakthrough business results. As a senior leader in the executive coaching field, Dr. Brusman brings an exceptional level of wisdom, energy, and creativity to his work.” — Jeffrey E. Auerbach, Ph.D., President, College of Executive Coaching

For more information, please go to http://www.workingresources.com, write to mbrusman@workingresources.com, or call 415-546-1252.

Are you an executive leader who wants to be more effective at work and get better results?

Did you know that research has demonstrated, that the most effective leaders model high emotional intelligence, and that EQ can be learned? It takes self-awareness, empathy, and compassion to become a more emotionally intelligent leader. 

Emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders inspire people to become fully engaged with the vision and mission of their company.  Mindful leadership starts from within.

I am a consulting psychologist and executive coach. I believe coaching is a collaborative process of providing people with the resources and opportunities they need to self manage, develop change resiliency and become more effective. Utilizing instrumented assessments - clients set clear goals, make optimal use of their strengths, and take action to create desired changes aligned with personal values.

I have been chosen as an expert to appear on radio and TV, MSNBC, CBS Health Watch and in the San Francisco Chronicle, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Time and Fast Company.

Over the past thirty-five years, I have coached hundreds of leaders to improve their leadership effectiveness.

After only 6 months, one executive coaching client reported greater productivity, more stress resiliency, and helping her company improve revenues by 20%. While this may depend on many factors most of my clients report similar satisfaction in their EQ leadership competence leading to better business results.

You can choose to work with a highly seasoned executive coach to help facilitate your leadership development and executive presence awakening what’s possible. 

For more information, please go to http://www.workingresources.com, write to mbrusman@workingresources.com, or call 415-546-1252.

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Dateline: San Francisco, CA United States
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