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Beware of The Cicadas and Watch for Counterfeit Vaseline.
Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker
Chicago, IL
Friday, June 4, 2021



    It's June! Remember June? We had one two years ago and it's good to see it back again. The weather is getting warmer, the sun is shining, and this year I believe we can even go outside and breathe fresh air without a mask. Be careful if you inhale too deeply though, because we are supposed to see a big storm of cicadas any day now, and you don't want to get one of those buggers caught in your throat. Although, they are edible.

    During cicada seasons, many people decide to eat the bugs as a different source of protein in many recipes. But this week the FDA warned people with seafood allergies not to eat cicadas because they are in the same family as shrimp and lobster. What kind of family is this? Cicadas must be the drunken uncles who wake up every so ofter, burp, fart, and fall back asleep. 

    I don't care if you eat cicadas or not, after all, many of us still eat hot dogs and we don't know what kind of critter of which they are comprised. This week's Funnies are comprised of chortles, laughs, and some bits of information.



    A 26-year-old Canadian woman is in trouble with the law for selling two polar bear skulls to an undercover agent. Vanessa Rondeau owns the Old Cavern Boutique in Montreal, a store that sells oddities of all kinds including crocodile feet, antelope antlers and shark jaws. Unfortunately, selling polar bear skulls is illegal and violates the Endangered Species Act, so instead of selling them in her store, she advertised her skulls on Facebook.     

    She is currently in a Canadian jail and will face trial as soon as twelve polar bears are rounded up for the jury.


    This week's Dumbass was so obvious that two Funnies fans submitted the story. Donna Earl and Dan Kazmer both alerted me to the case of a drunken 19-year-old male in Milwaukee. Granted, this description covers a lot of ground but this man was so drunk that he broke into an Air B&B he found in downtown Milwaukee and promptly passed out on one of the beds. 

    He was found the next morning by the three out-of-town sherif's deputies who had rented the property. We woke up wearing handcuffs and explained that he was just drunk and didn't know where he was. 

    The officers removed the cuffs and let the young man free but not before they took a picture with him after they drew a mustache and glasses on him with permanent marker when he was asleep. Criminal justice.


    We have a problem in this country with drug smuggling, but in Dubai they just busted a huge shipment of counterfeit Vaseline. A shipment of 17,280 packs of counterfeit Vaseline worth $100,000 was intercepted by the Dubai Customs Intelligence Department who said they work diligently to prevent any counterfeit products from entering the country.

    When asked how they knew the Vaseline was counterfeit, the authorities simply said, "There was sand in it."

As The Professional Summarizer I add a new dimension to your next meeting - especially the virtual ones we all have now.

I listen to the entire meeting and pay attention to every detail. Then I report back to the audience on what they should have learned in the form of a comedy monologue.

What I did with this week's news I can do for your meeting.

News Media Interview Contact
Name: Dale Irvin
Title: Professional Summarizer
Dateline: Downers Grove, IL United States
Direct Phone: 630-235-2038
Cell Phone: 630-235-2038
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