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Attention Hair Collectors
Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker Dale Irvin -- Very Funny Speaker
Chicago, IL
Thursday, September 9, 2021


    We made it through Labor Day and can now turn our attention to Halloween. Due to the resurgence of COVID-19 the most popular costume for trick-or-treaters this year looks like it will be the hazmat suit. 

    When things look grim, it's always good to seek out those upon whom we can vent our collective spleens. An auction house in Los Angeles recently sold a jar of Elvis Presley's hair for $72,500. The hair was collected from his barber who swept it off the floor and kept it in a plastic bag all these years, until somebody saw it and said, "Hey, I bet some sap would buy this." In light of this, I have begun collecting my own hair from the shower drain every day, and will put it in a jar for sale. Opening bid is one bitcoin, and while I don't know what a bitcoin looks like, I can recognize weirdos a mile away. I brought them up close for you in today's Friday Funnies.


    British surgeon, Dr. Karan Rajan has brought flatulence freedom to the world. He claims that if you hold in a fart for too long, it can be reabsorbed into your bloodstream and breathed out when you exhale. In other words, you could get fart breath.

    To avoid this, Dr. Rajan urges people to rip a good one whenever they can. He said the average person produces enough methane to fill an average balloon, so if you fart into a ballon all day, tie it off and let it go and it will float away. Problem solved.


    In Dunedin, Florida, police dealt with a standoff for over 6 hours. They dealt with 18-year-old Myles Abbott who had climbed onto a house roof and pointed a gun at police. While they were trying to talk him down, 28-year-old Jessica Smith got in a golf cart and drove it toward the standoff. Oh yeah, she was naked. Police tried to stop her and were finally able to pull her out of the cart and handcuff her. The police said the naked woman had a distinct odor of alcohol. I don't know what happened to the teen on the roof, but a bystander reported that when police put the woman in the car, she heard him say, "Mom?"


    Pot holes are a problem for southwest Florida business owner Bryan Raymond, but he found a green solution. Since his business is on a private street, business owners are responsible for its upkeep, including the filling of potholes. Bryan got tired of constantly patching the pothole in front of his business so he planted a banana tree in it. This is a great idea and saves cars from hitting potholes. It also keeps the speed limit down, and discourages drunk driving, PLUS, there's bananas.

    Meanwhile, in Minnesota, a farmer is getting ready for Halloween by offering the world's only Hemp Maze. Instead of cornfields, Ted Galaty's 2-acre maze is carved out of his hemp field. If you are not familiar with hemp, it is the cousin of marijuana, the cousin who is not much fun but more useful. Industrial hemp is grown for its fiber, and is totally legal. But this got me thinking. 

    What if one of the major legal marijuana farms offered the same thing. The maze would be carved out of the cannabis field and wouldn't take much space because the participants would just go round and round until they got hungry. "Dude, follow my voice. I'm over here…by the plants."

As The Professional Summarizer I add a new dimension to your next meeting - especially the virtual ones we all have now.

I listen to the entire meeting and pay attention to every detail. Then I report back to the audience on what they should have learned in the form of a comedy monologue.

What I did with this week's news I can do for your meeting.

News Media Interview Contact
Name: Dale Irvin
Title: Professional Summarizer
Dateline: Downers Grove, IL United States
Direct Phone: 630-235-2038
Cell Phone: 630-235-2038
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