An Alligator By The Tail ? Confronting Conflict Creatively

onflict is a universal phenomenon. It happens in every culture, amongst people of all ages, in all aspects of life. It plays no favourites amongst rich, poor, men, women, adults, children, young or old.

So what do people fight about?

1. ?Things? ? money, property, parking spaces, office space ? things that we can see, touch, handle and trade.

2. Relationships ? where personalities just seem to rub the wrong way ? different backgrounds, different styles of doing things, or just different likes and dislikes.

3. Structures and information - unclear job descriptions or poorly defined expectations can create confusion and stress. Information is power and when there is unequal access to information conflict follows

4. Values, beliefs and traditions - These are the tough ones to handle because our beliefs and values are the things that define who we are as individuals, families, and cultures.

Conflict can bring out the worst in people. We see conflict as negative, bad, painful, evil, stressful, hurtful, and definitely something to be avoided?. And so often when we experience a serious conflict our stomachs get tied up in knots, our blood pressure goes up, we get sweaty palms, a headache, a tight throat, a pounding pulse, and an overwhelming urge to either run as far as we can from the issues or to wade in, do damage and win at all costs.

However, conflict does not have to be negative. We tend to overlook many of the positive aspects to conflict. There is incredible power in conflict, that, when used constructively can be a tremendous source of energy for change. Conflict can be an opportunity to clear the air, clarify positions, explore issues, be creative in finding solutions, in other words ? it?s a chance for growth. Nothing in this world ever changes without conflict in some form.

So, there is a decision to be made - whether we want to look at conflict as an opportunity or a ?win at all costs no matter who gets hurt? horror show.

I was once told that there are three sides to every story ? mine, yours and what really happened.

Different perspectives are not about who is right and who is wrong. In the story of the Three Little Pigs, we hear the pig?s view of the ?big, bad wolf?. In the book The TRUE Story of the Three Llittle Pigs by Jon Scieszka we hear the wolf?s perspective. You guessed it - the wolf and the pigs tell very different tales about what happened that day.

The challenge comes not in trying to determine who was right and who was wrong or who was to blame. It is in trying to understand the various factors that have contributed to the evolution of the current reality and then figure out how to repair the harm that has been done and restore the relationships so that the wolf and the pigs can live side by side in their neighbourhood.

What can we do to deal constructively with the conflict around us?

We can:

1.      Acknowledge that it is there ? trying to bury it alive will not make it go away!

2.      Try to look at it objectively and put ourselves in the other person?s shoes ? the best solutions meet everyone?s needs

3.      Listen, listen and then listen some more ? most conflicts are the result of misunderstandings, miscommunication and assumptions based on inaccurate or partial facts

4.      Recognise that we can?t really listen, and plan what we are going to say next at the same time.

5.      Be HARD on the problem and SOFT on the people ? stick to the issues and leave the personalities and the baggage out of the discussions

6.      Plan how to confront the issue ? be CONSTRUCTIVE, open, co-operative and flexible

7.      Be willing to BE confronted

8.      Recognise that it took more than one person to create the problem in the first place - very seldom is the responsibility ALL on one side!

9.      Remember that YOURS is the only mind you can read accurately ? Use ?I? statements to speak for yourself

10.  IF you are wrong ? admit it and if you are right ? don?t make a big deal about it!

11.  Hold the thought ? We never make ourselves look bigger or better by knocking someone else down

12.  Even when you are stressed and upset, ask yourself ?What would my grandmother want me to do now??

What to do when none of this works?

It takes commitment from all the parties to resolve a conflict. There are times when the conflict is so deep, feelings are hurt, emotions are running rampant and it is not possible for the parties to work things out on their own. There is help available. When the parties to a conflict recognise that they have not been successful in resolving the dispute on their own, they can ask a third party to act as a mediator.

What happens in mediation?

The mediator will:

-         Meet with each party individually to introduce the process ? answer questions, learn about the conflict, explain the Contract to Mediate and set a time for the mediation.

At the mediation the mediator will:

-         Discuss the process, the issue of confidentiality, have the parties sign the Contract to Mediate and answer questions

-         Invite each party to tell their story ? while the other parties listen without interrupting

-         Work to ensure that everyone understands the other parties? perspective ? even if they don?t agree with it!

-         Help the parties explore the important issues in the conflict and the relationship, and identify the needs and interests of the parties

-         Assist the parties to recognise any areas of agreement that exist explore areas of disagreement

-         Facilitate the creation of an agreement that is satisfactory to all the parties.

The mediator will NOT:

-         Make any judgment as to who is to blame, who is right or who is wrong

-         Tell parties what to do or how to resolve the conflict

In the midst of a serious conflict, it can feel like we are in the jaws of an alligator but it is possible to get the alligator by the tail and come out intact! There is a tremendous cost to leaving a conflict unresolved and huge benefits to our quality of life when we work to resolve it. Good luck in working to deal constructively with whatever faces you!