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9 Ways To Stop Trying To 'Save' The Lost Souls You Always Seem To Attract
Susan Allan -- The Marriage Forum Susan Allan -- The Marriage Forum
For Immediate Release:
Dateline: Santa Barbara, CA
Saturday, October 21, 2023



Your inner voice tells you, “I can save them! I’m the one they need!”. The thousand-yard stare pulls you into their orbit. You are tempted to take them home for some lengthy R-and-R to help soothe their suffering, but this is hazardous territory. I have been down the rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland, and it’s as dangerous as it is exhausting. Many of us have tried to rescue someone and barely escaped with our lives.

When you commit to a relationship you are taking on all their problems, too. If you discover serious issues that you are unwilling to own, that’s a reminder to leave. Otherwise, you might end up in worse shape than they are in because no one but certified lifeguards should ever jump in the pool with a drowning swimmer. Consider, too; do you know if this person is a drowning swimmer or a shark? Even psychologists and psychiatrists let other professionals heal their family members and friends, no matter how tempting it looks to try to save them.

If you are extremely empathetic and have attempted to rescue a traumatized person before, ask your friends to remind you of the outcome of the last time you jumped into the metaphorical pool to save someone. What did it cost you? How long did it take you to recover?

Trust me, you don't need to save them from their broken hearts or lives. Feel free to save your compassion for friends who are open to it and step away from the poolside before you dive into the deep end with someone who lacks sufficient skills to reciprocate.

Before their magnetism has you flying into their arms, please stop for a few minutes and focus on what YOU need in a relationship. You probably have ended at least one romance, so check your history and friends’ stories for proof of the times you jumped into the pool without checking for sharks. What did that do to your health, happiness, and financial stability?

Ask yourself, "What do you know about them?"

Open yourself to seeing the truth, and please take careful notes because you don’t want to slide into denial about something as important as your future. Don't worry, you don't have to go it alone, I'm sharing a helpful list to get you started. 

9 ways to stop struggling to 'save' a person whom you think needs rescuing

1. Ask yourself what you know

Have you taken the time to gather enough information about them before contemplating letting them “in”?

2. Know what you want

Are you looking for a place to give away your loving feelings because you feel lonely, or do you have evidence they deserve you?

Pause for a few minutes before you answer. After you’ve let yourself absorb this self-awareness, answer.

3. Decide what to share

Are they living a life you want to share, and would they easily fit into your life? Could you be vulnerable and safe with them?

4. Stop looking for a fixer-upper

Do they demonstrate the life skills you now possess that allow you to be happy, peaceful, and successful most of the time? Or are they another crumbling fixer-upper that will take time and too many resources?

5. Consider your shelf-life and sell-by date

America is a youth-oriented culture, so men and women are assigned different shelf lives during which society deems them the most desirable to potential partners. When you hit the “expiration date”, some people will consider you much less desirable. That's their loss and your gain since they have saved you time.

If you are a woman, you can find a partner later in life, but it can be more difficult! However, a healthy, self-supporting man becomes more desirable after 60 because the field becomes smaller. Therefore, you must ask yourself, how much time can I spend on this candidate if I want to become happily married by a specific year?

6. Save your own life

“Lifesaving” also means saving your own life. Lifeguards are trained so they don’t get drowned by the person they are rescuing. If you’re a person who has codependent tendencies, this is also a dangerous path for you. I created my career as a Life Coach by productively applying my empathy.

The shift to helping people transform their lives with proven tools, skills, and support is different from inviting a tornado to live inside your home. If that is your habit, please shift to focusing on yourself and your goals.

Some abusers may act helpless or like they "need" you in order to survive, but this is just manipulation and you deserve better. 

To read the full article please enjoy here:

Susan Allan's Yourtango blog to 9 Ways to stop Trying to Save Lost People

Susan Allan’s Heartspace® The Marriage Forum Inc. 805-695-8405   818-314-1200

Introduction to Susan Allan and Life Mastery Training  LearnDesk


Nonviolent Communication® expert           Certified Mediator The Divorce Forum®  

Dating, Marriage, Reconciliation, Peaceful no-court Divorce, Avoiding Domestic Violence


https://www.youtube.com/user/susanallan2001  275 videos



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Name: Susan Allan
Group: The Marriage Forum Inc.
Dateline: Santa Barbara, CA United States
Direct Phone: 805-695-8405
Main Phone: 805-695-8405
Cell Phone: 818-314-1200
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