Being productive at work. Keeping up with healthy habits and household chores. Communicating well with others. Almost everything we want to do requires a measure of self-control. Easier, more-satisfying-in-the-moment options are very tempting. We could put off writing that email, ditch the workout, ignore the laundry pile, snarl at our partner, and zone out by binge-watching the latest show. But if we choose those easier options too often, it can get in the way of our longer-term concerns.

The term "self-control" has some unfortunate connotations. It conjures an image of someone who is rigid, buttoned-up, and no fun. It seems unpleasant and effortful. It feels forced.

We might be able to get through a particular task with white-knuckled willpower, but that's not a sustainable strategy.

Real self-control isn't about forcing ourselves to do something we don't want to do. It's about choosing to act in ways that fit our values and setting things up so we're more likely to follow through, no gritted teeth required. Here are some possibilities.

1. Set up the situation for success

Situational control is always easier than self-control. How can you set up your environment to make it more likely you’ll do what you want to do? This might include going directly to the gym after work, setting a timer to signal you to start an activity, or removing distractions or other temptations.

2. Replace the undesired behavior

It’s usually easier to replace a behavior than to stop it. Make a specific plan for what you’d like to do instead of the habit you’re trying to break. For instance, if you’re trying to stop biting your nails, have hand lotion nearby that you can apply, take up knitting, or find a sensory-pleasing fidget to keep your hands busy. If you’re trying not to yell at your kids, maybe make yourself drink a glass of water before you respond when you’re feeling heated, to slow down your response.

3. Harness self-talk

Too often, when we’re trying to have self-control, we resort to beating ourselves up in our minds. That’s not helpful or kind. More useful self-talk might be to remind yourself why this action matters to you or to give yourself an encouraging pep talk: You’ve done hard things before, you can do this! It won’t last forever! You’ll feel so good afterward! You may want to write yourself a note with encouraging self-talk and stick it somewhere you’ll see it to remind you about what you want to do and why.

4. Focus on progress, not perfection

Sometimes, when we’re aiming for self-control, we set our standards too high. Then we feel discouraged when we fall short. What would you recommend to a friend in your situation? What baby step could you take in the direction you want to go that seems absolutely doable? Start there and build on your success. Little bits of progress can add up in important ways.

5. Don’t do it alone

I often remind clients (and myself) that we don’t get any extra points for doing life the stupid, hard, alone way.

How could you involve others in supporting your goals? Sometimes, just talking about your plans with others can help reinforce your commitment to them. Sometimes, more directly involving someone who cares about you in reminding you or doing an activity with you can make it easier, less overwhelming, and more enjoyable. For instance, you could talk with a colleague about the project you’re struggling with, invite a friend over to help you clear out your closet, meet a buddy for an early morning walk, or come up with an agreed-upon hand signal with your partner that you can both use to pause a conversation that’s getting painful.

Self-control is not about self-denial or self-punishment. It’s about our personal values, choices, and growth, along with a healthy dose of practical strategies and support.