Some of my blogs have investigated the special challenges working divorced women face. Here are 5 creative solutions for the most common divorced working mom issues.

While the harrowing experience of divorce is tough on all parties involved, women face special challenges. Most divorced working moms must juggle financial constraints, parenting and childcare, relationships, and self-care. In many cases, it’s the mother who has primary physical custody of the children. Some have been stay-at-home moms for years; with little work history or secondary education if she married young, or with an outdated and dusty resume. In addition to worries over money, tension or conflict with an ex-spouse may be running high, bringing stress or anxiety to mom and kids alike. Where should a single mom even begin, considering the many overwhelming responsibilities she now faces?

Self-care and providing emotional stability for the family is a good foundation on which to build. Other things may still need immediate attention (basic sustenance) or working out legalities (visitation, alimony or child support), but it’s easier to deal with those details when you’re calm and rested, and after you’ve set healthy guidelines for yourself to follow. How you respond to events and circumstances sets the tone for a positive relationship with your kids, giving them a sense of security. How you take care of yourself teaches them how to take care of themselves.

Here are some creative solutions for common challenges divorced working moms face:

Ditch the Victim Mentality.

You might have been unfairly treated or worse, and you deserve a period of grieving and, yes, feeling sorry for yourself. Everyone has their own timetable for expressing grief. But it isn’t healthy to stay in that place of self-pity. Start believing in yourself. You are worthy, capable, and strong whether you feel like it or not. You become what you think you are, so stop the negative self-talk and replace it with a regimen of positive affirmations (see link below). When you begin to get down on yourself, reverse course and say, “I’m an overcomer. I can handle this. I will succeed.." 

Start looking for a job, or a better job in person, not just online. Enjoy your children when they’re home instead of stressing out about them. Make new friends. For example, meet-ups are a good place to start finding people of like-mind and spirit (as long as you don’t use the groups to dump or sanction your self-pity). Try a new hobby or sport that your kids might like, too.

Stop the Trash Talk.  

Regardless of how destructive your marriage was or how toxic your ex may have been, it’s time to stop berating him, especially in front of your young children and teens. If Dad was a jerk or cheated on you or treated you badly, they will discover it for themselves soon enough. If you conduct yourself circumspectly and reasonably while Dad is trash talking about you to the kids, it strengthens your position in the long-term, and you will be the one who gains their respect.

Stopping the trash talk doesn’t mean making excuses for your ex or giving him a “free pass." for bad or abusive behavior. It means addressing the issues honestly and matter-of-factly without the personal attacks.

Children deeply identify with their parents, and when one parent says that the other is a “no-good so-and-so,." it hurts the children on a personal level. Don’t make them choose sides. As they gain maturity and experience over time, they will learn to love and appreciate you for your decorum. 

Curb the Control Freak. 

Divorce may have been a mutual decision or it may have been thrust upon you against your wishes. In either case, you’ve felt out of control of your life ever since. Yet you must face it. Accept it. You can’t control everything. And that’s okay. The more control you try have, the quicker it will slip through your fingers. The only thing you truly have control over is your yourself and your reactions to circumstances. Instead of freaking out, try a walk, listen to music, finger paint, or take up boxing.

You cannot control how your ex treats you; but you can set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate. You cannot control what other people believe about you; but you can choose to rise above their criticism. You cannot control all the challenges that come your way; but you can control whether to be victimized or victorious. Take control of the things you can and let go of the rest. 

Set Realistic Expectations. 

Cut yourself some slack. No one, not even women with great marriages, is able to “do it all.." Raising kids is challenging, for all moms. Having a great job can still be exhausting. People whom you admire and appear to “have it all together." have problems. Their problems might be different than yours, but they are still problems. You’re going to have successes and you’re going to have setbacks. Celebrate your successes and achievements, and don’t beat yourself up for not meeting your own or someone else’s expectations. It’s okay to not be great at everything! Learn from your mistakes, improve upon the things you’d like to continue with, and find three affirmations you can repeat when looking at yourself face-to-face in the mirror every morning (instead of the usual insults).

Ask for Help When Needed. 

It’s tough to go it alone. There will be times when you need a shoulder to cry on, a babysitter for a sick child while you’re at work, or a little extra money to pay a bill. Build a network of support for yourself; family, friends, neighbors, a local church or a meet-up group for single moms. Check your county for resources and apply for assistance (without shame) if you need it. Take time for yourself, whether it’s a long, soothing bath or a movie and ice cream with a friend. And certainly counseling or coaching by a trusted professional can help you through those emotional ups and downs. Join a babysitting coop, or trade every other Friday playdates with another divorced working mom.

Overcoming the struggles of being a divorced working mom is possible! Things might get harder before they get easier, but there is hope. Remember, you are worthy, capable, and strong.

If you feel stuck, I can help. Feel free to contact me for a complimentary get-to-know each other session.