 |
 |
|
|
|
Two Questions When an Aging Parent is in Pain
Mercer Island, WA
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Camille said, "One moment I was having a normal conversation with my mom, and the next moment she curled into a ball of tears. It was like watching a building implode. Asking the simple question, 'Mom, where would you like to eat?' was like detonating the explosives. I had no idea what was wrong, and I was afraid to say the wrong thing and make it worse. Mom had been so strong during Dad's long illness, and this emotional meltdown was completely out of character."
Have you ever been with someone in pain and not known what to say or what to do? Maybe your loved one was in physical pain or emotional pain or even financial pain.
Here are two questions that are always useful:
"Where do you hurt?"
and
"How may I help you?"
Asking the questions I like calling 911. Really listening to the answers is like providing CPR until the medics arrive.
Why are these two questions as comforting as a mother's kiss on a child's bruised knee? Most people can tolerate much more pain than they ever imagined; however, people who face pain in isolation experience suffering. These two questions are like a warm hug and the whispered message, "You are not alone. I'm here to help."
Edwin Shneidman identified and leveraged these two questions in his pioneering suicide prevention efforts. Imagine the power of a simple intervention that can change the minds of people in such despair that death seems like a better choice than life with pain.
What literal words do you say? It's simple: "It looks like you're in pain. Where does it hurt?" These words work whether someone is in physical or emotional pain. Your loved ones may tell you about a physical place in their bodies, a painful memory or a painful feeling. All you have to do is listen with full attention.
Resist the urge to fix the problem with your solution. Instead, ask the second questions, "How may I help you?" Then again, listen with full attention.
Of course, these questions are no substitute for medical care. If you have any questions about whether your loved one needs to see a health care professional, err on the side of calling rather than waiting.
Want more information about responding to a loved one in pain? Sign up for our free telephone seminar at www.thecregiverclub.com
The Two Questions are powerful tools you have in your caregiver hands as you wait for your loved one to get into the hands of a physician, mental health professional or clergy. Write them on 3X5 cards and place them on your fridge, near the phone and next to your computer. Make a habit of asking them. You'll be glad you did.
Have you ever been with someone in pain and not known what to say or what to do? Maybe your loved one was in physical pain or emotional pain or even financial pain.
Here are two questions that are always useful:
"Where do you hurt?"
and
"How may I help you?"
Asking the questions I like calling 911. Really listening to the answers is like providing CPR until the medics arrive.
Why are these two questions as comforting as a mother's kiss on a child's bruised knee? Most people can tolerate much more pain than they ever imagined; however, people who face pain in isolation experience suffering. These two questions are like a warm hug and the whispered message, "You are not alone. I'm here to help."
Edwin Shneidman identified and leveraged these two questions in his pioneering suicide prevention efforts. Imagine the power of a simple intervention that can change the minds of people in such despair that death seems like a better choice than life with pain.
What literal words do you say? It's simple: "It looks like you're in pain. Where does it hurt?" These words work whether someone is in physical or emotional pain. Your loved ones may tell you about a physical place in their bodies, a painful memory or a painful feeling. All you have to do is listen with full attention.
Resist the urge to fix the problem with your solution. Instead, ask the second questions, "How may I help you?" Then again, listen with full attention.
Of course, these questions are no substitute for medical care. If you have any questions about whether your loved one needs to see a health care professional, err on the side of calling rather than waiting.
Want more information about responding to a loved one in pain? Sign up for our free telephone seminar at www.thecregiverclub.com
The Two Questions are powerful tools you have in your caregiver hands as you wait for your loved one to get into the hands of a physician, mental health professional or clergy. Write them on 3X5 cards and place them on your fridge, near the phone and next to your computer. Make a habit of asking them. You'll be glad you did.
Vicki Rackner MD FACS
Mercer Island, WA
425-451-3777
